Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

I've been in your DD's position. My DPs would forever put GMs wishes and whims ahead of my siblings and I. Because she pulled shit when she didn't get her way. We all begged for things to be done without her. I don't remember a family event she didn't ruin. My most memorable Christmas involves her making some very racist comments, including about my DM's side of the family, and my being forced to apologise for ruining the day for saying I didn't want to listen to that at Christmas of all times. I'd rocked the boat by standing up for my family.
My half sister buggered off and didn't look back, I've not seen or heard from her in over 20 years. My younger sister learnt that is an appropriate way to behave and pulls the same shit herself. As for me, I've tried to be decent, I've tried to do the its family card but when DPs started pulling the same shit with my DC I told them to do one. I don't regret it for a moment. My DC will not be treated how we were by anyone, family or not.
I learnt as a child than whilst blood may be thicker than water, so is gravy.

You do get something out of passive compliance: you avoid being berated, and the “fall out” of having reasonable boundaries.

And it IS to DD’s detriment. If today or in two weeks you give your DB money that comes out of the food budget. DD sounds like she has things well sussed out!

Your approach with the hot meal sounds fine: your DM kicked off, but so what? You and DD had a hot meal and you presumably won’t invite your DM for a hot meal again!

Absolutely, don't give him money. Repeat to yourself over and over, this is for DD. This is for DD.

And OP, happy Mother's Day. Sounds like you've raised a strong intelligent child

Surely the most obvious reason is that the op wants to maintain a bond with her family and keeps hoping (despite what experience tells her) that they will change. How do you equate wanting to stay part of a family with enjoying being a doormat/martyr?

Any why do you think OP wants to stay part of the family when it's causing her so much stress and heartache?

She may be able to find a way to be part of the family and maintain her self respect and boundaries. By only engaging with them when they can act like decent people and getting out of the situation when they don't. That may give her some time with them spent nicely, and protects her from them when things turn sour.

But there's a possibility that that may be impossible with this family, and it's either be part of the family and deal with all this shit constantly and be upset and disrespected, or not be part of the family. There may be no 'good stuff' left to engage with. It may be rotten to the core.

Then OP still has a choice. Not an easy one of course. But she can choose to remove herself from the family if it is causing so much pain, and dial it right down to low contact and see how it goes. If that's rotten too then no contact/estrangement may be the way forward.

Only OP can decide if she's willing to take their shit to be allowed to be part of the family. I sure as hell wouldn't but that's her choice. And in that case she'd only stay if she was getting something from it. It may not be enjoying being a martyr but I wonder what it is. As it's not normal or healthy to keep choosing to be around people who treat you like shit, blood relatives or not.

I learnt as a child than whilst blood may be thicker than water, so is gravy.

People often think that phrase means family blood is thicker and stronger bond than water. The original phrase is actually 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb' which means the bond you share with the people you've chosen to be with is stronger and more meaningful than the bond with those you happen to be related to.

Those are the things she called me for just cooking and carrying on with out her. Not me calling myself that. I know she was out of order.

I was just saying that asserting yourself doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

Did she turn up late the next time I invited her over? Of course she did.
Did I say something? Of course I did.

Did I get it in the neck for even dare to mention it, yes. And was I blamed again - doesn't take a genius to work out the answer.

I think FOG is what really sums it up. The obligation thing is where I was stuck for years, it was my 'obligation' not to upset my DM (by telling her about the abuse as a child), my obligation to 'look out' for my DB.

It's a very powerful tool, you can see it at work on this thread, in the earlier posts kicking the OP for being unkind to her mum.

It may not be enjoying being a martyr but I wonder what it is. As it's not normal or healthy to keep choosing to be around people who treat you like shit, blood relatives or not.

Limon - I'm glad that you acknowledge the OP's behaviour may not be a result of her enjoying being a martyr. You might just as well say that anyone in an unhealthy/abusive relationship is in it for that reason.

Why did you invite her again?

And why does it matter what your mother says about you when you, the person who actually matters, knows it's untrue and unfair?

Why does what a horrible woman think about you matter so much to you that it's basically all that matters when thinking about how a situation went?

Please tell me you asked her to leave after this.

Thanks blue. I was trying to convey there is some reason. And a PP just came up with a great point: maybe she's getting to not be ostracised and not having to deal with the fallout.

Again, OP can decide whether that benefit is worth the cost to her sanity and her dignity that comes with putting up with all this.

The assertive thing to do, after her lateness so many times, would be not to invite her over for food again, or invite her over to yours (even if just for a cup of tea) any time you and DD had plans later on. And ask her to leave if she was rude.

NC with that lot. As soon as humanly possible.

And I did get quite a kicking on this thread. It wasn't nice.

