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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 09/03/2018 13:04

I am with your DH. He doesn’t want to end up sole taxi driver.

He’s not forcing you to get a driving license, he just doesn’t want to move somewhere without you being able to drive. I don’t think that is U.

Deshasafraisy · 09/03/2018 13:05

You will find life a lot easier if you can drive in the countryside. I think you should give it a shot.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 13:06

What not agree to put in for the theory at least? You may surprise yourself and it would allow so much freedom for you and your dc . He shouldn't be bullying you but it would make all your lives much easier and fun!

tealandteal · 09/03/2018 13:06

He would be very U to force you to get a licence but you could always book one lesson to see how you feel? You may find it does make things easier if you live rurally and if you ever want to change jobs it could open up other locations/opportunities.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 09/03/2018 13:06

I'm with your DH I'm afraid. Public transport in the countryside is shite.

IsDaveThere · 09/03/2018 13:07

Have you thought about how you would get the children to school and back? If you love rurally there may not be a regular bus service. What if your DH is unable to do the school run for whatever reason, how would you drop them off or pick them up? I can kinda see what he is saying, it is something that you need to consider before moving.

Alabama3 · 09/03/2018 13:07

i think you are doing yourself a disservice if you won't even try to be honest

i guess you're not moving to the countryside

Original poster
hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:07

Forgot to mention, I have tried getting a license (before meeting DH) but failed twice. Probably due to be being too nervous in the car and not being able to follow instructions.

OP posts:
ToffeeSauce · 09/03/2018 13:07

I agree with your DH. I’m the sole driver in our family and it’s shit. And we live in London. It would be much worse in the countryside.

19lottie82 · 09/03/2018 13:07

Sorry I’m with your DH here. Moving to a rural location and not being able to drive is just madness, escoecially if you have kids. Unless pure expecting him to do all the driving?

Get a provisional and book some lessons. There are instructors who specialise in nervous drivers.

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2018 13:08

From his perspective, you want to live somewhere isolated and you’re forcing him to solely be responsible for driving.

He’s not forcing you, he’s just refusing to live somewhere isolated until you can both drive. It seems reasonable.

You mention difficulties but you don’t know what effect they’ll have on driving as you’ve not tried. If you tell yourself it’s not possible though it’ll become a self fulfilling prophecy.

WhirlwindHugs · 09/03/2018 13:08

You will find that the countryside has much worse public transport than you are used to.

It's not unreasonable of your DH to say, that if you want to live really rurally (as opposed to say, a town with all shops, doctors, dentist, school in walking distance) you both need to be able to drive.

I live in a small town and couldn't drive until recently, it was still very difficult sometimes, actually living in the sticks would have been incredibly lonely and near impossible to manage without a drivers' license.

Huntinginthedark · 09/03/2018 13:08

How do you know how bad it will be unless you try it
And the countryside is a nightmare without a car. There are very few buses, unless you live in a village with a school and all amenities then you’re buggered
So either give it a go or scrap the countryside idea, which is basically what your DH is saying

Appuskidu · 09/03/2018 13:08

He is being utterly sensible; I agree with him 100%.

I wouldn’t consider a move to the countryside with a partner who refused to drive. Stay in the town.

19lottie82 · 09/03/2018 13:08

Try learning in an automatic if you think that will take some of the stress off?

Trinity66 · 09/03/2018 13:09

I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

I do see your husbands point, public transport in the countryside may be infrequent etc and I can see why he doesn't want to be the one with all the taxiing responsibility, but if what you said is true maybe you really shouldn't be driving. maybe you could compromise and make sure that whereever you move to is walking distance to a village/town and good public transport

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2018 13:09

Also - I live near the countryside. Where I live, there are very very few buses. You couldn’t rely on them at all.

SossidgeRoll · 09/03/2018 13:09

I'm the sole driver. It sucks big time. Driving isn't easy but lots of people do it and people succeed with a whole host of the issues you describe. Give it a go! you could surprise yourself - it's a challenge and challenge is good!

purits · 09/03/2018 13:09

YABU.
Give up on the idea of living in the country. It won't work if you have no transport.

implantsandaDyson · 09/03/2018 13:10

No he's saying that he doesn't want to move unless both of you can drive. I agree with him, I was a late driver, 2 children born, mid thirties and it took me 5 tries but I passed. That was 8 years ago, in those 8 years, we moved outside the main bus routes. There's no way I would have moved unless I had given driving a try. Driving has enabled me to change jobs and hours that suited us, I can pick up kids if they're sick from school, I was able to get them when the school closed early because of snow. There is so much running around when kids hit school from clubs to parties to sports matches, shows, different finishing times depending on the ages of the kids. Fwiw I was a very nervous learner but am and always was a confident driver.

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2018 13:11

Yeah you probably should learn to drive if you're moving somewhere rural. Public transport generally isn't very good

LiveLifeWithPassion · 09/03/2018 13:11

I agree with 19Lottie - learn and drive an automatic.

TheMerryWidow1 · 09/03/2018 13:11

to be really honest I would do it, it will give you so much freedom rather than relying on public transport which in the countryside isn't always that good, plus if you want to live near a train station this often makes house prices higher. I live in the country and after my partner died I thanked god I could drive otherwise I would have been stumped. Have a few lessons and see how you get on, you might surprise yourself, have plenty of practice its just about building up your confidence. Good luck

martellandginger · 09/03/2018 13:11

Maybe try? Some roads in the country have no where to walk on and a bus once an hour.? London it isn’t.

unluckycat · 09/03/2018 13:11

We moved from London, I couldn't drive, it's been pretty rubbish, even with us all enjoying cycling and there being buses. I'm about to sit my test and wish I had done it prior to moving, I can't wait, it will be such freedom.

I also get mixed up with my right and left, this only really felt like an issue at the start when you are told to go right or left and feel muddled, driving my own route I never get that sense of confusion, and there are ways around it when learning, other words that can be used etc