Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

I have been in your situation. I have sucked up paying for things and been seriously ripped off by my brother. As someone, who paid, I’m telling you. DON’T. Just DON’T. It will make fuck all difference to family relations.

You won’t be able to “quietly drift away” with a family like this. If that’s what you’ve decided why bother going today?

Go, if that’s what’s been decided, but IMO it’d be better not to. Do something with DD instead!

If you do go, don’t take cash, if directly asked say you won’t be paying and that he is cheeky to ask and refuse any follow up requests for cash.

Your beach and sourdough plan seems much nicer: do that! So what if your family kick off!

Your brother’s request for money is more than enough justification for declining the invitation.

I can't be doing with a mass argument. I really cant. It sucks my energy and leaves me with horrible feelings for weeks on end.

I'll just go and then never do a family thing again.

If I don't go now and refuse to pay the fall out with be horrific.

You're choosing to play this game OP. Nobody else.

You'd rather be on the beach with DD, but choosing to go to your family?

I'm starting to get the impression you get something from your role as martyr in this twisted family dynamic.

This thread has made me realise how bloody awful and difficult it makes your life being completely unable to assert yourself or prioritise yourself over irrational and unreasonable people.

OP please, please, look into therapy to learn how to be assertive and protect yourself and your child. You owe it to her. And yourself, but you don't seem to care about yourself so I hope you care enough about her.

Please reply to DBs text and say that you can not pay and therefore have no desire to impose without paying. Texarkana your mum the same. Turn your phones off or block their numbers & go out. You will never look back. They have no right to do this. They just aren't worth it.

Yanbu. You have stated on here that when she asks you in like this other times it was to just chat shit about other people and the fact that you had a food delivery that was delivered early last week. You didnt have the funds to re buy and what would have happened if you got home an someone nicked it or a new delivery date was made for a few days later. You said yourself that you told your mum this and she still demanded that you come in. For some reason people on mumsnet think that our lives should revolve around our mothers if they ask for something and we are being unreasonable if we dont agree. We dont know what your relationship is with your mother so no one can judge you on saying i have got to go for the food delivery. She could have told you over the phone and done it for actual mothers day, not a few days early. Yanbu, just because she is your mum and is older doesnt mean you have to drop everything thing for them, contrary to other opinions on this site. Your mother was bu in assuming you would do what she says. And before anyone starts lambasting me, the op said her mother offered her dd to go around to sit there for a bit, that doesnt mean that you owe her a favour, she asked. She sounds very toxic when she doesnt get her own way op.

Limon
Yes, op is so far in the FOG. I’ve had years of therapy to get me to the fuck it point and even so, just thinking about my brother makes me very anxious.

Missmorley - the discussion's moved on a bit ....

Please do not start saying things like that. That is very unfair.

I have had a shit time since Friday. Then I got a kicking on here too.

I cannot deal with any more shit this weekend. I'm on my own and have a full week of work ahead.
If this makes me a weak and shit human then so be it. But I just cannot take any more crap this weekend.

I'll go. I'm not paying today. I'll make him bloody ask me for it again and will make a comment on me never charging him. And then I'll back out.

I've had a lot of crap in my life. I cut people off quite quickly at the first sign of shit. Family is a bit more difficult. I always say to people that if I'm arguing with you it's because I care and want to sort things. The damage is done when I just walk away with out saying anything. It's because I've got nothing left to say.
I've just reached that point.

Text him back. 'Thats fine. It was £45 for the last few years for you but now i see we are charging i will deduct the £15. You owe me £30. Cash is fine.'

OP you see how this works? Your brother says jump and you say how hi. Like your mum. Take a stand. Send a text pointjng out he owes you or back out.

All this arguing. All this anxiety. Is contact with them worthit? Not just for you but dd too.

I'll go. I'm not paying today. I'll make him bloody ask me for it again and will make a comment on me never charging him. And then I'll back out.

Well done op - that's a really good compromise I think.

Yes, op is so far in the FOG. I’ve had years of therapy to get me to the fuck it point and even so, just thinking about my brother makes me very anxious.

Yep, terrifyingly so. What makes it all the more sad is that she doesn't seem to realise.

Also been through similar and eventually went full blown NC with my own brother three years ago. It can be done. You just have to get to a point where you start realising your own self worth is more important than appeasing someone who doesn't remotely have your interests at heart.

I've grieved a lot for him and continue to do so, I think I always will as you can't switch love off. I have nightmares about him often. But I'll be damned if I'm going to be treated like shit by someone just because they're 'family'. I did try for years to resolve the situation to no avail.

