Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was dd being unreasonable not to give up best seat for old man?

391 replies

deno · 09/03/2018 18:53

DD1 is in her first year at uni in London, studying politics, and regularly attends talks given by politicians at different universities/lecture halls across London.

She was attending a talk by a Lib Dem MP at Queen Mary's - she'd been to the lecture theatre there before, so knew where the speaker would sit, and where in the lecture theatre she needed to sit to have the best view - the aisle seats on the left hand side of the centre block of seats. She got there very early, was the first in, and sat down in the nearest to the front aisle seat on that side of the room.

A few minutes later, an old man walks in, and looks like he wants to sit in the same row, so DD stands up to let him past her. But instead of walking past, he says to her, "Aren't you going to move up then?". She says that she wants the aisle seat, and he replies, "Well, I was hoping to sit there." She points out that she is happy to let him get past her into the same row, or the aisle seat in the row behind is available, but he starts insisting that his eyesight is too bad and sitting one foot further back will mean he won't be able to see.

At this point, DD sat down and just stopped talking to him. He huffed loudly and sat down in the row behind her, and then kept muttering to himself about how awful young people these days are, until the talk started.

Was DD being unreasonable not to give up the best seat to the old man?

OP posts:
StripySocksAndDocs · 10/03/2018 09:11

Do you mean you think the man is empowered or you are NataliaOsipova?

It isn't really that common a situation. Most people (male and female) hold doors out of politness for both men and women.

NataliaOsipova · 10/03/2018 09:15

StripySocks I meant I find it empowering. (That wasn't clear - sorry). They're asking for your attention when they do it in that overt way that you describe - and the choice is yours whether you give that to them or not. Just my take on it, though - and I do appreciate others may not feel the same about it.

Bluelady · 10/03/2018 09:20

Is this really still going? Turning it into a feminist issue is beyond belief. What would you all be saying if it was reversed? If a very young man had refused to give up his seat to an old lady?

StripySocksAndDocs · 10/03/2018 09:42

Bluelady:

It only started yesterday evening. Not eons ago.
Man can be interpret as expecting a woman to defer to him - well in the realms of being a femist issue.
We've already covered that: she would see as overtly entitled and rude by some. She'd have issues and special needs created by others.
See above. Same thing.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 10/03/2018 09:42

cynthia

You are completely right, life is too short

I tend to take the OP at face value and if they say what happened I believe it, and it sounds like it was more confused and huffy on both parts than outright rude

The 'bollocs'' bit was about the validation...aibu is full of stories where people post minor stuff

In my head...and ive only read your post so this might have changed...the OP thought 'interesting story...my dd is completely in the right but i wonder what they would say on mumsnet'

Sparkletastic · 10/03/2018 09:50

It's really good for women not to allow themselves to be pushed around by rude men, whatever the respective ages. I suspect if he'd asked politely and apologised for asking her to move she might well have felt differently.

MarkBorrigan · 10/03/2018 10:07

OP your DD was not being unreasonable in the slightest. There was absolutely no reason why she should move, and he was very very rude to sit behind her and complain and grumble about it. To those of you stating it's obvious that the DD was raised badly or it's what you'd expect from a politics student, you're making yourselves look ridiculous.

@BlueLady if you don't want the thread to continue maybe stop posting on it and posing further questions Hmm

catkind · 10/03/2018 10:18

The holding doors thing - I dislike it when people hold up the flow of traffic to do it and make you walk through their personal space to boot. If they're going the right way through the door to do it with grace and without getting in the way, it's fine and I do the same myself.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 10/03/2018 10:35

What would you all be saying if it was reversed? If a very young man had refused to give up his seat to an old lady?

That's not what this thread is about. We could "What if" forever and ever. Absolutely no point.

DeleteOrDecay · 10/03/2018 10:41

Your dd did nothing wrong and I'm really confused as to how she was rude. The man was the rude one. Why should op's dd move just because he fancies sitting there instead? It's ridiculous.

Bluelady · 10/03/2018 10:49

Nice one, Mummy. If you're going to quote someone, have the courtesy not to edit it.

