Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

She got back in contact when I was at a very vulnerable point in my life.
I'm not saying she hasn't helped but it's a double edged thing I think.

Anything comes along with the expectation of towing the line.

It's very bloody complicated. I don't really understand. I've two sisters both are very much like her and I'm now nc with both of them. One has tried to make contact but I know from others she is still the same and I just can't deal with it.

I think, I'm from a big family unit. I'm a big family person. My big unit is down to very small numbers now. It's sad.

For what it's worth I would do the same as you - go today, 'make nice' and then draw back massively afterwards. You've had enough shit this weekend, go for the path of least resistance today and then shore up your boundaries from now on. It sounds like this could be a watershed moment for you, so embrace it and try to make your life happier.

And I agree re. not paying your brother today! If he's just sprung the charge on you, I suspect he's done his food shop for hosting, realises it costs a fecking fortune to do so, and instead of thinking 'gosh my sister's been doing this for years bless her' he's thought 'fuck this, I better grab some money back somewhere'.

Dickheads, the lot of them.

I also understand the need to avoid more drama this weekend when you're at a low ebb. You do NOT have to pay, though. Just say you're not able to pay and if he expects you to pay he should contribute towards the meals you've hosted, and you can agree to call it quits?

You clearly are capable of being assertive so you need to be that way about the money. You need to have the money to feed yourself and your DD.

and on a lighter note:

"daducky88 Sun 11-Mar-18 07:24:23
Bring not blind I meant. Bloody spoll chucker."

DYAC of the day!

Op I really get where you are coming from. The family dynamic sounds so toxic. Your dm seems like she manipulates a situation and then cries victim. I think you need to sit down and decide whether you want to put up with this anymore and distance yourself.
It seems like you will never, ever win either way with them .

I didn’t wonder if you/she got back in touch when you were vulnerable. Just because there’s an expectation of towing the line, doesn’t mean you have to tow the line. You can choose low contact for example. Be a person in your own right.

LimonViola
Thanks . My brother was violent to me throughout childhood. Then he threatened to deck and punch me on a few occasions, pushed me over then deliberately hurt me last year. This was the final straw. Sorry your story is so similar.

Mousemousse I so agree. Some women are so mean and horrible to each other and I can't understand it. Is it not enough that women are already valued less than men? Do we have to demean each other further?

It's sad isn't it OP. I had a decent sized family but due to death and estrangement I'm now down to my dad and stepmum. When they're gone that's it, just me.

It's important not to let the fear of being alone and the societal ideal of a lovely large happy family force you into accepting bad behaviour from those who are left, though. You can expect the same level of respect from your last remaining family member that you would from your second cousin twice removed you only see once a year who is always a dick to you.

A big deal made over absolutely feck all.

Ridiculous for the op's mum to get het up over nothing. Seriously.

If I were her, I would have understood my daughter was in a hurry and needs to be somewhere this time and would have sent the flowers out with my granddaughter.

It's not like she doesn't see her daughter and granddaughter regularly.

For someone to male such a stink over this strikes me as very petty.

I came from a large family too, as does DH. Ironically only FILs side are still close - I think that's because whilst they all live relatively close, they all have distance from each other. My family and MILs have major toxic elements and they've all drifted into factions. Its very sad. But not worth losing my mind over. Or putting my DCs through.

limon the proper meaning of that makes a damn lot more sense.

think, I'm from a big family unit. I'm a big family person. My big unit is down to very small numbers now. It's sad

It is sad. Sad that they cannot behave like a family should. Quality over quantity OP. Even if it is just you and dd.

I really hope today isnt as bad as you are thinking.

I really don't get why you and DD are both so unhappy about going you are still going??? Seriously why is keeping them happier more important than your DD in this?

TBH if I was that upset I wouldn't go in case things kick off. Feign illness and have a duvet day with DD.

@RandomMess because the fall out from them would be too much for her to deal with right now. Going along with things can be much easier than asserting yourself and coping with the fall out.

It's taken me until middle age to stand up to my DM and DB.

It's about not having to deal with a mountain more shit.

I really cannot be doing with the total shit storm it would cause if I pulled out now.

Dd knows and is just as disgusted. We have a plan to say little and leave as quick as we can. And just vow that we aren't doing this again.

