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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Areyousureaboutthat · 11/03/2018 12:11

Okay. Personally, I would have as little to do with the game playing lot of them as possible and wouldn't want to drag it out. Each to their own.

Storminateapot · 11/03/2018 12:19

I just think the poor woman needs time to process all of this. In 24 hours it's gone from 'how can you be so selfish & awful to your own mother' to 'your mother is toxic and you must cut her out of your life/reduce her influence over you.'

I do agree with the latter point of view, and some of your stories are utterly heartbreaking, but badgering her to do it now, today or she's a mug who is dooming herself to perpetually repeat this cycle is unfair. This has to happen when it's been fully thought through and accepted, not as a knee jerk reaction to Friday's events. OP has to live through this, we can all switch off and walk away. We (as a collective) might have strongly held opinions and personal experience and a lot of support to offer, but if today is not the right day for OP then allow her at least the freedom to make that decision independently in her own way and time or we end up just as bad as her mother trying to impose our will and timetable upon her.

Lizzie48 · 11/03/2018 12:24

I really think the OP would be better talking this through on the Stately Homes thread rather than here, where some posters want a quick resolution to the AIBU situation. Processing the issues in a toxic family situation doesn't resolve itself inside a weekend.

I'm just getting there at age 48.

Lizzie48 · 11/03/2018 12:25

That's not to say that posters are not right in their advice, but we're not the ones facing this IRL.

Rosielily · 11/03/2018 12:38

Course dd doesn't want to go. We had decided we were going to get sour dough and boursin and go sea glass hunting on the beach.
That's what I would rather be doing too.

This brought a year to my eye, having read through the whole thread. I hope you get to do this very soon.

I fully understand where you are coming from with regards to "paying" your brother and your reasons for so doing. This way you will be avoiding another fall out and a further opportunity to be berated by your family. You are also taking back (or gaining, perhaps?) the control within your family dynamics.

From then on you can start to pull back, deal with them on your terms, and still maintain the moral high ground.

I agree with much of what has been posted on here (with regards to the toxic nature of your family) and I too would be tempted to save or print the thread and quietly read and process the advice which you consider to be the most useful to you - it's only you who can do this.

I hope today went as good as it could do in the circumstances x

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 12:45

Glad you've decided to emulate the Queen and not carry cash. I too am like the Queen in that regards about the only bloody way.

You may want to practice your Mammy Brown that's nice for when you really mean fuck off for today.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 12:51

I am going to head over to the statley homes thread in a day or two.

It's only a few hours today, not till a bit later on.

Sea glass and boursin is on the list for a few weeks time. We already have a pretty special Easter week planned so we are both counting down to that. It's things we both want to do, with no worry about anyone else. Can't wait.

OP posts:
TheFrogWithLibraryBooks · 11/03/2018 13:05

Bloody hell OP I never truly got the meaning of idiots are ubiquitous until I read this thread!

Your mum really is horrible and it seems that only the people who have been through what you have really understand!

Thankfully I have been nc with my p for a lot of years now, and also my DC are as they have seen through the BS!

I have been in similar situations and have said that my DGC have a surprise for their mum/dad/both.
That's the difference, the surprise was from the kids, not me!

Moussemoose · 11/03/2018 13:09

So glad this thread calmed down it was distressingly toxic for a while.

I wonder if those posters come back and realise how awful they were.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/03/2018 13:48

I wish you the best of luck today, Quiddich - and happy Mother's Day to you.
Remember you can walk out whenever you want to, whatever they try.
And yes, I totally get why you're doing it this way - pushing back a little but not too much for YOU to handle.
But you're taking a stand to show them that they don't own you.

IN fact, have this song in your head (ignore the bit about boys):

Thanks and Wine for you.

YouTheCat · 11/03/2018 13:51

Doubt it, Mousse. They're all too busy posting threads about how disappointed they are that they only got flowers and chocolates for Mothering Sunday and that they've only been made one cup of tea.

I don't think it's about those that have toxic parents vs those that haven't. My parents were pretty much fine. Dad was a bit of a disciplinarian but not abusive. I think it comes down to some selfish and attitudes and a lack of empathy.

Lizzie48 · 11/03/2018 14:10

I think what often happens is that the first response to an OP sets the tone. If it's a strong 'YABU, she's your mother!' type response, there then tends to be a herd mentality where others pile in without reading the thread, competing to see who can be the nastiest. It becomes like the playground. Hmm

YouTheCat · 11/03/2018 14:12

I've seen that happen often, Lizzie.

Moussemoose · 11/03/2018 14:15

I've seen it happen too but good god have these people no empathy at all?

A clearly vulnerable person and they just stick the boot in without even reading the thread.

I'm just glad some excellent posters managed to get in and give some good advice. Well done to all who stepped up to turn the thread round.

Hope the OP stays strong today.

PilatesSuck · 11/03/2018 14:31

Setting boundries and terms is good OP. Giving them the chance to be shitty and knowing its the last time. If you were to get swept along doing what others would want you too then it would only bite you in the butt later. You would second guess everything because you were pushed before you were ready or when you werent ready.

And that way leaves an opening for flying monkeys to attack and grind you down.

I hope you have a nice time with your dd today.

Hygge · 11/03/2018 15:16

"On my terms and no justifying are things I want to do."

Quiddich I think that's a really good way to do this.

I found I was justifying our decision to people and it just got really stressful.

Realising I could just say "You don't have to understand our decision but you do have to respect it" was a massive relief.

I hope the day is going well for you.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 18:38

It was ok. Tricky but ok.
Glad to be home. No one hardly spoke to us but that was fine.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/03/2018 18:44

I'd take that as a success - did you get presented with a bill Grin

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 19:06

Nope.

Spoke to soon didn't it.

The wrath and now emotional abuse comes my way because the others wsys did not work. I said on the phone that i was going to go as I didn't have to be spoken to like that.

Fucks sake.

OP posts:
Hygge · 11/03/2018 19:11

Quiddich I'm sorry but not surprised.

You don't have to engage. Try to enjoy the evening with your DD instead.

Can you turn off the messages or the notifications?

peekyboo · 11/03/2018 19:17

OP Look up Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Their website is really helpful in wading your way through what is happening and why it had such a strong effect on you.
I found it invaluable when I was trying to sort out my own feelings. It's so confusing being in this situation and a bit of clarity goes a long way.
Good luck!

RandomMess · 11/03/2018 19:44

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 19:54

Don't know if it will apply to you but after the last run in with my parents I realised I had a landline with caller id and a voicemail, so if there was an emergency they could reach me. Then I blocked them from any other form of contact. In my case the abuse stopped because they wouldn't want dp or the DC to hear it for themselves and show themselves to be the bad person.

Is that something that could work or may help you?

Sorry they're so shit.

64BooLane · 11/03/2018 19:58

FlowersGinFlowers

Areyousureaboutthat · 11/03/2018 19:59

do agree with the latter point of view, and some of your stories are utterly heartbreaking, but badgering her to do it now, today or she's a mug who is dooming herself to perpetually repeat this cycle is unfair
Nobody is badgering, but as you can see reading the thread, it's one thing after another, constantly. Right up to coming back from dinner. That's a story of high pressure harassment being maintained over a long period of time which started over something pretty inconsequential. What's the benefit in maintaining and encouraging reasons for contact in this case? Its mentally damaging.
OP has again reached the point of wanting to withdraw, there seems no sense in stringing it out, and I wonder if this reluctance to let go (wanting to maintain control of the narrative ) is also causing mental anguish in itself