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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off

163 replies

MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 20:55

I dunno if I am being a princess here.

DH Mum is a cow, he openly admits it, she never sends bday or xmas cards to us or his kids and never bothers to visit us or show any interest in us or his kids.

He sent her flowers and a card for mother’s day.

His ex wife is a dick and we are currently going for custody of the kids and social care are involved. Today I took them to get a Mother’s day card and gift for her (for them). I (happily) do a lot for them.

My birthday this week. He didn’t organise a card for me from his kids (lovely gift from him).

AIBU to want him to encourage the kids to appreciate me a teeny tiny bit (I would have been thrilled with a card).

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 14:27

blastomama

Pretty sure you have me confused with sonone else actually - there is no “back story” Hmm

Tbf to DSD2 I think she has really divided loyalties between me and her Mum as I tried to intervene a few years ago and her Mum told her I wanted them to be “taken away” when I actually was trying to help which completely back fired on me.

Luckily SC are now taking us seriously and hopefully will either support their Mum or will add weight to us having them which is not something that can happen overnight for many reasons.

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 11/03/2018 14:27

I think a very valid point has been made regarding the dynamics. I hadn't really thought of it that way but can see the point now. Things in separated families can be difficult enough, but there is a residence battle going on here atm. Perhaps the DSDs didn't want to upset or annoy their mum and rather than feel they are betraying her it's easier for them to just ignore.

I don't know the back story so can't factor anything in other than what's been posted by OP.

Lemonnaise · 11/03/2018 14:28

I fear you have missed the point entirely

Sad that you think its "going above and beyond" as well

And how the hell do you know any different? Are you there in OPs life? So tell us then what you know?

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 14:29

So yes in the scheme of things a birthday card doesn’t matter but last night I felt wobbly about everything and sometimes when massive things are going on it’s easier to focus on the small stuff.

OP posts:
blastomama · 11/03/2018 14:34

I haven't and you know well there is. Hmm

That poster just said it was "very telling" that your DSD "couldn't be bothered" to get you a card. Do you think that is fair or accurate?

How is an 11 year old meant to get a card with no money? How many 11 year olds prioritise their step mothers birthday at all, let alone one that has been neglected for many years and is now looking at being forcibly removed from her mother by social services, and being sent to the care of her father, who does not even live there ? And then there is the rest of the issues with their father....

You're pissed off about a fucking birthday card, when those children have so much to worry about? And encouraging posters on the internet to slag them off?

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 14:37

I was pissed off that my husband didn’t think to make the little gesture.

I was not pissed off with an 11 year old child.

OP posts:
Lemonnaise · 11/03/2018 14:39

How is an 11 year old meant to get a card with no money?

I think you've missed the point of the OP. She isn't annoyed at the SD, she's annoyed that their father didn't organise or encourage them to buy a card.

My birthday this week. He didn’t organise a card for me from his kids

And encouraging posters on the internet to slag them off?

You totally made that^up.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 14:39

These are children who aren’t even having their basic human needs met in terms of medical care and dentist visits and yet they are expected to have the sort of consideration for adults birthdays that other MNers are posting about not getting from their grown ass husbands who don’t have psychological and physiological issues as a result of neglect.

blastomama · 11/03/2018 14:39

He went to massive trouble to get you something you wanted you said. Yet you're pissed off that he didn't make his children do something they didn't want to do?

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 14:42

He went to massive trouble to get you something you wanted you said. Yet you're pissed off that he didn't make his children do something they didn't want to do?

One of my DSDs made me some body butter at Christmas actually which was really lovely Smile

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 11/03/2018 14:43

But this is a post about the DP/DF isn't it, rather than the children? The fact that he didnt think that a token of appreciation from the DSDs (as opposed to from him, and we all know he did make the effort on behalf of himself) would be a nice gesture?
It's a bit difficult to go on what others are hinting at darkly as a massive back story when OP says that isn't her and that there is no back story. All I can do is take the issue at face value.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 14:45

I was pissed off that my husband didn’t think to make the little gesture.

