AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

SleepOhHowIMissYou I will show him this thread.

Fugitivefrombrusstice Because he truly doesn't think she is upset. He truly doesn't think MIL celebrates MD. She's never told him. She's hinted to me, he thinks I am reading too much into it. In his words "she doesn't bother about things like that, she was never bothered when we were kids".

You're really tying yourself in knots here to blame your poor MIL for the selfish and unkind actions of your DH.

Did your DH not notice that his mother apparently received cards from him and his sister every Mothers' Day? Did he not work out from that that it could be something she likes to receive? I don't understand how someone can be so blindly unobservant.

tolerable Yes

Look, my DH never remembers despite repeated prompting either. I buy the card. Not because it’s ‘my job’, but because I would rather do that than let an elderly lady be upset and disappointed.

Your DH is an arse and apparently you are very well suited.

Your husband is a twat.
I would not step up and tell my adult son he needed to buy me a card because he knows and can manage it for his wife on behalf of his DD.
I feel really sorry for your MIL.

Would it cost you so much to buy a card for him to write and deliver especially when you know she would appreciate it? A small kindness?

I no longer have a father, but I buy Father’s Day cards. You

GnotherGnu We live hundreds of miles away, it was never mentioned.

I have conversations with DH about his mother "You need to get her flowers." "She says not to bother." "She doesn't mean that." "But how do you know?" "Just buy the fucking flowers."
Seriously OP, just give the poor woman a break and tell him to get her something.

Posted too soon.
... you and he are very alike.

So all those years she spent caring for him and raising him mean nothing to either of you. Lovely people.

I think you’re right Fenella. I know there’s a big outcry on here when it’s suggested that a woman should buy a card instead of her H but there’s some instances when it’s the right thing to do.

Your MIL did bring it on herself to an extent but her children are ignorant arseholes. I wouldn’t remind him or buy cards either for mother’s day or any other occasion in his family. He’s an adult and as capable of looking at a calendar and purchasing items as you are.

Iv not read every post on this thread but my opinion is that your dh and you are (very much) selfish - how would you feel if you got nothing??

FIL bought the cards from DH and SIL right into their 40s. Now FIL is gone, no one buys them.

That's really, really sad. Also, I've just lost my mum and I totally 100% support your decision not to go shopping for a card on DH's behalf. He really needs to get a grip and just buy a frigging card, whether he really believes she wants one or not. What harm could it possibly do?

Poor woman. Here's hoping I never have a heterosexual son.

Why should the OP have to buy mil a card or remind her husband to do it. He is married therefor an adult and should be able to do this for himself

But you're in the right place for a moan. MiLs are all basically satan incarnate.

Ooh, this winds me up too. If it's his mum, why doesn't he buy a card? Why are people "jeez, you're mean,just buy the poor woman a card?"
No,he's mean if anyone is for not bothering to buy one!
Why is it default the woman's place to get the cards?
My mum's like this. She'll say "I've always bought and sent out cards as if it was left up to your dad they wouldn't get one."
Surely that's my dad then who's being the slack one in not getting one?!

YABU, OP. Your MIL didn't buy the stuff for Mother's Day, her husband did. It's not her fault. It doesn't sound like she's had any recognition on Mother's Day since she lost her husband - just buy her a card!

You seem to be a bit dogmatic about it because it's something you don't do yourself - when I lost my mum it was painful to see the cards and stuff for the first few years but I wouldn't have vetoed it for anyone else on that basis.

Your husband is a cunt. Tell him to stop blaming his mother, it's not her fault that he's an absolute prick.

God the poor woman. My ds is 5(!) and is excited about ‘showing mummy how much I love her’ and sneaking off shopping with a friend to buy me something he thinks I’ll love.
He’s FIVE. I haven’t told him I wanted anything, he at his age already realised that birthdays, Christmas and any other celebration days are not just about him and what he can get, but about how to make others happy.
Your dh could learn a few things from him.

Why do you want to be married to a man who can't be arsed to buy his mother a Mother's Day card when it's important to her?

Jeez, I am in no way the biggest fan of my MIL but I would think less of DH if he didn't buy her a card. Because I would be very hurt if my boys didn't care about me enough to do so when they grow up

Poor MIL. For years she took it upon herself to send family gifts on behalf of her thoughtless son, which yes, didn't help matters but at least it saved face.
Then you finally cajoled him into being responsible for the gifts for his family members, yet you won't do the same for his mother. Do either of you even like her?

OP, accusing your MIL of emotional blackmail in this scenario is really nasty. You and your DH both sound very self absorbed.

I feel sorry for MIL - her own DC won’t buy her a card and she’s to blame for ‘bringing them up that way’. Never mind that it was their DF that brought the cards, not MIL.