To be fucking pissed off

[MrsMaxwell]

I dunno if I am being a princess here.

DH Mum is a cow, he openly admits it, she never sends bday or xmas cards to us or his kids and never bothers to visit us or show any interest in us or his kids.

He sent her flowers and a card for mother’s day.

His ex wife is a dick and we are currently going for custody of the kids and social care are involved. Today I took them to get a Mother’s day card and gift for her (for them). I (happily) do a lot for them.

My birthday this week. He didn’t organise a card for me from his kids (lovely gift from him).

AIBU to want him to encourage the kids to appreciate me a teeny tiny bit (I would have been thrilled with a card).

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is shameful of him to not encourage the children to show you some appreciation. I would be upset too.

You're not being a princess but you have a massive 'D'H problem. MIL and EXW are the least of your problems.

I think what’s pissing me off more is that he doesn’t understand WHY I am pissed off.

What you are doing for your step kids is what I call a thankless task

Your post illustrates why

He went to a massive effort to get me something I really wanted. Which was fantastic.

I also want him to encourage the girls to appreciate me.

He perhaps doesn’t place a lot of importance on these events.
If he is otherwise a good husband, tell him recognition for our birthday means a lot to you and don’t forget in future, if he has never made these arrangement how will he know???

I know I have chosen this (not neccessarily to have them live with us) but I think it’s ok for them to recognise me as someone significant in their lives - 8 years on.

He says he doesn’t (place importance) but then why buy his fucking bitch of a mother flowers for Mother’s Day.

It’s not his job to encourage appreciation for you. If you want to do this (thankless task which I agree with quite likely) you do because you want to . Never because you are hoping for appreciation.

He bought you a lovely present, is it his job to persuade his kids to treat you like their mother? I think YABU

You are not his mother and it is quite daft to buy you something and say .... these are from the kids... you know they are not... all being well as the children grow up they will show appreciation themselves (please don’t go holding your breath) . Children don’t “get it” for many years imo.

A birthday card - not a mother’s day card.

Every birthday I make them a cake etc as their mother does not.

A £1 card from Card Factory would have sufficed - the sufficed.

The only way our children learn how to be considerate, generous, and appreciative is through example. I don't think you are expecting the girls to think of you as their mother, but you ARE their step-mum who cares for them and their dad. They should be expected to show you some consideration.

He clearly doesn’t share your sentiment, is he a good husband otherwise ??
If yes ... “let it go”
If no... “let him go”

I'm afraid I don't see the problem. How old are his children? We don't buy gifts from the DCs to each other. When they have proper pocket money they will do it themselves.

YANBU. My DSS gives me a card and present on my Birthday.

We've also just been through a custody battle I know how incredibly difficult and draining they are x

11 and 13, they don’t get pocket money as we pay for their phones and atm we pay maintenance.

I have always thought the kids buy parents cards etc when they are old enough to do it themselves. Otherwise its surly just 2 presents/cards from your partner.
Its hard but if anything the children need to be buying something for their shit biological mother.

So...

Out of the 3 mothers in this story, you are:
a) the only mum who put herself out to do nice things for other mums; and
b) the only mum who didn’t get a card from the kids?

It doesn’t matter at all what your DH’s views are- let him have an opinion about Father’s Day, by all means.

He’s allowed you to be left out. He’s missed a big opportunity to show his kids how to appreciate all the things you do all year. It’s not only about a card. Don’t let him make out that it is.

When Father's Day comes round, leave it to his ex to organise a card and present for him from the girls then. Maybe that'll get the point across.

Encouraging teenagers is basically nagging them repeatedly to do something they don’t want to do. You want to pretend their Dad making them write you a card means they appreciate you?

They’re teenagers! The bloody world revolves around them

I always do father’s day for my kids (when little not now) and for his as their Mum doesn’t bother and it’s not fair on them to feel they can’t get their dad something.

It’s so hard, not least because every step-family is different. After one terrible terrible Christmas when I had cooked their Christmas dinner and made them all lovely stockings and they got me nothing (then aged between 23 and 13), they have always got me Christmas presents and have got me birthday cards/presents if they’ve been around at the time. I have tried to school myself to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised by anything they come up with (except Christmas, which I think is just good manners).
If they are basically decent people, and, crucially, your partner leads by example, then they will appreciate you, later if not sooner.
Remember (something I utterly failed to do at the time) that children of divorced parents always have a lot to deal with, even though they don’t always show it.

Ok. You don't like his mum or his exW. If my exMil was writing about me she'd have a very different perspective compared to mine. My exH's GF doesn't like me because I'm not prepared to accept that a person who helps look after my kids 36 hours a fortnight should be considered a 'Co-patent'.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are multiple viewpoints and yours is just one.

I don't know you or your stepchildren but I DO know that people will put their own spin on things. It's human nature.

The way you see things is not the only way, I've no doubt my exH has described me as a cow. Doesn't mean I am. Perhaps you all need to breathe. And talk

I don’t think YABU but have they done you a card in the past?

My DSC are younger than yours, I sort gifts for birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day with them, we choose something together and they do cards, and he does the same with them for me. But that’s always been the case so it’s what everyone’s used to now.

If it’s not your normal then have a word with DH and tell them how much it would mean to if your DSC chose you a card. I don’t know how it works at their age but it’s not too late to introduce a bit more thoughtfulness. They’re plenty old enough to understand that as they presumably enjoy receiving cards, gifts and appreciation, others including their SM feel the same.