He asked them to text you for your birthday. I assume he wasn’t with them on your birthday as they would have been with you and they’d have no need to text you. So he wasn’t with them, they have no money, how were they supposed to get a card to you when he wasn’t with them? He asked them to text you, one did, one didn’t.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/03/2018 14:45

He works away and if we get custody I will have the kids in the week alone and It’s a massive thing for me to do which I don’t think he gets.

And he's already had one affair eight years in?

Of course he doesn't fucking 'get it' - it's not a case of 'surviving' relationship issues, it's a case of not being a fucking MUG.

Carry on if you want to and make even more of a mug of yourself sacrificing your entire life to bring his kids up solo on top of everything else - you won't get thanks for it, or what you want out of all this, as you're BOTTOM OF THE PILE.

Maybe the fact he even gets his arsehole mother a card but bothers not a shit about you has finally opened your eyes.

blastomama · 11/03/2018 14:46

The fact that he didnt think that a token of appreciation from the DSDs (as opposed to from him, and we all know he did make the effort on behalf of himself) would be a nice gesture

Or he thought about it and realised that if he bought a card from them it would not be a nice gesture, it would be meaningless and also inappropriate?

Lemonnaise · 11/03/2018 14:47

But this is a post about the DP/DF isn't it, rather than the children?

Exactly, it's right there in the OP bus some posters are determined to make their own version up.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 14:48

But the DH did encourage them to acknowledge her birthday!

blastomama · 11/03/2018 14:51

Exactly! He did do what she is complaining he didn't do.

Trying to force neglected, troubled, about to be removed from their mother to "appreciate their stepmother" is so ridiculously inappropriate I can't believe anyone needs to say it.

RebelRogue · 11/03/2018 14:56

Force?

"Hey kids,since we're out and @MrsMaxwell 's bday is this week let's get her a bday card . What do you think?"

It's not rocket science.

Lemonnaise · 11/03/2018 15:01

Trying to force neglected, troubled, about to be removed from their mother to "appreciate their stepmother" is so ridiculously inappropriate I can't believe anyone needs to say it

I think it's ridiculous that you have that attitude. It's just a birthday card. And for what it's worth, their mother sounds horrendous but as usual - let's vilify the step-motherConfused...Not a bad word has been said of the useless neglectful motherHmm.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 15:01

It really doesn’t matter.

I just felt a bit overwhelmed with everything yesterday with everything that’s going on with this situation and startAing a new job and I just felt a bit bleurgh and I do really hate his Mum and as I have said that upset me more.

Not sure why blastomama has such a massive issue with me - I have never done anything other than be loving and supportive to the children whilst also bringing up my own children with no support from their own father.

OP posts:
NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blastomama · 11/03/2018 15:02

He DID suggest to them. They didn't want to. So yes, it would be forcing them after that point.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 11/03/2018 15:03

That’s if he was with them in the lead up to the birthday. He is a submariner and he is based hundreds of miles away from OP and his kids

No - he isn’t actually.

OP posts:
blastomama · 11/03/2018 15:04

I have no issue with you. I'm just responding appropriately to your thread. i just happen to know not only the back story to this, but also the back story to that.
You're a very distinctive poster with a long history. You stick in the memory. So when you post with an issue, people can remember what went before and why you are being unreasonable.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 15:04

And for what it's worth, their mother sounds horrendous but as usual - let's vilify the step-motherconfused...Not a bad word has been said of the useless neglectful motherhmm

Well for starters, would there be any point? She isn’t here, she can’t see it, it wasn’t her responsibility to arrange a birthday card for her exes wife. Would it be just to make the OP feel better to see nasty things said about the ex?

And secondly, I think mentioning that their human needs have been neglected leading to psychological and physiological issues says it all. That’s hardly flattering their mother.