To be fucking pissed off

[MrsMaxwell]

I dunno if I am being a princess here.

DH Mum is a cow, he openly admits it, she never sends bday or xmas cards to us or his kids and never bothers to visit us or show any interest in us or his kids.

He sent her flowers and a card for mother’s day.

His ex wife is a dick and we are currently going for custody of the kids and social care are involved. Today I took them to get a Mother’s day card and gift for her (for them). I (happily) do a lot for them.

My birthday this week. He didn’t organise a card for me from his kids (lovely gift from him).

AIBU to want him to encourage the kids to appreciate me a teeny tiny bit (I would have been thrilled with a card).

OP did the girls themselves know it was your birthday? Did they make an effort in any other way?

BTW OP I think it's ok to come on here and vent. There is not a mother or step mother in the land that sometimes feels like a drudge or under appreciated, taken for granted. I get it! I think what you are doing speaks volumes and those girls will appreciate it but right now they are caught up in themselves and on top of that they have a broken family situation which is never easy even if they have a wonderful stepmum. I'm sure they love you as does DH. Go for a run or walk next time as some MNers just want to pick you to pieces. from me, happy belated birthday!

I think YABU, TBH.

He got you something thoughtful. You did a nice thing by helping his children get something for their mum. BUT you are not their mother. You are their step-mother and not a replacement mother.

I don't know how old the DC are, but if they are young enough that you needed to take them out to get things for mother's day, I think you need to back off from all the "appreciation" stuff. You chose to get into a relationship with a man with children, they did not chose you. Being nice to them isn't a favour to them, it is the right thing to do. Indeed, the only thing to do since you chose to marry their father. Of course, they have to be polite etc, but they don't have to get you things for mother's day or show their "appreciation". I'm sure as they get older and you continue to build a relationship, things will change.

MsHarry

Thank you

YANBU OP - very thoughtless of your DH.

As for the debate about the word irate

irate=anger
pissed off = annoyance

Fucking pissed off= anger.

Fucking pissed off= anger

Fucking pissed off= extremely annoyed.

I think “hurt” would have been at better word to describe my emotions

It’s fine - we had a lovely roast and they have gone back to their mums laden with cards and gifts for her for mother’s day which makes them happy.

OH got me a Kichenaid for my bday so I am very very lucky (I have wanted one for years).

In reply to some of the negative stuff about past posts here the medical stuff has been sorted out by OH and myself, and we have done all we can to try to support their Mum.

No they did not choose this and I went into this knowing he had children but there are a lot of people involved in this situation and I think it’s ok for me as a step parent and as a human being to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of taking on two extra children, as when you become a step parent with the NR parent it doesn’t always occur to you that one day this might happen - and to admit its a difficult concept is ok - and honest even if it isn’t ok to admit it on MN.

OP

It is ok to feel overwhelmed. Being a step mum is hard. Though I do think if you marry a man with children, even if he is a NRP, you have to be aware of the possibility (even though remote in many cases) that the children may have to live with him. And be prepared to go with that- I see it as part of the deal. It is absolutely ok to say "i'm finding being a step-parent hard". I think it's very normal.

That said- you can't really demand "appreciation" from young children. Other than the routine- saying please and thank you, acknowledging gifts, or if you've taken them to something and so on. Young children won't be aware of the underlying issues surrounding step-parenting and so on. They are having to deal with a lot of upheaval, not of their making (and I recognise, not of your making either- but you have choices in all of this. They don't.), now probably not the best time to be wanting their father to make them show appreciation.

I am not meaning to be harsh- I'm sure you are trying your best in a tough situation.

They aren’t young kids but I think it should be ok to say on MN that it’s hard and a struggle and scary rather than every single step mother who posts here getting flamed.

Just wanting to bring the thread back to the original point which is that OP was not upset that the children hadn't made the effort. It was more that the father hadn't. He made an effort on his own behalf which the OP appreciated, but she wished he had organised a gesture from the DSCs and was s big hurt he hadn't. The point was more aimed at him than the DSCs.

I think it should be ok to say on MN that it’s hard and a struggle and scary rather than every single step mother who posts here getting flamed

It is ok and they don't. You're in aibu, and you are, so you have been told do. Get over it.