The world would be a better place if people let go of the idea that 'family' means you can treat someone however you wish and they just have to take it and stay in your life.

Cross posted. Glad you arent payjng. Fucking cheek of them. Stay strong. It is so very hard to challenge this kind of people

It's so tough to see it when you've been conditioned to respond in such a way, @LimonViola its not that the OP enjoys playing the martyr, that's a very simplistic way of looking at it.

I've been the martyr myself in my role in my DM and my DB's life. DM has always told me I had to 'look out' for him because of his MH issues. He's 50 and I'm 48 now and I'm finally getting there and have understood that my priority is my DDs and not him. He's aggressive with them and when I saw that they were scared of him I realised that enough was enough.

When I finally changed the dynamics it was surprisingly straightforward. I'm an adult and my DM has no power to make me do things I don't want to do. Because not having to deal with this takes the stress off IYSWIM.

You're not getting a kicking. You're getting advice and support. You won't always like every word of it. I'm sorry if my comment about being a martyr upset you, I should have phrased it differently. What I was trying to get at is, what is it you're getting from this situation to keep going back for more? You wouldn't if there wasn't something in it for you, and all I can see you might possibly get from this is like I say, enjoying in some way being the family doormat or martyr. Does it make you feel valued or good for always being selfless? Is it pride at feeling like you're the bigger person? What?

Until you figure out why you keep enabling this shit to continue I think you'll have a hard time breaking free, from your responses here anyway. Hence suggesting therapy.

Print out this thread, every last page. And when you're calmer in a few days or weeks sit down and read it. Really read it. And see what hundreds of other women are saying, what they see without being stuck in the middle. And ask yourself if you deserve more.

You're right Lizzie. It was simplistic. I've tired to elaborate a bit more!

Even better, don’t pay today and don’t back down later

Make sure you don’t take any cash in your purse otherwise you might feel that urge to cough up if he starts pressing you for it.

I’ll stop posting now, you sound stressed, hope the day goes ok.

Limon- also, I'm not a shrinking violet. I am confident and assertive and dd is just fine.
The issue is that what ever you do they don't behave in a normal way. You can't do right what ever you do. There isn't a way to assert yourself and your needs.

I'll give you an example. Dd and I had a nice lunch planned. Mum was on her own and I asked her over to include her. I told her the time for lunch was 12.30. She said it was too early. I said it wasn't and that was the time.
I made the nice lunch. It was hot so all about timings etc. Gets to 12.20 and she's not at mine. I after getting pissed off..dd said why did I invite her as she always does this..i carry on cooking as it's too late to stop. At 12.25 I call her. She is in Sainsbury! I ask why as she was meant to be at mine..she had a few things to get and got dd some pants and how ungrateful am i that she was doing this nice thing and who did I think I was and she won't come now and it's my fault.

We are our lunch as I wasn't going to let it spoil. She turned up 30 mins late and ate it cold and congealed. Outcome - my fault for doing lunch too early and being melodramatic. Asserting myself and just doing it anyway made no difference to the outcome.

Limon I don't get anything out of it I can promise you that.

She turned up 30 mins late and ate it cold and congealed. Outcome - my fault for doing lunch too early and being melodramatic. Asserting myself and just doing it anyway made no difference to the outcome.

But it did make a difference OP.

You showed your mum that if she's invited somewhere and doesn't show on time you won't wait for her and push it back. You showed her that she can eat it later cold and congealed but you and your child eating your hot meal at the time agreed went ahead anyway.

When you say 'my fault, melodramatic' etc what do you mean? Did your mum kick off and say those things? As at that point you ask her to leave, and remind her you invited her for a nice lunch and she was late and that's not how to speak to people hosting you for lunch. And you enforce that.

Just because your mum claims you are something doesn't mean it's true OP.

all I can see you might possibly get from this is like I say, enjoying in some way being the family doormat or martyr

Why would you say that Limon? Surely the most obvious reason is that the op wants to maintain a bond with her family and keeps hoping (despite what experience tells her) that they will change. How do you equate wanting to stay part of a family with enjoying being a doormat/martyr?

It sounds like your idea of a good outcome is that everyone is happy and calm and rational and nobody has a problem with anybody else.

You need to recalibrate that expectation in your family. Your idea of a good outcome needs to be that you stayed calm and you were respected. And if somebody disrespects you, you keep those boundaries by getting away from them. You leave the situation or ask them to leave. If they can't behave like normal people you walk away and see them again some other time and if they do the same you walk away again.

If somebody kicks a dog they don't usually lie there waiting for the next blow to land.