AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

I guess that, if you like getting a card at Mother’s Day, you’d rather your DD took after you rather than your husband’s preferred route when she’s old enough to go out and buy her card. Or not.

It's cruel of you to know that she is hurt by this and not mention it to your husband. What a mean thing to do! You shouldn't need to because he should be acting like an adult but for you to know and not do anything about it is just horrible.

I think he thinks she doesn't give a damn because she has never taught him that it matters

So tell him that she very much does give a damn and that he needs to get his lazy arse to the card shop first thing tomorrow.

Wait did I read it right that she bought her own card and instructed her grown up daughter to write in it? That's just ridiculous.

Poshindevon Yes, FIL biught the cards from DH and SIL right into their 40s. Now FIL is gone, no one buys them.

I DO mention it to him, he thinks MIL doesn't care because she has never said anything to him, she complains to ME.

Can you get DD to draw one for her?

Surely if he thinks she doesn't care, it would only take you saying to him 'she does care, she talks to me about how much she cares' to make him realise? It really does sound like he's being selfish.

I do mention it FFS! I'm not cruel lol!

KatharinaRosalie Yes, so she said. But whether she only told me that to try and emotionally blackmail me into sending a card pretending to be from DH or making him do it, I don't know.

If it is true, she probably bought the card and presented it to SIL to try and emotionally blackmail her in the first place.

So why won’t he buy his mum something for mother’s day if he can bring himself to buy your birthday and Christmas present?

I don’t understand.

I don't think you should get one for DH and I would continue to deflect her complaining and tell her to tell DH - but I would probably organise a 'nanny' card or similar from your dd.

I also think it says a lot about your DH that he thinks you are worth the effort but not the woman who brought him up. I would definitely be telling him to take some responsibility - MIL shouldn't have to tell her adult children that it's Mother's Day and she'd like a card!

Somehow this feels a bit deliberate on your dh's part. It's almost as if he's punishing his mother for - what exactly? - somehow not fulfilling a role he thinks she should. Perhaps he was perfectly happy with her continuing to act as his gift service and put out when you requested it stop. So while he now buys for others he certainly won't for her. Obv this is all speculation but I am getting this vibe from your post, tbh.

You're clearly feeling guilty, otherwise you wouldn't be asking us to confirm she 'brought it on herself'. It should be your dh feeling guilty, and very much so, but as that's seemingly not going to happen, it would be kind of you to organise a card. And, in the longer term, think about what kind of person your dh is.

I wonder how your DH and SIL will feel if their mother decides to leave everything she has to the local cats home? Frankly, it would serve them right!

GnotherGnu Fugitivefrombrusstice

He says "She's never bothered about MD before..." and that's because he's never bought her a card before and FIL wrote them from him and SIL I presume.

Perhaps FIL has brought this upon MIL, I don't know, but it would have been on MIL's say so.

(When we started buying our own gifts, FIL still used to ring us up and remind us it was MIL's birthday. There was no need but I presume previously to me being on the scene he would buy birthday cards to pretend were from DH and SIL also, dunno.)

I don't know why your loling your husbands mum is upset that her children one of which is your husband are inconsiderate arseholes and you and your husband are meh about it.

I actually feel for your mil, your husband sounds like a tossed.

Then it's about time that you told him that it does matter to her and obviously matters a great deal , I think you are being pretty heartless just not passing the message on , I get that you don't buy any because your parents have passed away , my parents are gone too so yes it's painful but I can still prompt my DP Who is run off his feet with work and might otherwise forget although I didn't need to , honestly it's really no big deal to just mention in passing that it's this Sunday,

I tell him
I prompt him
I have reminded him
I am not going to do it for him.

He thinks she doesn''t care about Mother's Day because she has never let on to him that she does. She complained to me last year. I told DH.

I don't understand why you don't spell it out to your dh in words of one syllable.

If he still doesn't get them message then I suggest you ensure that this your your dc do nothing at all for fathers day. He might then get the message...

Yes, its all his mothers fault your husband is a dick.

If she was a terrible Mom I could understand but it sounds like her worst "sins" are sending gifts on behalf of others and not asking her kids to do something themselves for her for Mother's day.

Since as adults neither seems like they can take responsibility to be bothered to send the woman who gave birth to them a freaking card.

Geez I grew up with a pretty selfish shit Mom tbh but because of what she sacrificed to prevent me from dying in childbirth, she gets a card and flowers every year except times when I could only afford a card.

I have spelled it out. I am certainly not going to punish my child by not allowing her to give a gift to her father because MIL lies about gifts.

Do you expect me to buy a card from SIL and send it also?!

LeighaJhh Ah but she didn't "not ask them to do something for MD". She got FIL to do it and pretend it was from them.

So he's a thoughtless shit but it's her fault. But of course.

Remind your DH. I know she’s a martyr. But you can help him to start giving a crap about his own mother.

My MIL buys presents for people and signs the cards from us, but she doesn’t tell us she’s done this, we actually thought DHs grandmother was losing her marbles because she kept thanking us for the lovely canvas and we didn’t know what she was talking about, but didn’t want to be rude so smiled and nodded and pulled MIL aside to say we were worried about her and that’s how we found out what she’d been up to.

However, despite her having always done this and organised cards etc in the past my DH knows he has to sort these things out himself now he no longer lives at home and set himself a moonpig account up so he never forgets.