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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little uncomfortable that my partner got a lapdance?

224 replies

GreenEyes101 · 11/03/2018 17:32

He is on a stag in Barcelona so I knew a trip to a stripclub would probably be on the cards and initially had no issue with it. He told me today that they went and he had a dance which I laughed off - but then he proceeded to tell me he had 2 at €50 a pop! AIBU to be a little uncomfortable/upset? One still may not have bothered me but €100 for 5 minutes cheap thrills got under my skin a bit!

OP posts:
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 12/03/2018 07:27

Ugh. No, this is definitely something that would bother me.

My ex kept insisting that if he went on a stag do he would get a lap dance, as he wasn’t going to have me telling him what he could or could not do.

Then when I told him I wasn’t telling him what to do, it became justified because his friends would mock him.

This was all whilst insisting that he didn’t enjoy them and didn’t want a lap dance.

So some men will justify their actions however they can. Your feelings are not relevant because these men feel that they have the right to paid tits. You are a nag getting in the way of their fun.

How dare you bring him down with your negativity and demands for respect?

cindersrella · 12/03/2018 07:30

My husband and a group of friend (including my brother) all had lap dances about 10 years ago. It didn't bother me to much but there is always a bit of a niggle about it there.

So... the next time we went out on a night out in Birmingham as couples we all went to spearmint rhino (the strip club) and had a dance to see what it was all about. To be fair we sat there, there were bouncers outside of the booth incase there was any funny business towards to dancers and I actually quite enjoyed the experience. It made me laugh and feel really nervous but it was good.

There was no touching involved just very close rubbing. It put my mind at rest.

Whether this is the case when they are on there own I'm not sure. Although in the uk with clubs with strict regulation I think it is.

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 12/03/2018 07:33

cindersrella - sorry I’m not sure what you mean. Surely if there is ‘very close rubbing’ this means there is touching? Or have I misunderstood?

DotCottonDotCom · 12/03/2018 07:38

Hmmm

I think going back the second time would be more of a kicker for me. I’m a pole dancer so I have no issues with the girls.

cindersrella · 12/03/2018 07:38

Touching as in hands all night bet him or me. And we couldn't touch them with our hands (not that I would have wanted to) you had to sit with hands under you thighs.
Sorry for confusion

cindersrella · 12/03/2018 07:38

Lol.... hands all over him or me.

ItsuAddict · 12/03/2018 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KochabRising · 12/03/2018 07:45

Dh has turned down stag dos because he knows they will want to do this. He’s expressed that he doesn’t like it, thinks it’s grim and makes him very uncomfortable so no, not all men do this... several of his friends are similar - one was expected to go this with work and was put in a really awkward position when he declined

As everyone is saying, you set your own boundaries on this but no, I wouldn’t be at all happy with it.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2018 07:47

I honestly thought all stags have a lap dance.

You thought it was compulsory or something?

You've never heard of a man getting married who hasn't had a lap dance?

Your world must honestly be teeny tiny.

KochabRising · 12/03/2018 07:50

I honestly thought all stags have a lap dance.

Really? Dh and almost all his mates have managed fun stag dos of plenty of beers, games, and general daft ness without any strippers or lap dancers.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 08:15

There was no touching involved just very close rubbing
Envy

cindersrella · 12/03/2018 08:21

That was my experience. The rubbing wasn't as in tits touching your face. I should make it clear it was very close but not exactly touching. 'Very close' was what I said

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 12/03/2018 08:25

I’m not at all criticising anyone who is fine with this situation but I just can’t get my head around how someone could be ok with someone rubbing their DH/DP.

If I walked in and found Sarah from across the street naked and dry humping my partner I would not be impressed. I don’t understand why it’s suddenly ok if money changes hands. Also, what does it matter that they can’t touch the dancer? The dancer is touching them. I’ve never understood this argument.

Honestly, I despair sometimes at the bullshit some men expect us to swallow.

