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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was dd being unreasonable not to give up best seat for old man?

391 replies

deno · 09/03/2018 18:53

DD1 is in her first year at uni in London, studying politics, and regularly attends talks given by politicians at different universities/lecture halls across London.

She was attending a talk by a Lib Dem MP at Queen Mary's - she'd been to the lecture theatre there before, so knew where the speaker would sit, and where in the lecture theatre she needed to sit to have the best view - the aisle seats on the left hand side of the centre block of seats. She got there very early, was the first in, and sat down in the nearest to the front aisle seat on that side of the room.

A few minutes later, an old man walks in, and looks like he wants to sit in the same row, so DD stands up to let him past her. But instead of walking past, he says to her, "Aren't you going to move up then?". She says that she wants the aisle seat, and he replies, "Well, I was hoping to sit there." She points out that she is happy to let him get past her into the same row, or the aisle seat in the row behind is available, but he starts insisting that his eyesight is too bad and sitting one foot further back will mean he won't be able to see.

At this point, DD sat down and just stopped talking to him. He huffed loudly and sat down in the row behind her, and then kept muttering to himself about how awful young people these days are, until the talk started.

Was DD being unreasonable not to give up the best seat to the old man?

OP posts:
slashlover · 09/03/2018 22:16

The man was rude. How did he not know that OPs DD had hidden mobility/eyesight problems?

NataliaOsipova · 09/03/2018 22:19

She has been probably brought up to be selfish and inconsiderate of other people.

I think that's a step too far - and a different point. It's the difference between standing up on the train for an elderly person who otherwise wouldn't have a seat and allowing an elderly person to swap seats with you just because they fancied sitting in yours. I'd argue that while the first is a basic courtesy, the second is an indulgence. And a purely optional point depending on how you felt about the situation. In the OP's scenario, her daughter had deliberately chosen that seat, so why should her preferences be sidelined?

flimflaminurjams · 09/03/2018 22:19

If his eyesight was so bad, he could have called ahead and reserved a suitable seat.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 09/03/2018 22:21

Stealth

It'll have to come down to months Sad

If it comes down to hours i may just give up

GnotherGnu · 09/03/2018 22:26

I find it difficult to believe that sitting a few inches further back or to the side makes that much difference in visual terms - and how much do you need to see at a political event anyway?

QueenDramaLlama · 09/03/2018 22:30

No she was not being unreasonable.
Good for her. The man sounds selfish.
His request wasn't even polite, it was entitled and rude.

PorkFlute · 09/03/2018 22:33

I think both of them sound about as as mature as a couple of toddlers squabbling over the best seat at the table. He should have sat in another seat without fussing but it really wouldn’t have been a great hardship for your dd to let him have the seat either other than a ‘why should I?’ attitude.
Not sure how the seat in front of another aisle seat can be so much better? Were the audience going to be reaching forward and trying to grab at the Lib Dem speaker in some kind of Beatlemania situation?

SecondaryConfusion · 09/03/2018 22:34

The man was rude, assuming she’d move up and not even bothering to ask nicely if he could have that seat.

I thinks she was appropriately assertive and well done to her.

tolerable · 09/03/2018 22:34

studying politics....in a nutshell.

cdtaylornats · 09/03/2018 22:36

It's like holding open a door, I don't do it because you are a women, I do it because I was taught to be polite.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2018 22:39

No the man was rude expecting her to move, when she was there first, especially if there are other seats.

CynthiaRothrock · 09/03/2018 22:39

No NONE of us know actually what went on, but if she has to come home and ask her mum if she was rude then she must feel she has done something wrong. (If she really felt she had made the right decision she should not need validation on the matter) Op stated in her first post dd ignored him after he stated his eye sight was bad.... ( very rude) and if he did say "i was hoping to sit there" then thats not rude IMO and takes away from the initial "are you going to move then" ( SLIGHTLY rude - i say slighlty as i have encountered REAL rude people this man, to me sounds sad.and grumpy) but she could of handled it so much better. Could she not of explained she got here early specifically for that seat ( bit ocd/ott for a lecture but thats not the point) you never know they could of chatted and he may of been a wealth of knowledge for her. My point is, it was a seat in a lecture hall. Regardless of where either of them sat down they will have still taken the same information away. Its not like it was a detailed lecture where the 'view' actually made a difference.
And the fact that people are just more and more horrid to each other every day over such trivial things. Both parties were in the wrong if the chain of events was as described. I just dont agree with the way the dd dealt with the situation.

