AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

Not entirely sure whether I think YABU or not...when DH and I got together I made it clear that his family, his responsibility when it comes to things like birthdays etc. Which he is fine with, doesn't expect me to do anything. I'm also not close to his family - no issues or falling out at all we just all live a long way from each other and I've met them a handful of times. So if he didn't get his mum a mother's day card and she was upset I'd never know. He's good at remembering some things (and has sent a card and a present this weekend) but forgets others so it's a bit hit and miss as to whether all important occasions are appropriately marked. I don't even know when his parents birthdays are tbh.

However I was very close to my ex's mum and always made sure she had flowers, nice gifts, cards etc even if he didn't bother because I loved her and I wanted her to feel special even if she knew they were really from me (and she did, it was a family joke).

I think it's down to the relationships between everyone involved.

What harm could it possibly do?

Worst case I can think of, which from what i have read here is vanishingly unlikely, is that MiL genuinely does not want a card from her son, and drops you a hint to that effect for next year. That would be a win-win in my book.

When DH was five he would have been oblivious to buying any gifts or cards because MIL (and on MIL's days, FIL) did it

What evidence do we have for this explanation, rather than the one which to me is more likely: we have a mother for whom presents and card, acknowledgements generally, are really, really important. When her DC got to the age when they might be expected to start to take some sort of interest themselves, she found it difficult to interest DS in taking any kind of activity, so started to do it herself one year. After several years of trying to get them interested, eventually she gives up and does it herself. A DiL comes along, shows interesting doing this themselves, still nothing from the son. So she drops a hint to DiL, because it would break her heart to only get a card if she had to effectively ask her DS for one. What would it mean to get a card which had been requested?

What is the now adult son like for other occasions? Is he likely to spontaneously get her gifts or flowers? What is he like at Christmas? It would be very different if he is thoughtful and generous all the time, and just does't care pre-arranged events like Mothering Sunday. I'm guessing, that he is just happy not doing anything. If this is the case, I would honestly be asking him why that would be.

What did it take, for him to know to take your DD to get you a card? Does he do it because you told him to? For me, that would be a bit of a worry, wondering why he doesn't get that its a lovely thing to do by himself.

*My AIBU was asking whether MIL brought this on herself, not whether my DH was a shit lol!

I still think she did (bring it on herself)*

OP: AIBU?
Mumsnet: yes
OP: no I'm not!

Then if DH is a shit, SIL must be a bigger one

How is that relevant, other than as more of the same blame game.

Harsh but fair!

Nothing I can do.

You: buy your mother a card for mother’s day
DH: she’s not bothered
You: yes she is. Your father used to buy them and now no one does.
DH: whinge whinge excuses
You: stop being a dick and buy your mother a card for mother’s day.

Soupdragon - more a case of nothing I want to do

Do you want to know how I would react If my MIL phoned me, shortly after her DH's death, to tell me she had to buy her own card from SIL for Mother's Day?
I would NOT string together a list of speculative and manipulative reasons for the revelation. I would sob my fucking heart out.

You say you cannot deal with Mother's Day cards since your DM died ( - it's horrible), but yet you happily accept a Mother's Day card from DD. Do you manage to buy a Father's Day card for DH, or is that too hard? I think I know the answer.
You know with absolute certainty that your MIL cares about cards, or why would she have spent years sending them on behalf of DH and SIL?

Do you and DH have to specifically request Christmas/birthday cards and gifts from her? I imagine not.
Why should your MIL have to specifically request a Mother's Day card?

Maybe Clinton's need to create a 'I want a Mother's Day card' card. Then your MIL could send that to him. FFS.

I think you really fucking dislike the poor woman, and if I had her address, I would send her a card every year.

The MIL sounds mad - every year she has had a mothers day card that says TO MY MUM, but its never been done by either kid? she has asked her husband to do it

and at no point did husband and mother ever get the kids involved in these cards? (ie taking them to buy/choose it). I'd say she really is not fussed about getting a card FROM HER KIDS. She may as well buy them from herself. Very strange. Poor parenting really.