I don't know. It's your mum and I guess it's very complicated. I did say I didn't see or talk to her for 10 years once. I think really if that didn't make a difference not much well. I've done the removing myself from situations, etc etc. Outcome is never any different.

I guess I just need to stick up some pretty firm boundaries. That's why I said I'll do this and then back out quietly. I don't need to announce it and go out in a blaze of smoke as that isn't going to make any impact either.

If it had been me, me and dd would have had our lunch at 12.30 as planned and she could have hers cold or re heated if and when she deemed to turn up.

She is in Sainsbury! I ask why as she was meant to be at mine..she had a few things to get and got dd some pants and how ungrateful am i that she was doing this nice thing and who did I think I was and she won't come now and it's my fault. That was a control thing to make you do what she wanted. Making out she was doing a good thing when she wasn't. Why did she have to buy your dd pants did you ask her, I'm guessing not.

Please look at the Stately homes thread. I'm sure it will give you more support then you are getting here.

LimonViola
Your post of 8.29 is very true. I, too, wanted a peaceful “the waltons” outcome and genuinely believed it was my fault this was unattainable. The constant message has always been I prevented happy, calm and rational. I succeeded for the most part before puberty by being as invisible as possible. But couldn’t contain it any longer when I wanted to be a person in my own right coupled with the increased sexualised abuse from my brother. Until I was 40, I thought it was all me, if only I was better, nicer, did more etc. But it’s not true. My family don’t want this with me. They want to destroy me. I’ve been nc with my brother for almost a year now. It’s been tough and subconsciously I’m really not there yet.

There are so many, who’ve been in your shoes Quiddich. We really only want the best for you and your dd.

Why did I invite them again? I don't know, to be nice? To try to do a nice thing? Because that's what families do, just mine seem incapable.

Why does the OP keep struggling to maintain the bonds of family despite the abuse?

Read the first half of this thread. The vipers heaping vitriol on a woman who does not leap to look after her lovely, white haired old mum who was single handedly looking after a young child all for no payment. The vile emotional manipulation and references to dying relatives.

The misreading, misunderstanding and then the heaping of social shame on someone struggling to live their own life and set boundaries.

Women are forced by other women to put up with this crap.

Stay strong OP and look after yourself.

I think you need to disentangle how you have allowed the situation to go from being nc for 10 years to obeying your mother completely and accepting she calls you multiple times a day. When did you recommence contact?

Why did I invite them again? I don't know, to be nice? To try to do a nice thing?

Why are you trying to be nice to someone who isn't nice back to you?

Not too dis similar to my brother who told me to just sort it and everyone will have a lovely time as lots of effort has been put in.

I will not have a lovely time, neither will dd. You can't say it will be nice and then that makes it nice.

"It may not be enjoying being a martyr but I wonder what it is. As it's not normal or healthy to keep choosing to be around people who treat you like shit, blood relatives or not."

I think it's actually pretty obvious why the OP chooses to still keep in touch with her mother - she's already said it. She loves her, despite her being a difficult person.

It's not that easy to go completely NC with family members like your mother!

Quiddich - I agree with your idea that you should not pay immediately - make your brother ask you again, and remind him how many times he's been to yours with very little contribution. Or you could say "well you only brought soft drink to the last 7 times at mine, at about £2 each time, that makes us even, ok?"

And yes, it's now abundantly clear that your brother wasn't exactly being a flying monkey, he just wanted to make sure you turned up so he could get his payment!!

Drop the lot of them, if you can. They're not adding any positives into your life.

Huge (((hugs))) - realising that your entire family is crap is quite painful.

I'm sorry Mummyoflittledragon

I too kept thinking if only I try harder or do something different maybe I can make this work. I love him so much, surely he loves me too and wants me in his life? Then you realise that they don't. It was hard to acknowledge while I loved and cared for him he didn't give a shit about me, and I got exhausted always giving 200% to his 0%.

Eventually he turned physically abusive and that was that. I still struggle but for my own self respect and preservation I know I need to and will stay far away.

OP you keep saying the outcome is no different. But if you have removed yourself and not had to listen to their shit that's a good outcome. The outcome doesn't have to be that they act differently. It has to be that you do, and you respect yourself.

I absolutely agree, @Moussemoose it's just hard to explain the dynamics of abusive family dynamics to people who grew up in supportive families. It's why AIBU isn't the best place to post threads about this.

It's not that easy to go completely NC with family members like your mother!

I know. I hope I never implied it was easy.

OP says she did it before for a decade.

I've had to do the same myself with a sibling, it has been hell. But it's the only viable outcome.

It's possible even though it's not easy. It's down to you what you're willing to tolerate to keep someone in your life or not.