AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

However, I don't get the big drama she is having over it really

What big drama? The OP said MIL hinted once. That is not a big drama.

I buy and send my ex MIL a card and flowers as I have no idea I’d my dick of an ex does anything. And the thought of her sitting on her own not getting as much as a card makes me sad. It’s not my job, I shouldn’t need to do it. But it is a kind thing to do!

GreatDuck

Ok. However, I think telling your DIL that you have got a mother's day card for yourself, and then made your daughter (OP's SIL) sign it, is somewhat dramatic. And slightly more than a hint. OP also says she has also complained to her. Again, to complain suggests more than a hint.

I also think many posters have made this very dramatic. Maybe it would have been more accurate to say that. But I still don't really get it: she has never had a mother's day card from her son. That didn't matter to her, as long as she got a card. So, actually, the sentiment behind the card doesn't seem to have been of much importance to her. I can, therefore, understand why OP's DH doesn't think a MD card from him would be of significant importance to his mum.

Thanks for the kind comments from posters below

Oh grobags I am so sorry to hear that for you.
I do understand the logic that DH should be buying the card as it is his mum.
What I don't understand is why you both seem to want to cause hurt to an elderly lady for the sake of a card.

Bet you won't say no when the inheritance is due when she is no longer around.

Very true.

Jesus Christ, you could have popped down to the shops and bought her a crappy card and posted it during the time you have been faffing about on here. Your DH is a grade A loser and TBH your behaviour towards your MIL is pretty rubbish too.

Men are generally crap at a few things and one of them is buying cards and presents. They usually don't have the thoughtful gene and need training.

I do not have a mother either and hate Mothers Day and I don't particularly like my MIL, nor do I think her mothering skills warrant a card, however, I've just shuffled my DH off to the shop to buy her a card and some flowers. It took me 10 seconds to tell him this. It didn't seriously impact on my life or spoil my day.

You both sound pretty selfish to me. Poor MIL. If I were her I'd cash in my house and go on cruises all year long and spend all my money. I wouldn't be leaving it to anyone who is as thoughtless as her son and DIL.

The OP and her H know that MIL would like a card.

One of them should buy her one - the H signs it and pops it round.

End of drama.

Your DH is a shit. How do you imagine he figured out you would like a mother's day gift? Someone must have pointed it out when dc was too young? Or he knows it is unacceptable not too.

SIL is also a shit. Doesn't make your dh behaviour any better.

MIL tells you as telling her son makes any card less thoughtful. Also getting no card probably reminds her that her dh is no longer around to do it.

The woman wants a card, it's not too much to ask. It's not your responsibility but I would be more annoyed at dh than her.

Imagine how you would feel if your dc couldn't care to buy you a card as adults so your dh does then he is gone so you get nothing.

Your husband is a dick.

And you are unkind.

Your DD will see that when she is an adult she will not have to bother sending you a card of gifts.

You can protest all you want but she will remember that even though Granny really wanted a card Daddy couldn’t be arsed to get one for her, and Mummy thought that’s fine. Good luck with expecting to get anything for your 70th.

And I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg. If you cannot look at the big picture, and show a little bit of kindness, your poor DD will have a lot more problems growing up.

Your misplaced sense of entitlement and refusal to do a tiny thing to avoid giving your MIL pain marks you as the kind of parent that others will not want to sit next to at the PTA.

You and your husband sound odd and cold. Order the woman some bloody flowers.

What I understand OP is how you have found a convoluted way to blame your MIL for your husband's selfish laziness. Not once have you criticised your DH for his treatment of his mother, Do you think your DH is being reasonable in not getting his mum a card?

This is so sad, your husband is already going to the damn shop buying a card. Tell him to just buy an extra one for his mum. FFS, job done.
In relation to the aibu, it's silly behaviour to keep buying 'fake' cards from adult kids but it's actually quite tear jerking too. Just buy the poor woman a card.

Yet at Christmas there was a shit load of threads about stressed wives present buying/card sending for in-laws and most people said "let your DH buy for his family" and why is card buying/sending always viewed as the woman's job in the relationship? so why can't op leave it to her dh to get his mother a card. He clearly knows it's mother's day and he is well aware that his dad isn't around any more to buy the cards and gifts so he needs to step up. You have reminded him,leave him to it.

So op, I think you are a little bit unreasonable to blame the mil (no matter how fucking bonkers the card/present situation was). Blame your husband as he needs to engage in life and step up with regards to his mother.

Op doesn't have to buy the card. She does have to tell dh that he needs very much to buy a card because she's the one that mil told.

I feel so sad for mil. She's widowed with two cold and unloving dc and a DiL who "hardly knows her" but clearly doesn't like her.in fact I might buy her a ruddy card.

Of course all of this is academic anyway because if he hasn't posted a card now she won't get it anyway.

So you won't deny your child the enjoyment of making/choosing a card for Father's Day but will deny them the enjoyment of making/choosing a card for their Granny on Mother's Day.

How many times does the OP have to say that she has already told her DH?

Due to their differing family backgrounds her DH believes the OP has misread his DM’s meaning behind her comment last year. And I don’t blame him, she has repeatedly demonstrated that she isn’t interested in having a genuine demonstration of love or appreciation from him, and was perfectly happy to leave him out of the whole business, why should he start now?

I agree with Banyan Tree.
It's the thought that counts.
Bloody hell you don't even have to leave the house now to send someone a card- moonpig etc.

I also agree about spending her money on cruising around the med.
My own mother can be a serious pain in the arse.
Yet I've still bought her a gift and card. I've also invited her round for lunch and to later cone along with my own adult dd when we go out.

How embarrassing would it be to ask your own children for a card for you?

I have told DH since the DC were tiny (in good time, about a week before Mother's Day) that I would like a card and some flowers please, and that I will feel sad if this does not happen. He then collects the cards they have made at school/nursery and sends them into the garden to collect a bunch of daffodils. I made it clear that this is what I was hoping for because I knew my DH and DC are not psychic. IMO this is how reasonable people behave. I don't find it embarrassing at all.

jeez. if your husband is older than 16 shame on him.
unless he actually hates his mum he should send a card. the fact that his sister is a dick too is no excuse.

if she mentioned anything this year I was going to say something like "I said to DH to send you a card but he says you don't bother with MD.

OP you're being really dense about this. It's your DH that doesn't bother, not your MIL. By having a card bought for her by your FIL all year years your MIL is signalling that IT DOES MATTER! Her adult children are choosing to ignore it and her. They don't deserve her and I hope she leaves everything to a donkey sanctuary.

@Galaxyfarfaraway; well said - bet there will be no "should I shouldn't I" when it comes to accepting the inheritence...

She's an elderly lady on her own, popping a card in your shopping trolley is not being a "martyr".

Poor woman, what horrible children she has that they won't buy her a card. Yes, she's facilitated their laziness over the years, but if your DH can grow up enough to get involved in present buying now, why can't he do this one thing? And really, are you so petty you won't tell him/remind him and will happily let his mum be upset like this?

She does have to tell dh that he needs very much to buy a card because she's the one that mil told.

The OP really shouldn't have to this so I don't understand why the OP is annoyed at the MIL and not her DH. I don't have to tell my DH to buy his mum a card because he is a decent human being. And it has nothing to do with considering whether his mum wants a card or not. Its mothers day, shes his mother, he sends a card - no need to parse her level of desire for one.

OP - why have you been so careful to lay the blame at your MIL's door that your DH is selfish and lazy?

she has repeatedly demonstrated that she isn’t interested in having a genuine demonstration of love or appreciation from him, and was perfectly happy to leave him out of the whole business, why should he start now?

What?