(and no, i'd not play into this and buy her one, it means nothing, you may as well get one off the cat)

Sad not mad I think burnout and I think OP is revelling in it. Cruel.

Ok - stating the obvious. Your DH thinks Mother’s Day is crap, he’s a bit lazy, the “women” do this card stuff not men. Yep, he can get into buying gifts for Aunty Margaret etc at Christmas, and yep his dad prompted by his Mum did some of what Women’s Hour (radio 4) would call emotional work but that stuffs not his remit. Put like that you buying the card buys into his dick-ness. Plus his lack of empathy means he doesn’t get your very understandable horror of picking and choosing a card when your own mother has recently died. Do you feel understood by your DH?

Otherwise she’d not go to the trouble of buying them for her daughter to sign or to mention it to her DIL

Note MIL did not approach her daughters partner to complain but went directly to her - she chose to speak to OP rather than directly to her son ...... this is making it OPs problem in MILa eyes rather then the sons

MIL has the issue with her children - thenbots none of OPs business

OP you and your DH are vile, selfish and uncaring and I feel so sorry for MIL

I also think you must be incredibly stupid and just can't seem to grasp what people are saying to you. Either that or you're just too far up your own backside to actually give a thought to another's feelings

Or alternatively it's a complete windup and she's spent the last few hours laughing her socks off at us all.

I don't think this is a wind up but I think the OP was banking on everyone agreeing with her. Not once did she even consider that she or even worse that her H was in the wrong so flounced because she didn't like what she was reading. Poor form.

I only hope that she's reflected on all of this and urges her H to buy his mother a card even it means she has to drag him to the bloody corner shop. I doubt it though.

Think about how you would feel if dd didnt get you a card you already said the days inportant to you.
Its clearly important to her for the poor woman to get your husbands father to send her a card for 40 years and only mention it to you when she didnt receive one the year after he passed from one mother to another!
Give me her address ill send her a card and flowers!

I have adult sons & would be very surprised to receive a card but they know I am not bothered. They are both home this weekend & that is enough for me.
I don't in anyway think it is the "women's job" to send the card for her partner (c'mon I went to an IWD breakfast this morning .) It is just the thought that you know she will be disappointed but are still unmoved!

The people suggesting you ought to do it for him OP when you've been clear that your own parents are dead and it would upset you are being pretty horrible themselves.

Blimey, give me her address and I'll get on moonpig.

Op, only thing I learnt about Mother's day was at school. But I made things at school and when I had my own money, I got things for my DM.

I assume your DH did go to school. Also he saw the mother's day cards that your FIL bought for her. So, the only conclusion is, he just doesnt care.

I think posters are being unduly harsh to this OP. She doesn't have to stay on the thread to be insulted, she owes you all nothing basically. Would you all stay on a thread where you're being torn to shreds? I don't think so.

Saying she's bordering on psychopathic is ridiculous. She's lost both her parents so Mother's Day isn't something she wants to deal with. She does remind her DH about it, it's unfair to have a go at her about not buying a card for him, why should she? It would be a nice gesture if she did, but it might be too triggering for her.

Her DH is the one in the wrong here, but it's hard for people to listen to criticisms of people they love, it puts them on the defensive.

I think it is a bit weird that the FIL bought cards on his adult DCs' part. It's left OP's DH with the idea that his DM isn't bothered, because he's obviously never bought one for her before.

It's sad, shows a real lack of communication within the family.

She's lost both her parents so Mother's Day isn't something she wants to deal with.

So have many of us. But she's happy to receive a card...

Tbh I find it quite insulting that because the OP has lost her parents she is unable to function when it comes to buying a mother’s day card for someone else but is absolutely fine to celebrate the day for herself.

I am sad I have no father on Father’s Day and my DH is sad he has no parents at all but we manage to walk past mothers/father’s day cards with weeping or throwing ourselves in the floor and wailing.

To suggest we are somehow unable to think of others even when we may find life difficult is incredibly insulting.

Poor mil...it's a card ...buy a stack at the shops and leave them for him to chose from..just buy blank ones if you can't face it