AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

I tell him
I prompt him
I have reminded him
I am not going to do it for him.

And he still refuses to buy her anything? He’s a twat then.

Wow, that's some mental contortionism you did there in order to blame your MIL for your DH being a lazy, uncaring son

My AIBU was asking whether MIL brought this on herself, not whether my DH was a shit lol!

I still think she did (bring it on herself). I am not DH's mother (and if I was I would be getting a card because I would have told him to his face that I would be upset if I didn't).

If you've spelled it out to your husband that she does care and he still won't believe it or get her a card then I'm afraid you're married to a total arsehole.

I do feel sorry for his mum

It sounds as if you don't really wnt to rectify the situation, just justify it.

if your H can;t grasp after being told that his mother would like a card on Mother;s Day then he must be beyond thick.
It's alos not unheard of for DIL's to give cards to their MIl;s or for grandchildren to give a card to thier grandmother's - so although you don;t want to do it for him, you could do it for yourself and ask your children if they'd like to make a card for Granny.

You don't need to overthink this kind of stuff and lay blame, or analyse where things went wrong, someone just needs to be kind. It's a simple and effective approach to life.

Looks like I'm going against the grain here, but I'm with OP.

For her part, there is nothing more she can do except buy a card herself and send it in behalf of her DH. And completely agree she shouldn't do that - why should she? Particularly when the day itself is such a horrible, sad reminder for her of her own parents.

For DH's part, he could step up and take this on. But maybe I sympathise because my DH is rubbish with things like this. He simply doesn't do life admin (it makes him very stressed, always has), and he can't keep these things in his head. I d

That's just weird.

Your husband knows it's Mother's Day, takes his daughter out to buy a card for his wife, but it doesn't occur to him that he has a mother himself?

Your bed, OP. Enjoy him.

But your husband is a shit. You presumably don't need to ask, it's pretty obvious.

If he knows your occasions matter, then he has been taught and he should know those same occasions matter for his mother. It almost sounds like he's withholding on purpose from her. If not then he's just selfish and doesn't appear to care much about how his mother feels. Both are pretty shit and not MIL fault.

I feel really sorry for your MIL. I think I'm overly emotional but the thought of her losing her husband and then now having to wake up Mother's Day with no card/presents unless she buys her own is really making me feel upset. So what if she use to get FIL to buy a card, now he's not here your DH and SIL need to step up and start acting like adults.

Gah, posted too soon!

I do remind my DH, but ultimately he's an adult. And his parents are adults, just like OP's MIL. If she can't have an adult conversation with him about this and say it hurts her (though not sure why it would given he never did it anyway), they're both as bad as each other.

OP's MIL sounds like a nice person. But it doesn't mean she needs mollycoddling.

Show your ‘d’h this thread. See if the opinions on here make any impact.

The way a man treats his mother is a good way to gauge how he’ll treat you in the future.

Good luck, you’ll need it if my observation holds true. Mind you, I think whatever may come you’ve ‘brought it on yourself’ frankly. It’s hard to sympathise with someone so insular that getting a Mother’s Day Card or ensuring your husband does the bare minimum for his mother is beyond your understanding of common decency.

Dh uses to be a complete arse like yours so I would buy mil a bunch of flowers from me as she is a great mil. Mil also had form for fake present buying in dh behalf.

Now dh has he's own kids and realised it's important to his mum he gets a card and his own flowers.

I just can't understand why your DH will cause this much upset when it would be SO SIMPLE for him to just pick up a card when he gets one for you. What's his thinking here?!

Yes you are right.
She's raised a pair of spoilt thoughtless brats.

I can't get over the fact he will happily go into a shop and buy you a card but just can't be arsed to get something for her too whilst he is there. Does he not like his mum or something?.

Does he not bother when it's her birthday either?

I just think it says a lot about a person when they just can't be bothered like this. And the fact you have lost your parents ...im surprised he doesn't appreciate more what he has whilst he has it.

Ok no I don’t think she’s brought it on herself. I still think he’s a shit. He’s a grown man who knows when Mother’s Day is, is told and prompted by you and even goes out to buy you something for his DD.

Not very kind at all OP.

Well this thread goes down as another pointless one.

Are you saying your husband has so little respect for you that after multiple mentions that his mum would like a card he still ignores you?

Sorry but I agree with other posters, he's a selfish man child and yabu for blaming your mil.

dejectedharry I agree but they don't think it is important because they have never had to think of it at all.

RooKangaroo That's the thing. MIL won't step up and tell them. I will tell DH what his mother said last year (and even that was a bit passive aggressive with the "I had to buy myself a card thing" ) but it's not my job to do it for him. I am not their parent!

If MIL didn't speak "indirectly" (through me) and buy gifts from others "indirectly" (she still does from SIL and SIL is older than DH) perhaps her adult children would have learned that she would actually like a card or something on MD.

You know when you want to bang your head repeatedly on the table ...

I think he thinks she doesn't give a damn because she has never taught him that it matters.

How immature and unattractive. Okay she raised him as a spoiled brat but he’s an adult now and if he doesn’t get it then I can also guarantee you that your presents are only given out of perceived duty and to keep the peace.

So if your husband doesn't think your MiL cares about this, does he think you're lying or monumentally stupid when you tell him that she obviously does? Isn't that extremely offensive of him?

Mothers Day is just another vehicle for card manufacturers, florists, restaurants and the like to make money out of people. It creates an expectation on the recipient and an obligation on the giver.

Far better to treat mum to a nice day out or a box of chocs or some flowers (whatever is her personal preference) on another day. Then it's clearer that the motivation is one of love and caring, not merely obligation.

But your H knows his mum would like a card because you’ve told him umpteen times to by her one. What is his problem?

she mighta made the rod for her own back...she has limited options on a "rescue"...especially so far down the line.you dont gotta feel anything-you have to tell her boy that you are some sorta modern day "writing on wall" lmfao "burning bush" style deliverance of a suggested action. do that n ...thats best you can do-sorted.