AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

OP, I’m entirely on your side in this. Your MIL buys presents and cards on behalf of her adult DC and makes passive-aggressive remarks to her DIL about Mothers Day cards? I’d have nothing to do with her.
If she can’t speak directly to her son, that’s her problem, and not for you to sort out.
My only issue would be to wonder how this PA controlling shit has affected your DH. You don’t grow up with that without some significant damage.

I don't think you should buy a card on your Dh's behalf. I do think your Dh is an adult and should not need any further explanation that he should send a card to his mother on Mother's Day but it seems that all his life he has taken no notice of Mother's Day, completely unaware that his father was taking care of it. This is highly unusual. Now he is aware of it because of dd I think he is selfish not to think his own mother might appreciate something. You say you have talked to him and he insists she doesn't want one. I suggest he is an ignorant arse or he has issues with his mother that means he does not wish to send her one.

? Cause she's upset about it already enough to mention it and buy a card for herself from the SIL? Would you not be embarrassed or upset for yourself?
They aren't even going to get it through their heads if she directly tells them anyway. By the sound of it they just shrug it off and think she isn't bothered. I genuinely don't think they contain an ounce of compassion or empathy in them.

I'm out. OP I hope your MIL has a great day like she deserves. I hope she goes out with her friends etc and doesn't just sit there sad and lonely cause no one bothered.
If she was a nasty piece of work I could understand.

MIL is a martyr

DH is a selfish knob

Leave them to it.

OK MIL has clearly made a mistake in not getting her children to put aside their pocket money from an early age to buy cards & presents for family & friends but to deprive her of a Mothers Day card really?
She is (I am assuming) an elderly lady who thought she was doing her best for her children. Do you & your DH really dislike her that much?

You won't give her a card, or just say to your DH stop being a dock. Buy her a card. Your dad did it on your behalf he is not here so you do it.
Bet you won't say no when the inheritance is due when she is no longer around.
You both are as disgusting and mean as each other. Hope your MIL leaves everything to the local Cat Sanctuary.

Ladywilllpower OP is not depriving an elderly lady of a Mother's DAy card. She is not OPs mother.

Her DP is depriving his mother of a Mother's Day card. And as a pp said, maybe he has his own reasons.

Either way, it is not for OP to interfere, or do the 'job' for him.

Would it be so awful for you to buy/make with your children a card - let’s call it a Granny’s Day card, do it while your husband is around so he can help and sign it however he wants. But it’s there on Monday saying she’s loved by at least her grandchildren. I do get the weird hypocrisy but it’s really important for this woman, a grandmother, your kid’s granny. Step up and away from the bits of your husband’s family you don’t feel went right and create your family and your own traditions. Kindly and directly.

She shouldn't have to ask for a card. That's really
not how it works.

Regardless of who bought cards in the past he should do it now. It's really not difficult.

Poor MIL

I don't want to buy one. I will ring her and tell her to tell her children if she wants them to buy one

What? Why would you even think about doing that OP? This has got to be the most contradictory threads I've even read. You say MIL hints to you that she'd like a card and then that you don't think she really wants one.

Why on earth did MIL buy presents and cards for her family for years from her dc if it isn't important to her?

Your H buys you cards etc on MD from your DD but not his own mum and all you've done is make excuses for him. You're both mean.

Just because she brought it on herself doesn't mean she doesn't deserve something, in fact she deserves more for the fact she's always thought of everyone and didn't make a fuss (as some crazy mil's would), when your dh said she had to stop the gift thing from you and him. Tell your family they all have to get her something and make everyone see her on mother's day. It's one day!

Argh you know what @thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself this thread has really annoyed me. Your DH is selfish and you are making a drama out of nothing . Buy her a card from you and DD at least. But frankly given she's a widow you could maybe just stop throwing a tantrum online and get DH to sign it.

I sent MIL flowers every year when DH was alive. He died age 35 and so I continue to send them even though it really fucking hurts NOT adding his name. And I will get nothing for Mother's Day as children are little and have no father to help them.

Grow up. Your poor MIL

He thinks she doesn''t care about Mother's Day because she has never let on to him that she does

Why does he still think she doesn't care when she's now made it clear she does?

Even if she has "brought it on herself" (and that's a really nasty way to look at it) then there is no need to continue to punish her for it. Just tell your dh to buy the damn card

I'm on the fence with this one. As it upsets MIL, it would be nice of your DH to buy her a card. I agree with OP though, I might remind him it was MD and I would say "your mum told me she was upset at not getting a MD card last year" but I would not be setting the precedent of buying it.

However, I don't get the big drama she is having over it really- she has never had a card from her son for Mother's Day because OP's DH did not buy or sign the cards, from what I can gather. It was FIL who bought and send MD cards. So she knows the cards were never from her son- and was apparantly ok with that as she has never complained to her son or to OP. Why, then, does it matter now? Very odd.

I can kind of see why OPs DH thinks she can't really be bothered by it, as she's never been upset by the fact that he hasn't sent MD cards in the past.

I think she's coming across as a bit of a martyr TBH. And if she's upset she should speak to her son and daughter about it, not her DIL.

Agree with this: If she can't have an adult conversation with him about this and say it hurts her (though not sure why it would given he never did it anyway), they're both as bad as each other.

I also think mother's day is a complete wheeze. I prefer to do nice things all year round not buy a card and present at over-inflated prices.

That said @thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself as a young widow I often miss being married but less so when I read threads like this and realise how petty everyone is to each other. So thanks for that.

@jacks11 she's a widow with a thoughtless son and a petulant DIL... she's entitled to be a bloody Marty

@grobags I'm so sorry :( how awful for you all but it's so lovely you still send them. That's kindness and love right there ♥
I know your little ones can't buy for you but I hope your day is amazing

grobags, that's such a lovely thing to do for your MIL, so selfless. I'm so sorry about your DH.

Op: AIBU?
Mn: yes!
OP; no I'm not because...
Mn: YES YOU ARE!
Op; no I'm not because..

Ad nauseum

Op, YABU. HTH.

True; DH SHOULD buy the card himself, but surely it is better you buy one than the poor woman doesn't receive one at all... I know its old fashioned but most of us are old enough remember the woman of the house invariably did the card buying and sending; as I said better that than no cards received and hurt feelings etc...

He thinks she doesn''t care about Mother's Day because she has never let on to him that she does.

But you have told him that she does, so the excuse no longer holds up. Sorry but neither of you cover yourselves in glory here, you for repeating his lame arse excuses and him for being a lame arse.

His parents were silly but that doesn’t excuse his stupidity, I’m sure there are lots of things his Parents didn’t specifically teach him but he’s learned and does them anyway. Your contempt for his Mother’s past behaviour doesn’t excuse his contemptable behaviour now.

the options are :
Stick a card and a bunch of flowers in your trolley when your in Asda, acknowledging your DH is a dick, and write the card.
Have a recently bereaved women disappointed and upset because she thinks her kids don’t care.

Is it your job? No. Is it enabling bad behaviour, yes.

But it is the kind thing to do.

Well said @Grobagsforever

I was just thinking how I'd give quite a lot to be able to send flowers to my own mum who has passed.

I always buy a Mother's Day card for my daughter to give to my ex husband's mother and he and I have been divorced since 2006.

I think some people need to stop making everything about them.