QueenDramaLlama · 09/03/2018 22:40

He should have sat in another seat without fussing but it really wouldn’t have been a great hardship for your dd to let him have the seat either other than a ‘why should I?’ attitude
But why should she? There are plenty of people (you only have to look at AIBU) who live their life as a doormat because they don't know how to say no.
She didn't want to and that's a good enough reason. She got there early and waited for the seat.

deno · 09/03/2018 22:46

@CynthiaRothrock

She's not seeking validation - I was just asking her which talks she had been to so far this term, and she mentioned this incident.

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 09/03/2018 22:47

"Don't be a doormat OP. Stand up for yourself!".
A woman is vaguely assertive:
"How rude! How unkind! What a horrible society we've become!".

marylou1977 · 09/03/2018 22:47

Would it have made a big difference for him to take the seat behind her?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 09/03/2018 22:58

I missed where dd asked her mum was she rude

Sorry to be a pain cynthia but do you remember approximately where that was as i dont want to trawl back through...much too lazy

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 09/03/2018 22:58

Dont worry cynthia

deno confirmed

So she wasnt seeking validation...that's alright then

CynthiaRothrock · 09/03/2018 23:05

@deno If it is such a non-issue for her/you then why question it? The fact you have come on a forum and asked if she was rude speaks volumes. Yes the mans initial approch was wrong / inapropriate /slightly rude. But the fact that you yourself are questioning her actions on her forum shows one of you are seeking validation, or were you hoping to come on here and be praised for raising a strong confident woman in such a "mans" world. Like i said before threads like this are always split. But then again man/ woman /young/old im not that petty to throw a tantrum over a seat, especially not one thats not really of any benefit to myself - if it was a really detailed show where you need a good view (ie a science lecture/demonstration or a once in a life time concert) then she might of had a point but to me its kind of pathetic on both parts. I get its a dog eat dog world but try talking and being nice to other dogs once in a while, you may learn. Something from them.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 09/03/2018 23:11

Oh now youre just talking bollocks cynthia

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 09/03/2018 23:16

Which ironically is quite a rude thing for me to say

Sorry cynthia Wine

CynthiaRothrock · 09/03/2018 23:25

Aww thanks, nicest thing anyone has said to me all week. Wink What part may i ask do you find bollocks? If op/ dd didn't think they were in the wrong then why question the actions?

I have learnt a very harsh lesson in the last few weeks of how cruel life is in itself without other people being nasty/mean/rude . It has made me realise how pathetic and petty some people are over such trivial matters ( i have been too in the past). It was a bloody seat. Was it worth it? In my opinion No not really.

CynthiaRothrock · 09/03/2018 23:32

Also where does your definition of rude start? To me "aren't you going to move up then" its not necessarily rude just a a bit cheeky. If he had said "oi woman/child insert choice word of offence here move your arse" I would've of sided with the dd and told him to go fuck himself

Vicky1990 · 09/03/2018 23:36

I wonder what the comments would be if it was an old lady wanting that seat.

AmberNectarine · 09/03/2018 23:51

Ok - I'm severely myopic. I'm also 33. If I'd asked someone to move, would I be within my rights? If so, I've been missing a trick since I was 5!

If it were me, I'd have probably moved one row back, then enjoyed basking in the self-righteous glow of having done a good deed. If the small distance would have made no difference to the older gent, it follows it would have made no difference to me, so I'd have moved, most likely.

Last year (and the year before) I was lucky enough to get Strictly tickets and, being an all-or-nothing type, I queued from 2am to get front row seats. When we got into the studio and sat down, the people next to use were not the lady behind me in the queue, and her elderly mother, who had travelled down from Perth, but a woman with a broken ankle and her husband, who had been given priority without having to queue. Sometimes getting there first doesn't automatically mean you should take precedence. People with mobility issues get a tough enough deal generally, so if I can show a little kindness, I try to.

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