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 12/03/2018 08:28

itsuAddict I asked my ex if he would be ok with my giving lap dances for money. Of course the answer was no. Apparently, this is not equivalent to him getting a lap dance. The equivalent would be me sitting in the audience at the male strippers. Hmm

Branleuse · 12/03/2018 08:28

Tell him you want £100 now to have a go with a rent boy

joystir59 · 12/03/2018 08:30

Men on stag dos away are about having sex with prostitutes and getting pissed aren't they? I wouldn't dream of being with anyone who was into this stuff

TrueBlueYorkshire · 12/03/2018 08:34

If it was just a lapdance and you didn't tell him he couldn't have one then who cares?

BlancheM · 12/03/2018 08:40

Octavia, would those men have been happy for their accountant to strip nude for them? No, as they don't view her as inferior. Their daughter? No, as she's too precious.
The men who walked into your strip joint had no respect for you or your colleagues. They walked into there with their chests puffed out thinking to themselves 'these girls wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for us good men throwing money at them'.
They were well behaved as they'd have been thrown out otherwise. Anyway, most people are jovial and polite when they're about to get something they want.

For every hundred women who want a life without misogyny, there is one cool girl like you whose opinion will be used to justify these men's dirty ways and used against their wives. 'Loosen up, wife, Octavia gets it! You're just being uptight!'.

chills32045 · 12/03/2018 08:47

I think the fact he was so open about it to you is a good thing. He obviously didn't feel the need to hide it therefore in his mind didn't do anything too bad.

I think the fact he did it twice would be the bit that bothered me. But then you have to think, it is a stag do and these things are very likely.

I would be happy that he even told you as he could have easily lied.

BertrandRussell · 12/03/2018 08:55

“I think the fact he was so open about it to you is a good thing”

No it isn’t. It just means he has no issue with treating women as comodities.

A bit of shame after being drunk and carried away is possibly forgivable.

BlancheM · 12/03/2018 08:56

Sorry, Octave* I was typing on the school run!

HyenaHappy · 12/03/2018 09:13

I totally agree with Bertrand ^

It’d be a huge deal breaker for me.

When DH and I got together many years ago I suggested we watch porn together (I was in my early 20s and didn’t know much about the sex industry. DH is a fair bit older than me). He was so turned off at the suggestion and told me how he could never get pleasure from watching potentially trafficked women pretending to have fun while having staged sex. I now totally agree with him and think the sex trade is horrendous.

Not all men watch porn or think of women as commodities to leer at. The suggestion that ‘boys will be boys’ Hmm or that all men do it is actually quite sad.

SleightOfGender · 12/03/2018 09:36

A guy entering a stripclub doesn't make them see all women as commodities automatically.

Except for the paying to watch/have a naked/half naked woman dance for them.

Even with your experience as a stripper you cannot alter facts - payment for a service when that service is a person = that person is a commodity. It makes no difference whether you were a stripper or not facts are facts.

SleightOfGender · 12/03/2018 09:53

I'm not telling op how to feel but was shocked at how decisive ppl are it's a deal breaker.

Octave, I don't now what your club was like I hope you were treated well and the job didn't affect you. In my past I have had reason to speak with a lot of people in the sex industry (through work) and although there are people like you; unaffected, no traumatic past, drug issues (I'm assuming here of course but you are implying you are well adjusted as you don't have a problem with your partner having a dance) they actually were NOT the majority in my experience. I spoke with many women and it was depressing how many had troubled childhoods or drug issues, granted I spoke with a variety of women from strippers to street workers. I'm sure there are some respectable clubs but they are not all like that.

With my experience (which was extensive contact with women) I couldn't tolerate a partner using women in the sex industry. It goes against all I stand for and it is a very educated stance (in the sense that I have spoken to many women). So yes it would indeed be a deal breaker for me because using women as products or even being party to the prevalence of this view of women in society is unacceptable to me now and always. It doesn't just affect the women in the work (although frankly that would be more than enough) it affects all women; when women are goods to be bought and sold / degraded in films and photographs it affects how ALL women are treated by society. That is my problem with it and primarily why it is a non-negotiable deal breaker for me.

TryptoFan · 12/03/2018 09:53

He was so turned off at the suggestion and told me how he could never get pleasure from watching potentially trafficked women pretending to have fun while having staged sex

Seems like it's hard to find a man with such a positive attitude towards women nowadays.