AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

Can people please stop saying "just buy her a card" as if it's a trivial thing? The OP has already explained that she finds mothers day difficult on account of how her mother is dead and that it's too painful to even look at the cards. Why should she suddenly find it OK to start buying cards for someone else's mother?

OP, your husband has been told, he doesn't want to buy a card. I would just move on

Ellendegeneres Someone must have told your son about MD and helped him "sneak off" to buy something. That's how he knows about it.

When DH was five he would have been oblivious to buying any gifts or cards because MIL (and on MIL's days, FIL) did it and pretended they were from the kids. I don't mean they took the kids out and paid for a gift from them, I mean they did it without them knowing.

When I first met DH gifts were sent at Christmas in his name that he knew nothing about.

GreenTulips I have not not moved on. I am just expecting another complaint from MIL this year and that is why I was thinking about it.

SecondaryConfusion MIL bought all the others - Father's Day, Christmas, Birthdays, even SIL's to DH and DH's to SILs. They knew no better until I was on the scene and told DH that I didn't want gifts sent in my name, that it was weird.

I only met FIL a couple of times but I doubt he initiated the card buying. think MIL would have had to reminded him to get her a card to pretend was from DH/SIL.

Stop making excuses for him. He's a grown man with eyes and ears.

Then if DH is a shit, SIL must be a bigger one, she doesn't buy her mother a birthday present! Well, not every year. She "forgets" and then never gets around to it.

I still think MIL brought it on herself.

Yep. Both shits.

if you have explained to your dh tht by not buying his mother a caard (29p form card factory) a card for mothers day that she feels hurt and unloved - then i think that says more aout your dh

if however mil has always been an utter cunt and he doesn't want to buy her one 0 thats a different story.

if its the former your dh is unthoughtful toward his own mother and that would make me pause about my dh.

many years ago i told my dh your family you sort their gifts - and like you - i remind him but im no his fucking mother and he hasn't got a disability whih precludes him in anyway from buying a card, then i just say - its mothers day sunday - get your fucking mother a card. and he does. your husbands actions are imo - weird - unless he had a fucked up childhood

GreatDuckCookery MIL has never told me she feels hurt and unloved. She told me she had "had to" her own card from SIL and get SIL to write in it.

Sorry, last comment was to custardo, Name didn't copy.

I’m quite sure my lovely DIL either buys or reminds my son to get me a Mother’s Day card

MIL has never told DH, and probably never told SIL, that she feels hurt and unloved. I only guessed that she wanted a card sending (me to send it but pretending to be from DH) when she told me she had bought a pretend one from SIL.

How sad he can’t buy his mother a card...

I'd be heartbroken if I was her :(
Buy her a damn card she won't be around one day and you don't want to regret anything just cause she probably saved your dh and sil ass because they may have forgot about people and she didn't want others to be left out in terms of gifts etc.

That’s weird that cards and presents were given from the DC without he DC knowing of it.

I think all you can do is tell DH one last time that it would be a thoughtful gesture. If he doesn’t and MIL says anything to you, tell her you’ve reminded him and he thinks she isn’t bothered. So she needs to talk to him directly.

i guess in your shoes i would relate it to myself - would i feel hurt if m grown p chilren dn't bother to get me a card - yes

even though mil isnt my favourite person in the world, would i wish for her to feel unloved by her own son - no

she had bought a pretend one from SIL

That is heartbreaking.

He should at least get her a card and tbh you should at least remind him if he doesn't because it is a kind thing to do. How would you both feel when your children are older and never bother to do anything for you?

You are so keen to have a go at your MIL and ignore the fact you are married to a man so selfish he won't get his own mum a Mothers Day card. She gave him the gift of life, FFS, and he can't even go online and order her a bunch of flowers. This is all about your DH letting down his mum and it is pathetic how you try and blame her for his failings.

I don't understand how your dh can take your dc out to get something for you and not think to get something for his own Mother.

Just don't get it and don't see how your MIL can be blamed after all these years.

OP YABU your husband should do this for his mother himself but I think it's really sad that you take this stance and make an older woman unhappy to prove a point.

I'm actually feeling quite emotional on behalf of this poor poor woman. Deceased FIL buys cards now she won't get any, heartbreaking.

You keep saying that your DH thinks she doesn’t want anything. So is he calling you a liar when you tell him she has spoken to you about it and does mind or is he just ignoring it because he is an utter shit? It’s one or the other.

The more I read through this thread the more it upsets me. I pretty much have fuck all at the moment yet my mom still has a gift and I'll make the effort on Sunday like I do every year.
She raised me, she nourished me.
I can understand if you had an abusive mom, but your dh doesn't sound like he has.

No respect for your mom, no respect for anyone.