Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

My point is it's her choice how and when to deal with it, not ours. Give her a chance to work it through in her own mind.

Sorry you're getting it in the neck again OP - I'm sure this will clarify things for you as you process it.

I'm in a situation right now that on paper looks simple, but in real life terms just feels anything but simple.

MN is a one-dimensional space trying to host three-dimensional situations. I just wish more posters were able to bear that in mind.

Op I was one of the first to reply on here and say yanbu as i have the same mother. Mine has recently been diagnosed with anxiety as well, which does explain why always ruins big events. Like refusing to attend my wedding rehearsal or speak to me on my wedding day at all because i asked if the sixpence she gave me with other items (old, new, borrowed, blue) was borrowed or the sixpence or both. I was screamed at, called selfish and ungrateful and a bitch and told to get out. My siblings all were like you know what she’s like. Like you im the one there the most. My dh said thats why she is worse with me. My siblings would just cut her off. She slags me off to everyone. She told relatives this weekend I refused to go shopping with her to help her buy a new dress. Thats an absolute lie to cover up she mostly wont leave the house. Thankfully my relatives told me they know thats not the case.

Anyway, after no internet all weekend ive come back to this thread and am shocked by some of the ridiculous replies. Some people here lack basic comprehension skills.

YOu need go go as low contact with your dm as possible. Also put your phone on silent in the morning. That is controlling behaviour phoning you so early.

Id also move over to relationships. people there can read significantly better than on here atm.

Text
"l was was hoping that we could have a nice day today. It's sad that we've ended up arguing again. I don't want to hear any more negative things and I don't want to argue. Let's speak again when we've all had time to calm down. We'll talk in a few days when we don't feel it necessary to be horrible to each other" then keep repeating "we'll talk in a few days when we've all calmed down" and if in a few days she hasn't, you rinse and repeat.

You are not engaging or justifying. You are keeping the boundaries. It gives her an out without losing face, keeps the door open, doesnt accept responsibility for anything and calms the situation. Then it's up to her to continue the situation for as long as she wants but you are not gong to enable any more bad behaviour but will continue perfectly pleasantly if she drops it.

She'll ramp the abuse up a bit at first as she will want you to revert to your normal appeasing behaviour but stay strong and persevere. You can be polite and calm but not accept the unreasonable.

Good luck op. It will be two steps forward and one step back but you now recognise both your roles in the old dynamic and now it's in your power to change that dynamic. You are aware now you've stepped back and can see the situation from that outsider perspective.

So sorry that the day ended so badly with further abuse, you didn't need that at all.

I do think you should just let it lie now - leave her to contact you if/when she feels like it and take zero responsibility for any of her shit, because none of it is yours, it is ALL her.

She was being far too vague. Why not just say, I got you something and wojld like to see you receive it rather tbantall this common sense nonsense. Those arguing mothers are more important than shopping are being a little daft. Of course they are but you still have a life to lead and practical tadks to sort.

I can't text anything. My head is pounding and I have a day of work to get through. Really want I want to do is hide under my duvet all day.

I'm at that bit where I'm questioning myself after being told to get a fucking grip. I should have gone in no matter what apparently and I'm the cause of all the upset. The meal being charged was to be fair and I'm being stupid and they will continue to do what they like. It just makes me feel like maybe I am the one in the wrong , what if it is me. Perhaps I am difficult.
They said I should not say anything unless I think someone has been intentionally nasty. Any feelings of hurt or upset don't count unless it was intentional because we don't want to upset mum.

Anything she said to me was deserved because I should have just gone in. Apparently.

I said it would have been better if we hadn't had gone but was told no the point was for everyone to be there. Dd was hardly spoken to but that's her fault for being upset as she's immature ( of course she is she is a child) and wouldn't have been intentional so again she shouldn't be hurt because that makes it void and I was wrong to bring it up.

It feels like it's a whirlwind of crazy around me and now I can't see if it is actually me.

All I read from that is “Quid, get back in your box NOW like a good little piece of shit so that we can walk all over you. How dare LittleQuid be a child, she’s a piece of shit by association”.

Sorry to be so crude. Stay strong. The conversations you had about yesterday are crazy making and designed to make you question yourself, believe them and make you comply.

How on earth do people learn this stuff and make it ok in their heads?

The conversation was with my step dad. Mum started going on about her sister, then her mum ( who died a long time ago) then put me on speaker and my step dad started shouting about his mum who is also not with us and told me to get a fucking grip .

I was at that point that i said I wasn't going to be spoken to like that and I'm sorry about their mums but there isn't anything i can do about it and I hung up.

He called back and then at least he stopped shouting but then the message was as above.

In the end I said I had to go. Which I did. I feel totally depleted and really wobbly.

As I said on Friday it was lose/ lose. If I hadn't had gone it would have been even worse.

Hard as it is to hear, try to ignore the abuse. You and your DD are worth so much more. I don't know if not answering the phone is an option but at least work today might be a good distraction. Keep telling yourself "You do not deserve this grief. You are a good person."

Why did you pick up the phone when he rang back? Do you realise that you were allowed to ignore the phone? I know that may sound like a strange question. But you’ve been trained to do as you’re told. You don’t have to be at their beck and call. You’ve decided to take a step back. Ignoring the phone and screening your calls would be a start.

How did the conversation turn into talking about their dead parents? Was it, boo goo you, your mother’s still alive and you think you’re hard done by? Or you’re so lucky and you still moan etc? They’re grown adults. We all lose parents unless we die young. Death is a part of life. My father died when I was in my teens, why would I bring that up as a stick to beat up my dd?

