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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off

163 replies

MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 20:55

I dunno if I am being a princess here.

DH Mum is a cow, he openly admits it, she never sends bday or xmas cards to us or his kids and never bothers to visit us or show any interest in us or his kids.

He sent her flowers and a card for mother’s day.

His ex wife is a dick and we are currently going for custody of the kids and social care are involved. Today I took them to get a Mother’s day card and gift for her (for them). I (happily) do a lot for them.

My birthday this week. He didn’t organise a card for me from his kids (lovely gift from him).

AIBU to want him to encourage the kids to appreciate me a teeny tiny bit (I would have been thrilled with a card).

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 21:54

He works away and if we get custody I will have the kids in the week alone and It’s a massive thing for me to do which I don’t think he gets.

I bought my own kids up alone.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2018 21:58

And my “MIL” is an evil bitch from hell but DH is NC so at least he’s not pretending she’s worth appreciation Grin

What your DH does with his mother is his deal, try not to conflate the issues here, she’s nothing to do with you or your DSC.

Your DH got you a gift you liked. Hopefully your own DC did too. Your DSC will probably get more considerate with a prod from DH. Focus on him.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 22:01

My DC took me out for dinner bless them Smile

OP posts:
Tinkerbell36 · 10/03/2018 22:02

I also have two step children who are now grown up. When they were little my husband used to get a card/ present from them which was nice but I knew he had done it not them. But today my lovely grown up step son came over with a huge bunch of flowers and a card to his second Mum. This meant the world to me because he did it and it came from the heart. I do understand when step children are little it can feel thankless but you are doing it for your husband and those children and it is so worthwhile. Stay strong x

Northernparent68 · 10/03/2018 22:10

There’s a iot of baggage fee, is it worth it ?

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 22:14

His children are not baggage.

They are children who need love and stability.

OP posts:
Unemfuckingployable · 10/03/2018 22:25

Of course they are, but you need to be absolutely clear as to whether you are willing to perform the often thankless task of providing it.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 10/03/2018 22:32

'If' they ever buy you a present in the future it will mean all the more because they arranged it themselves, rather than just being a proxy for their father. The day will come when they get past that centre of the world teenage phase.

Alternatively why not try giving them a nudge? Give them a tenner each, push them into a shop (while you have a coffee) and say they can't come out until they have bought you a thoughtful gift. Maybe it will catch on?

anneoneill · 10/03/2018 22:54

"fucking pissed off" at "getting a lovely gift" after "He went to a massive effort to get me something I really wanted."

You delicate flower, I don't think you could survive an actual relationship issue.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 22:57

DSD1 sent me a text on my bday Dsd2 didn’t even though her dad asked her to.

I teased her a bit about it and we had a laugh.

Bonded a bit with DSD2 today as took her to have a bra fitting (waited a year for her Mum to do it and she was a B cup when measured and can see her boobs through her school shirt - I will be in massive shit).

So that was actually cool as she was so shy and embarrassed and I think I helped her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 23:03

anneoneill

8 years of step parenting. OH a submariner. an affair, chronic illness, living 600 miles apart, nervous breakdown and a court Marshall.

No you are probably right I couldn’t survive a real relationship issue Hmm

OP posts:
anneoneill · 10/03/2018 23:04

All that and you haven't learned a sense of perspective?

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 23:07

Maybe not.

I do however have a shed load of humility.

OP posts:
blastomama · 10/03/2018 23:09

yabvu. He's got major problems and stresses with his ex, his kids, his mother. He got you a present. He doesn't have to get you one from his children as well, either they are old enough to choose to get you something or they are not.

you're being ridiculous.

anneoneill · 10/03/2018 23:13

Is is still humility if you boast about it?

anneoneill · 10/03/2018 23:13

*is it, d'oh

ConstantlyCold · 10/03/2018 23:14

Really not sure why not getting a card from your 11 & 13 year old step kids is a big problem. And why on earth you would be fucking pissed off with a man who just bought you a fantastic present completely escapes me.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 10/03/2018 23:16

These are children who I am about to completely change my life for.

I am not asking for an MBE I was asking for a birthday card Smile

OP posts:
blastomama · 10/03/2018 23:21

These are children who I am about to completely change my life for

That's your choice which you should make without expecting gratitude from them. These are children that are looking at being removed from their mother and being sent to their father who won't even be there.
It could not be less about you and your birthday and your need for appreciation and recognition.

LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 23:36

I did homemade and creative gifts for step-father without prompting from the age of 5...so I'm actually surprised that at 11 and 13 they'd need anyone else to prompt them to do something for you for your birthday. Sad

blastomama · 10/03/2018 23:37

so I'm actually surprised that at 11 and 13 they'd need anyone else to prompt them to do something for you for your birthday

maybe they just choose not to?

LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 23:41

I also recall walking with my 10 year old cousin once to the only floral shop in town because he wanted to get a card and balloon for his step-mother for her birthday and again no prompting. He had little contact with his biological Mom and was appreciative of his Step-Mom stepping in to the role.

It was memorable because the owner was very nice and showed us how to curl gift ribbon. Smile

Keilninnock · 11/03/2018 12:40

Yesterday 21:09 QuiteLikely5

What you are doing for your step kids is what I call a thankless task

I totally understand why people think that. I wouldn't be here without my stepmum but it took me 20 years to appreciate it. She gets mega mothers day flowers now I do get it, and acknowledgement all year round x

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/03/2018 13:24

These are children who I am about to completely change my life for

They are not asking you to do it though, they aren't getting a choice. If you expect eternal gratitude for doing so, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 11/03/2018 13:34

You are constantly pissed off with these children. They can never do right in your eyes. Please leave them with their mother.