PorkFlute · 10/03/2018 10:56

As for ‘why should she’ have moved. Well I’d have moved because if someone made that much fuss about a seat that was no better than the one behind they would likely have something going on - possibly dementia or at least elderly confusion. But then the ops dd seemed equally enamoured with the seat having got there early to secure it. The whole situation is just bizarre!

CallYourDadYoureInACult · 10/03/2018 11:33

Natalia that’s really interesting.

He did have an air of ‘this is my club and you oiks do not belong here.’

Funnily enough we go to the opera at the ROH a bit, maybe once a year when we can and never have had any trouble. I found the ballet audience a bit different to the opera one actually.

I cannot abide people who look down on other folk just trying to enjoy something wonderful.

BettyBaggins · 10/03/2018 11:35

Both have bad manners but I would hope my own daughter would rise above that and move.

SadieHH · 10/03/2018 11:42

Some of you must have been really shit at reading comprehension at school Hmm.

No she wasn’t BU. She made special arrangements to get there early, he wasn’t early enough. Tough shit. He should have sat in the seat directly behind her and had a slightly worse view. Not as if the only seat left was behind a big post. Why shouldn’t she stand her ground?

Ivymaud · 10/03/2018 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivymaud · 10/03/2018 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vicky1990 · 10/03/2018 11:54

I think age does bestow on our seniors some level of respect and consideration , we do not know the reason for him to ask to sit in that seat, but the mere fact that he did ask should be enough to grant him that curtasy.
It is a good thing to help and give assistance to a fellow human been and would have been at no great cost really to just move one seat.

CadyHeron · 10/03/2018 11:54

People don't get offended by it - they get offended by sexist men who do it because they want to make a show of how chivalrous they are. It's a patronising gesture not a polite one

I've never seen it as patronising; I think it's more about men wanting you to notice them. It's a peacock strut, in a way

FGS, this is what gives feminism a bad name. Not patronising, show off peacocky strutting "hey,look at me, ladeees" (kind of Austin Powers style, is that how you're imagining them?!)
It's called being polite. It must be emotionally exhausting to take offence and perceived slights at everything.

Hygge · 10/03/2018 11:59

No, she was not unreasonable.

I have hearing problems and if I can't book a particular seat I try to make sure I arrive early enough that I can get anywhere on the front row.

If I can't, I can't. I wouldn't demand that people move for me.

The front row helps because I turn my 'good ear' towards the speaker without having a row of other people muttering and coughing in front of me.

And a front row aisle seat is even better.

But I wouldn't have expected or even asked your DD to move for me if she was there first.

This thread is like that train passenger one where the man wanted the women to move to the window seat for him. She had reasons for not wanting to but was told she should have done as he asked. He walked off shouting if I remember rightly, but apparently it was her fault.

This man could have sat next to your DD and been able to see just as clearly in terms of eyesight, even if the speaker wasn't facing him as directly.

StripySocksAndDocs · 10/03/2018 12:09

Oh dear, CadyHeron; scarlet for you. 😳

CadyHeron · 10/03/2018 12:21

Scarlet for you, Stripey - you're making yourself look ridiculous. Was it me who thinks holding doors open are done by men strutting about peacock like to get the ladies attention, or that it's patronising the little women?
No.
It gets eye rolls from people whether you like the fact or not.

cushioncovers · 10/03/2018 12:33

No your daughter wasn't rude. The older man needs to get himself to Specsavers.

user1471596238 · 10/03/2018 12:51

nocoolnamesleft - he might have done, how will we ever know?

NataliaOsipova · 10/03/2018 12:57

CallYourDad I'd agree with you re the ballet audience. There's a hardcore group who go, if not every night, then multiple times in the run of any production. They'll go and see every cast. They book the cheap seats (for obvious reasons!) but can be unbelievably unpleasant and unwelcoming to anyone who doesn't know "the rules" (as they've written them).

It's a real shame because the ROH tries so hard to make it seem less "exclusive" and to get new audiences in. One encounter with one of these types could put someone off for life. I've actually written to them and made this point!