It was the first.

I don't know why it was brought up other than to make me feel bad.

Then I feel bad saying that because it's not like I don't care about that,of course I do . I just can't do anything about it and awful as it sounds it isn't really relevant.

Then I questuon if I'm a total cow for even saying that.

And I picked up because I am an idiot.

Quiddichcup ((((((((Madd Madd Hugs))))))))

You are in a catch 22 situation because although in you know how they are treating you is wrong and abusive, you have been conditioned by a lifetime of this treatment as not to question it and accept it. That's very hard to break free from.

Try to have a good day/week at work and try to put the weekend behaviour from your family away as nothing you did or didn't do would have changed what happen as you were always going to be the punch bag.

You don't have to answer any phones calls from your family until you want to.

I picked up because I am an idiot. No you are not, you picked it up because you have been trained to jump at their command.

Well its 6.30. Remember not to make the same mistake again. You’re not an idiot. And if a mature adult is trying to make you feel crap because their parent(s) died is playing top trumps, theyre the idiot, not you.

I hope you have a better day today and manage enough resolve to ignore them. Please take the fact they've decided to bring your dd into this and make her feel as invalid as you, feel all the anger that entails, and hold that ball of rage. The rage when a piece of shit family member starts at your dc can be exceptionally productive. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.

Yanbu op and the people saying the opposite are clearly working on the assumption that your mum is a reasonable person and that you are a talented precognitive telepath.

With the information you has at the time, you had no way of knowing that it was something that would only take 2 minutes and couldn't wait till Sunday. You've said your mum has form for time-wasting. This wasn't a pre-arranged visit that you cancelled. The flowers must have been a spur-of-the-moment sudden idea formed when dd decided to go there briefly.

It's clear from your mum's reaction that she's a bit batshit crazy. Not everyone is blessed with an uncomplicated loving relationship with their mum and given everything that was going on and the fact you were seeing her 3 days later anyway it was ok to want to avoid going in at the end of a draining working week.

With hindsight yes maybe there was something you might have done different like replying "common sense is telling me I am seeing you again on Sunday so it's OK to be in too much of a rush to stop today" - but YOU DIDN'T KNOW she was going to go mad suddenly.

Quiddich - Mummyoflittledragons has it bang on the nose. It is absolutely designed to put you back in your box - how very dare you try and stand up for yourself and your DD!! No no no. YOu must bow down to them and do what they say and abase yourself before them because they are so much more important than you!

This is what they do. This is what they will always do. You do not matter to them, your feelings do not matter to them; the only reason they keep you around is so they can make themselves feel better by sniping at you and making you feel shit about yourself.

This is called, among other things, emotional vampirism. They throw these darts at you, knowing that you will leak energy and emotion when they do, and then they cluster round and feed off your leaking energy and emotion. It's an appalling trait (and one my Mum was topnotch at). I'm going to PM you now - up to you if you read it but I have a technique that could help you, if you're interested.

Rest assured though - you did absolutely the right things for you and your DD. They are just twisting your noggin again to put you back where they think you belong - this is wrong.

they are emotionally abusive perhaps for now you need to withdraw, block all contact and simply recover.

They said I should not say anything unless I think someone has been intentionally nasty. Any feelings of hurt or upset don't count unless it was intentional because we don't want to upset mum.
But even though you not going in when you were asked to, wasn't intentionally nasty, it was ok for them to express feelings of hurt or upset? Can you not see the double standards here?

I'm not sure what to say. You are so conditioned by them that you just can't see the wood for the trees. Print out this thread. Block out all the crazy responses about doing as you were told even though it wasn't convenient, block out all the shopping bits and your justifications because that is irrelevant. You just need to know that it wasn't convenient at that point and it was ok to say it's not convenient and set that boundary. At that point it was up to your mum to say she had something to give you or pop out to the car to see you.
Then after you've blocked out those comments and your own shopping justifications, then re-read the advice you've been given. Don't ignore all of Limons posts. She had an awful lot of valid insight although she was a little insistent in her delivery of that advice and probably asked too much of you too soon. But her actual insight into your behavior was good.
After last night's phone calls you've engaged again and not managed to step back and see the behaviour for what it was. I did say earlier they will increase the abuse to begin with because they won't like the new assertive you, and will want to try to force you back to your previous submissive behaviour. Be aware they will do this and continue regardless. Seriously think about sending that text I suggested and really try to disengage. Don't panic as toy immediately did last night. It is going to take time for them to get used to the new you.

If this is too much at the moment then read the stately home thread, read about FOG and read that book that was recommended about toxic parents. Just don't let things go back to where they were.

I did say that about her reaction to me not being able to stop but I was told I just should have gone round so it didn't matter what she did.

Which makes no sense and I know it makes no sense but to them it does.

It doesn't make sense and you'll never be able to make them see sense. Hold on to that. Trust yourself and your feelings. Increase those boundaries and lower your expectations of them. Step back and disengage. Don't bother arguing or justifying. It's pointless and a waste of breath. State your position and then leave them to come to you when they can be more pleasant. They will eventually, but to begin with they won't like it and will continue to increase the abuse to try to get you back in your box.

I really hope you didn't answer your usual 6.30am call :(
And don't answer during the day either. If you plan to speak to her later, send one simple text saying you won't be answering as you need to work and also collect your thought. Then don't read her texts either, as she'll pile into the texts everything she wants to say on the phone and more.
I'm only telling you the above for self-survival. Get through today, do tomorrow when it comes and be kind to yourself.
Also have a look at the Emerging from Broken website. Very useful with a personal story behind it.
Pm me if you need to.