AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

@grobagsforever summed this up perfectly at 07:38. Sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely caring person. for you for mother’s day.

I think the FIL's role needs to acknowledged here to be honest. Instead of bringing his children up to appreciate their mother he has taken this simple ritual of giving and receiving between the children and their mum away from all of them.

I think you've had an unnecessarily hard ride here, OP, but if I were you I'd get him to the shop and make him get a card for his mum.

OP I agree with you.

This year I thought ooh DH might not get a chance to buy his DM a card, I'll pick one up.

I left the card shop crying.

Like OP I've lost my own DM. It is just too hard to read lovely messages in cards!

If DH doesn't buy one, then it's not your problem XX

Your dh is the jerk here what a mean thing to not do

Right. I didn’t realise that DD is MIL’s step grand daughter. You know what it’s all too convulted. Aargh - how to establish a reasonable relationship with the in laws. A good friend of mine suggested to me when I got married around the whole Christmas take it turn to do the mad dash/or have everyone over scenario - don’t set up a precedent. Doesn’t really apply here. Poor MIL, yep controlling and manipulative, but sounds keen to be loved. My nasty little brain would send a card as it sounds like I’d get the brownie points that MIL’s children can’t be arsed to earn.

OP, I totally agree you shouldn't buy a card for DH or send one pretending it's from him.
How about taking your kids to buy one for her, from your kids , and maybe from you as well, and leave him out of it?
I used to send mother's day cards to my nan and I know she appreciated it.
If MIL responds appreciatively then maybe your DH will believe this does mean something to her.
Potential cost of sending a card to MIL from grandkids : £2 or £3 including stamp.
Potential gain : making an old woman happy & allowing the kids to enjoy giving. Possibly also teaching DH a lesson.

OP, I do sympathise as I come from a family where my dad thinks all these things are just marketing gimmicks by card companies. My kids don't get birthday cards from my parents. However, the kids do know their grandparents love them and that's what matters. Some people refuse to perform the usual social ritual but that doesn't necessarily tell you what their relationship is like.
However, just to be on the safe side, why not send her that card from the kids?

Op

Since you are so bothered about this - well enough to write a thread why on earth don’t you send the poor woman a card?

It says a lot about you and your husband that you treat MiL this way

It isn't the OP's responsibility, no, but she could have spent the time she's used up moaning about her MIL on here in buying a card and making her DH sign it. It shouldn't be a big deal.

I've come to the conclusion after all OP that you and the two adult children just really dislike this MIL - no crime in that, there might be very good reasons but you could be more honest about it.

Just send a card from you.
eg "I know DH says your family doesn't do Mother's Day and you don't care about cards, but I wanted to send you one from me, as one mother to another. Love, OP"

DH says his mother doesn't bother about MD.
Nothing I can do.

You can tell him to grow up, stop being a lazy waste of space and insist he sorts something out for him mother, because it is plainly obvious she would love something and not even sending a card is down right unkind and you think less of him for it. Tell him it is more important he gets something for his actual mum that for his wife.

Or you can continue to blame his mum which is much easier than accepting your dh is an arse who chooses to purposely be unkind to his own mum on mothers day.

It's one thing to be right, but it's more important to be kind.

I'm a single parent, no close family left except DS. Didn't expect anything for Mother's Day last year, but came into work to a card on my desk from a co-worker saying 'you're doing a great job, your son is growing into a great young boy and loves you very much'. It meant absolutely everything to me. She didn't have to do it, could have completely ignored it because I'm not her mum, but she took a few minutes out of her day to make me feel good.

Be the bigger person OP.

This is clearly two separate issues.

The first is that your arsehole of a husband is an absolute wanker. He is an adult and can do his own life admin. His mum deserves better.

The second is a woman you know would like a card. You know this but won't do or say anything reasonable to make this happen. This isn't about wife work, and it's not now your problem. But the unkindness in your responses seem to shine through.

You seem really content to let an elderly woman miss out, for the sake of "being right" and nothing any of us say is going to change your mind.

Send me her address, I'll pop a card in the post. Fuck sake...

Why can’t your DH bloody buy his poor mother a card! Why would he not, when he knows it means a lot to her!

The cards mean something to the MIL, yes, but it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with her children. She has never cared whether he bought her a card before, just that she had a card

No Frekka, the OP's DH and the OP in turn have chosen to interpret it this way. My interpretation is that MIL is trying to convince herself that her children give a shit, which they don't.

Midnite your co-worker sounds lovely. What a beautiful thing to do. Little things like that from kind people are what makes this world a much better place.

Poor woman. I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum, I’ve lost my utterly wonderful dad but I still make sure my DH sorts his dad a Father’s Day card. It doesn’t hurt because nothing can change what happened to my dad, whoever else has theirs.

My AIBU was asking whether MIL brought this on herself, not whether my DH was a shit lol!

And yet, and yet, some of us, having read it, are wondering what the MIL has done that was sooo wrong, that her adult son cannot imagine that his mother, as well as his wife, might like a card on Mothering Sunday. Puzzlin' isn't it?

This year buy the bloody card and make him sign it.

Next year make him buy it.

Or, don't bother and just revel in the fact that you know she's hurt. (Would you have treated your mother like it?)

Happy Mothers' Day.

A PP said of the OP nothing more she can do except buy a card herself

I really cannot agree with this. OP could stop blaming her MiL for DH's failings. Or even, you know, consider that it might be worth nudging DH to send his mother card, because his wife wants him to. Because she want him to, you know, act like a a decent human being.

Or she could continue to blame MiL. Wonder which behaviour she would prefer in her DiL?

she does sound like a martyr poor me i had to ge tmy own cards so maybe he just seen this behaviour as her not being bothered as shes never said anything

but now her dh has gone she obviously feels left out now and didnt realise how much it affected her

maybe put it to him like that

Your DH sounds like a total wanker. Are you not shocked and ashamed of his behaviour?

Poor woman. Even if she gets a card by whatever means surely she'll be aware that there was no sentiment - that it was only sent as a duty.

I'd rather not receive a card than get one under those circumstances.

Do you’ve taken on the role of present buyer and your hubby tags along when you do this? 😏 Did you remind him to get your Mother’s Day card?

I’m sorry but I’ve lost my parents and grandparents and buying a card is not painful. I’m a grown up. I’m still able to buy birthday cards even if they fall on the same date as parents birthday!

My DM often buys presents for my DB to give her, or asks us to do it. I really don't get the point of that at all.