AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

I guess quite a few of us will spare OP's MiL a thought as we open our cards tomorrow!

When I did ask him, he said they never did MD but he thought FIL sent a card.

So he knows she got cards.

He has no excuse. He’s an unpleasant selfish lazy man. No it’s not your job to make him buy something but it would be kind. Isn’t kindness in short enough supply these days that a little care and thought wouldn’t go amiss.

Well the difference between you and the op thenavigator is that you're married to s decent human being. Op shouldn't have to mention it in an ideal world. But because her DH being an obtuse dick about it, she does.

My mother is dead too. It's hard to make someone else do the right thing by their mum.
However, man is horrible so must be a woman's fault. Probably his mother.
He needs to grow up.

I feel so sad for mil. She's widowed with two cold and unloving dc and a DiL who "hardly knows her" but clearly doesn't like her

Agreed.

She does have to tell dh that he needs very much to buy a card because she's the one that mil told.

She has - he won't

Nothing she can do

GreatDuck through her actions of sending and happily receiving cards ‘on behalf of’ others, she has shown that she is not at all interested in genuine communication of affection. She could easily buy herself cards from her children (indeed, already has) and what would be the difference from when FIL did it? It’s still not from her son, it’s still a meaningless bit of cardboard.

What is really weird is the fact that after MIL stopped buying presents for other relatives on her sons behalf, the H actually enjoyed choosing presents for Aunty Margaret and the like.

But after his dad died and obviously the M.D. cards stopped where on earth did he get the notion that MD meant nothing to his mum from? She’d been getting cards every year up to that point! 😖

Beez & little bear I agree. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.
I am unsure as to what the OP is trying to achieve here because I don't really think it is her DP sending his mum a Mothers Day card.

Frakka I think the cards do mean something to MIL. Otherwise she’d not go to the trouble of buying them for her daughter to sign or to mention it to her DIL. It’s very sad. I think she’d rather buy her own cards than gamble with the fact she’d likely not get any because her children are on the face of it very selfish.

The cards mean something to the MIL, yes, but it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with her children. She has never cared whether he bought her a card before, just that she had a card. It’s really weird that she was ok with that, and I can understand the OP’s DH’s reluctance to start playing that game now.

You DH is a deeply unpleasant man.

You are also a deeply unpleasant woman.

You are well suited and will eventually reap what you sow.

I cannot understand how difficult it is for you to say ‘ DH, your mother is very upset you don’t send a card, she has told me so herself. I would be very upset if our DC acted as you are towards your mother and MD. please buy her a card as I am finding it hard not to think less of you because of the deeply selfish way you are acting’

If he still refuses after you have said above then honestly it would be a massive problem for me as I just couldn’t imagine having a partner that was so deliberately unkind and lacking in empathy.

Buying a card for her dd to sign is really really weird. If she is capable of doing that without embarrassment then you’d think she could straight up ask them to get her a card.

It’s hardly playing games. Her husband can’t buy her the card now as he’s dead! That’s blatantly obvious or should be to her feckless pair of children.

Christ. BUY/ SEND flowers. Far more lovely and doesn’t involve any of this card bollocks that has gotten to you.
Doing SOMETHING for a recently widowed DM on MD is a nice thing to do. YABU as is you dH.

The game is the one FIL and MIL have been playing all along, where he buys and writes the cards as from the dc and she is happy to accept them on that basis.

The whole family sound hideous. Poor woman.

DD is not MIL's GD, in fact MIL has never met her for reasons of MIL's own which I will not put here. DD is not going to send her a card (or rather me send one and pretend it is from her). This is nothing to do with her and I doubt MIL would appreciate it.

Have the later posters who are calling me names actually read the thread?

I mentioned to DH a year ago what MIL had said.
I mentioned it again this year.
DH says his mother doesn't bother about MD.
Nothing I can do.

Am leaving this thread now as it has got ridiculous. People have made up things that I, DH, MIL, FIL and even DD have done. I have no idea where you have got your information. For instance:

"You won't get MIL's inheritance" What inheritance? Do people just send cards to get an inheritance?
"Poor MIL lives alone"? No she doesn't.

People are just making things up.

Aw how sad and humiliating for MIL. For 40 years only her husband could be bothered to buy her something. And l now, even after she dropped a hint to you, she still gets nothing. Does your husband really need her to come begging before he'll send her a bloody card? That is horrible.

Your DH is a pure twat. Why should his mother have to prompt him herself to give her some thought/show he cares (by getting her a card).

The fact is, he doesn't care. And she will hear that loud and clear when she gets another bag of nowt on Mother's Day. So sad. Shame on your DH

Ffs, your husband is a 'cunt', 'shit', 'total prick'... Whaaaaaaatt???!! People, it's just a Mother's day card! Not getting one, forgetting the day entirely, does not mean he doesn't give a shit about his mother! Dh won't have got one for his mum, or for me from dc, guaranteed! Because he is crap at things like that and not a fan of cards! Bloody hell

Unless he grew up in a country where Mother’s Day isn’t marked he will probably have grown up making a card or a craft in primary school so will have been aware. He’s no excuse other that the fact he can’t be arsed.

Your actions are not unreasonable. you have told Dh what you know and it's up to him. You seem to be critical of MIL instead of dh that is very unreasonable.

I am glad that you are leaving this thread OP!
Your replies are emotionless and zombie like!
I am glad that you are leaving, you weird, odd, person.
Have a nice life, NOT! LOL!

Agree HonkyWonkWoman - I don't think I've ever come across an OP so lacking in compassion. FFS, just buy a card, make the DH sign it and pop it in the post.

Also, OP would be wise to remember the old saying that you should judge a man by how he treats his mother because one day he'll treat you the same.

So in her case, it will be with utter disdain.