AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

I am not going to buy her a card! I am not MIL and will not act like her. I am not going to pretend I am DH.

SecondaryConfusion Thank you that is a good idea. I told her last year to speak to her children but she didn't. Not DH anyway. I think her (if true) buying a card to get SIL to sign was a passive aggressive personally but SIL wouldn't have got the message, she probably just wrote it. MIL needs to TELL THEM.

DalekDalekDalek She has bought pretend cards from DH and SIL to everyone all their lives, over 40 years.

Actually op, my friend told him ‘its Mother’s Day this weekend’ (I was in the room) and ds started planning there and then what he wanted to do- because in his words ‘it’s a day for mummy to know how much we love her’ and he asked friend to help him.

Hey look, you can believe it or not, fact is, my 5yr old has more empathy and feeling than your old man. I know which I’d rather. In 20-30yrs I know my ds will still appreciate and want to show his love for me. Your man can’t say the same about the woman who raised him 🤷‍♀️

Why should she have to speak to them?! It's hardly her fault. It's rude to ask also. Just nip it in the bud you know, "I'd like a damn card this year" why should she have to ask for her own cards and mothers day gifts? I'm sure she's sad enough that your FIL has passed away. Never mind having kids and extended family who can't clock on. The poor woman deserves a lot better.

Ruffian Because he doesn't think MIL bothers about MD. They were never taken out like he takes DD out.

And how sad that the woman raised two kids and neither cares enough to buy her a 59p fucking card from card factory

I am not going to buy her a card!

You and your DH seem quite well suited. Completely apathetic to other people's feelings. Would it kill you to buy your MIL a card? You know how she feels!

Jesus I'll send the lady a damn card just to make her smile instead of her bring miserable no one bothered :(

Hell I didn't know MIL bothered about MD until FIL died and last year she did the buying her own card thing because FIL wasn't around to do it.

I presume FIL got SIL to write in a card he bought (SIL lives near MIL) but he never sent one to DH to write in. I presume he wrote it himself. Or perhaps it was a joint (pretend) one from SIL and DH. I dunno.

Yes but he knows now OP, that's the point, he knows enough about it now to take his own dc out to get you something.

He'd have to be living on another planet not to know that his Mother is going to expect a card on Mother's Day. The only reason for not getting one would be if she had expressly said she didn't want it.

But you’ve told him she is bothered yet he either doesn’t believe you or is nasty enough to not care!

Even if SIL is a bigger shit, it doesn’t mean that your dh is less of a shit.

DS is 3 on Sunday. We went out to get my mum’s present today and he’s so excited about giving her a cuddle and screaming “happy mother’s day!” at her on Sunday. That’s despite seeing her today, and tomorrow and Sunday.

That’s right - 3.

I assume your dh is a fully functioning adult? If so he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself

So you were willing to make a stand on behalf of Auntie Margaret, convince your DH that she might like some presents, and your DH was willing to take that board. But not his own mum?

Are we going to get some massive drip feed about how MIL is actually Cruella de Ville? There must be something else going on. It makes no sense!

I've know MIL for 5 years. I don't know her well, we don't live near her. She is not my mother, I am not going to send her a card as if she was. I am not going to "do a MIL" and pretend the card is from DH.

Ruffian I think he takes DD out because he knows that I, and my family of origin, like cards and things. But his family "don't do that".

PinkAvocado I've told him I think she was bothered because she bought a card for SIL to write. DH says she always does that.

Just go out tomorrow, spend a fucking pound on a card and give it to you "D"H to sign!

You know she is hurt and you still can't go to the effort of buying a card to make her feel loved. Jesus! Hope your kids aren't as lazy and/or selfish as you and your husband are when they grow up!

Your daughter will grow up seeing the uncaring way her father behaves towards his mother. What a role model he is.

Exactly op - you keep skirting around why the fuck your DH can't get his own mum some flowers and a card. No on is saying you should - why can't he?

Then he is clearly trying to ignore the fact his actions upset her so he is categorically nasty.

MrsFrumble No massive dripfeed about MIL being Cruella. I have no idea whether she is or not, I don't know her that well.

I made a stand about Auntie Margaret etc because I didn't want MY name on cards and gifts I knew nothing about.

How awful

No MIL has not 'brought it on herself' to have a DS & his wife with so little consideration for the woman who raised him.

A card can cost as little as 59p in cheaper card shops are neither of you can be arsed???

I guess this is a case of hopefully what goes around comes around....

yeah i think your dh is very unthoughful

I lost my mum 10 years ago. If I go into town on the run up to mother's day I pick up a card for OH to give his mother and a card from dc for their grandmother. If OH goes into town he will pick up cards for his mother and a card for dc to give me.

Seriously it's a card. You are adults. I would feel so guilty if my mil ever felt the need to buy her own mothers day card. Grow up FFS!