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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was dd being unreasonable not to give up best seat for old man?

391 replies

deno · 09/03/2018 18:53

DD1 is in her first year at uni in London, studying politics, and regularly attends talks given by politicians at different universities/lecture halls across London.

She was attending a talk by a Lib Dem MP at Queen Mary's - she'd been to the lecture theatre there before, so knew where the speaker would sit, and where in the lecture theatre she needed to sit to have the best view - the aisle seats on the left hand side of the centre block of seats. She got there very early, was the first in, and sat down in the nearest to the front aisle seat on that side of the room.

A few minutes later, an old man walks in, and looks like he wants to sit in the same row, so DD stands up to let him past her. But instead of walking past, he says to her, "Aren't you going to move up then?". She says that she wants the aisle seat, and he replies, "Well, I was hoping to sit there." She points out that she is happy to let him get past her into the same row, or the aisle seat in the row behind is available, but he starts insisting that his eyesight is too bad and sitting one foot further back will mean he won't be able to see.

At this point, DD sat down and just stopped talking to him. He huffed loudly and sat down in the row behind her, and then kept muttering to himself about how awful young people these days are, until the talk started.

Was DD being unreasonable not to give up the best seat to the old man?

OP posts:
BexConnor · 09/03/2018 19:26

Surprised at the posts saying OP's DD was rude. If someone came up to me in an empty hall and said "aren't you going to move up then?" I wouldn't get up either.

On the other hand, saying "Sorry to trouble you, but would you mind please if I sat in this seat - it would really help me to see/hear" is a different kettle of fish. Politeness is a two way street.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/03/2018 19:27

I wonder if he'd have asked a man to move...

steff13 · 09/03/2018 19:27

www.timetablingsupport.qmul.ac.uk/docs/roomplans/200638.pdf

Is this the room?

VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 19:28

He was rude with his ‘Aren't you going to move up then?‘
The fact he was elderly might mean he needs a seat at the end of the aisle or close by to see able to see.
In which case, he should have ensure he was there early enough to be able to grab THE seat he wanted (as clearly no other one could do)

He sounds very (Male) entitled.

MarthaArthur · 09/03/2018 19:28

He wasn't late..

deno · 09/03/2018 19:29

@steff13

DD says that that is the room, but that the desk at the front on the left isn't there - that's where the speaker and interviewer sit.

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 19:30

nocool nah, he wouldn’t.
I suspect that he would t have done that if the dd had been older too.

Therefore showing both a sexist attitude and an age discrimination.

deno · 09/03/2018 19:30

And she thinks the lectern is more central now.

OP posts:
steff13 · 09/03/2018 19:30

No it sounds like a normal inform verbal exchange. Most people dont speak like 1940s radio broadcasters in real life.

"Excuse me, would you mind if I sat here?" would be a normal verbal exchange to me, in this situation. Is that like a 1940s radio broadcaster?

Dungeondragon15 · 09/03/2018 19:31

dungeon my gran has poor eyesite due to glaucoma glasses dont correct it for her.

Having glaucoma doesn't automatically mean poor eye sight though if it is caught early. If there is vision loss it will be peripheral vision and sitting nearer won't help (I have similar vision problems). Really, if his eyesight was particularly bad, he should have contacted the venue to have a seat reserved. The fact he didn't suggests to me that he was just trying to pull a fast one. I doubt he would have said the same thing to an older adult.

hairycoo · 09/03/2018 19:31

I just think like use to be more respect for older people - I dont respect anyone purely on the basis of their age, what a strange and frankly ludicrous concept. I treat all people of any age with kindness, courtesy and respect on the assumption that is how they would treat me back. Of course, if it turns out they are CF, then Im not inclined to respect them just because they are old!

VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 19:31

He was too late to take THE ONE SEAT he wanted though....
If you want to be that particular, you also arrive WAY before anyone else....

WeAllHaveWings · 09/03/2018 19:31

You don't think saying "Aren't you going to move up then?" is rude?

If it was a young person yes it is rude, in an elderly gentleman I would forgive as ageing affects personality and he might not realise or be able to control it, it could be early dementia related, ds has seen this with his grandparents so he gives older people the benefit of the doubt and I would expect him to remain polite and respectful and help out if he could.

GreyGardens88 · 09/03/2018 19:31

Just an entitled old person, nothing to see here

RustyBear · 09/03/2018 19:33

If there was really only one foot between the back of your Dd's chair and the back of the one behind. The lecture hall probably doesn't conform to safety regulations.

ScattyCharly · 09/03/2018 19:34

I'm not sure why the elderly guy would benefit. Unlikely he's doing a politics degree, unlikely isn't it?

Also, it is extremely frustrating to go out of your way to make really good plans so you sort stuff out how you want it and for someone to rock up at the last minute and just reap all the benefits. Cheeky fuckery.

There is an elderly lady in my supermarket who goes up to the checkouts who gets into the back of the queue and says to her husband "oooh dear, we won't make it" with worried look at watch. Immediately, people in front say, would you like to go before me? I was the person that said that to her, she immediately went in front of me without so much as a thanks. Once she left, the cashier said to me, that couple have no where to be, they pull that stunt every time they come to the supermarket, all the staff know but it's an unsuspecting customer each time who lets them through. They play on their age to get what they want.

It is one thing to genuinely help and look out for elderly people in public. It's frustrating when people use their age to just trample everyone else though. I don't think your dd was in the wrong. He said "aren't you goign to move then" instead of "I am sorry to ask but my eyesight is failing and would you mind moving so that I will be able to see?" He soounds like someone used to just getting their own way.

Ginorchoc · 09/03/2018 19:35

Lib Dem surely they were the only two there anyway? 🤷‍♀️

PaddyF0dder · 09/03/2018 19:36

Nope seems fine.

There’s none more entitled than the boomer generation.

deno · 09/03/2018 19:36

@Ginorchoc

She claims that the room was about 2/3 full by the time the talk started!

But there were only a few other seats filled when he asked her to give him her seat.

OP posts:
Beansonapost · 09/03/2018 19:38

I bet he was a charmer in the younger days 🙄! He forgot he was probably young once... and probably benefitted and is used to getting things because he's a man!

You don't just move because somebody asks you to! I would have done the same as your DD!

The man was rude!

Cheby · 09/03/2018 19:38

DD WNBU. Sounds to me like an entitled man decided that a woman should put herself at a disadvantage for his own personal benefit. Bloody good on her for refusing to move.

fundraisingregulator · 09/03/2018 19:38

Wow, she sounds rude and entitled. Yes she was BU

deno · 09/03/2018 19:38

Also, it is extremely frustrating to go out of your way to make really good plans so you sort stuff out how you want it and for someone to rock up at the last minute and just reap all the benefits

That describes DD perfectly really - she always plans ahead for every event to maximise what she gets out of it, and she hates being taken for a mug!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 09/03/2018 19:38

I dont respect anyone purely on the basis of their age, what a strange and frankly ludicrous concept.

I find your attitude even more strange and frankly selfish, unkind and inconsiderate of an elderly person who's mental aging, not unlike a disability, could be impacting their social skills and they don't realise it.

I treat all people of any age with kindness, courtesy and respect on the assumption that is how they would treat me back.

What if they simply aren't capable of that anymore?

I really dread being old in the future if these attitudes towards our elderly people continue to deteriorate, which they will if people not only believe those statements above but also teach that to their dc. Remember you will all be old one day and not have the capability to realise what your are doing.....

Pengggwn · 09/03/2018 19:39

I'd definitely allow an elderly person the aisle seat. Likely they would find it harder than I would to clamber over people to get to the bathroom, more likely they would need it.

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