The irony of his thread:

Op stands up for self

"You're awful, you need to apologise, she's your mum etc"

Op apologises and family decide to be massive CFs even more

"You need to stand up for yourself"

Fucking ridiculous.

Op YWNBU in the first place and YANBU for not wanting a huge argument. Easiest way to avoid argument is to be passive and then cut all contact. Sad but you can't reason with unreasonable people.

@Quiddichcup I just worry that you're delaying the shit storm but you do know them best

Op you really do sound stronger than when I last checked into the thread. You seem more resigned to the fact that you can't have what you ideally want - a normal respectful family, and you have to deal with the actual dysfunctional family you have. I can see the mind shift, you sound more positive.
I think this thread has helped you, despite many posters behaving rather like your mother and trying to guilt/manipulate you into maintaining the mother/child relationship at whatever cost to yourself.

You don't want to create a scene today. I get that. Please do remind your db about all the times you've paid and hosted. And then yes, detach and refuse to play their games anymore. You can't change them, you can only change your reaction to them. Read the stately homes tufted, read about fog, get some counseling to help you come to terms with the shattering of your dreams for a "normal" family.

Earlier on you said

I guess I just need to firm up my boundaries and lower my expectations of her.

This is exactly what you should do op. But you might need some help to get there.

Hope today goes well. and good luck in realising your self worth is not tied into what she says or does.

Moving forward you can offer things like having her for lunch at 12.30 again. Reiterate that you will be eating at that time regardless of what time she arrives so you've set the boundaries. Then disengage, detach and not let any behaviour affect you after that, because that is her fault,- not yours. I hope this thread, with its ups and downs have helped you change your attitude so you don't have to justify anything to her.
You need to change your mental expectation to
This is the situation. How you react is not my concern. I will let any unreasonableness wash right over me. I will step back, remain calm and quiet. I will offer her an out, so she can back down without losing face, but without me groveling, apologising or lowering my boundaries. It worked with your text. You offered her a way out without losing face and she met you half way. But you didn't roll over and beg her forgiveness as she initially wanted you to.
Stay assertive and don't feel any guilt if she goes into a strop. Keep repeating the mantra "I am the reasonable one here enforcing my boundaries"

Stay strong op.

HanutaQueen
Thank you for that not very useful comment. It doesn’t take into consideration that the people telling her she’s awful aren’t the same as those, who want her to respect herself. No one is advocating an argument.

What time is this meal? Would you still have time before or after to do something nice with your dd?

I can see why you're trying to keep the peace for today and agree with going, getting it over with and leaving at the earliest opportunity. And don't give your brother a penny!

She actually just called me.
I did say happy mothers day but didn't mention anything about my brother. When my sister was about we used to say she likes to play people off against each other and I'm wondering if she would be expecting a reaction from me and would enjoy the drama of that. It will put her on the back foot when I don't fall in line with what she expects me to do.

This thread has helped actually in that it's helped untangle and see from an outside perspective a bit more so thank you to those who have put a bit of time in.

It's about not having to deal with a mountain more shit.

Why would you have to get embroiled in it?

You don't have to deal with shit thrown your way OP. You choose to. You could equally choose to just disengage and put your phone on silent, enjoy your day with your child and then see how they are when you're ready to speak to them again. And if they throw more shit your way, disengage. Rinse and repeat.

Sorry but you're making a victim out of yourself here now.

I hope that if nothing else this thread has helped you to realise you have choices in how you allow others to treat you, and your family are absolutely not normal and 'just how families are'. What you choose to do with that info is down to you.

If you decide to pay your DB ask for his bank details and send £1 per week or £2 per month. Honestly I am fuming about that on your behalf!

Limon. The fall out would last month's and months and months. It wouldn't be a ' see how they are next time you see them ' my phone would be buzzing off the hook, all manner of shit would be said. Other people would get dragged into it and then it just becomes a sorry mess affecting about 20 people.

It's not worth it.
I can go. Be quiet and then leave and dis engage to achieve the same result. I don't have to blow the thing up with a grenade and hurt myself more in the process.

@Quiddichcup get through this afternoon and then you and DD can have a lovely eve just the two of you. Chin up, don't engage and then after today leave the buggers be!