DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

ok so your update changes things a bit!

Totally agree with your DH, public transport in the country won't be as reliable as in a town/city at all and I wouldn't want to have sole responsibility for being the only driver either

He's being very sensible!!

It sounds like you don't want to move at all, OP. If he's the one pushing to move to the country, and is insisting that it won't happen unless you get a driving licence, and you don't want to get a driving licence, then ...job done. The move will never happen. You might want to have a talk with him about the future, though. He seems a wee bit overbearing, from what you've said.

OP, if you move and your DCs' school phones and says that little Johnny is ill, come and get him, either your DH is going to get him or you need better transport options to be able to travel. That much is practical.

If this is him shoehorning you into his dreams then be cautious. Try driving now, and don't move away from public transport until you know you have a back up, even if that means he goes to the country alone.

Do you thin kyou have a learning difference OP? If you do, and you would like to be tested to help put support strategies in place, that option is there. but don't be bullied into it.

Realistically rural services such as transport , post office, village schools, small shops are all under constant threat of closure. It would be unrealistic to expect to live without driving with small children. We live in a village along an A road and our bus service is max 4 per hour last bus at 8pm, supermarket, station and secondary schools more than 3 miles away, doctors and chemist 2 miles away. How would you be able to work and juggle childcare without bring dependant on your dh, what if you needed to take dc to gp or hospital appointments, let alone dentist or activities such as swimming. Logistics become trickier as children get older. Either try to drive again ( it might even be easier a few years on) or finally tell your dh you need to live in an urban environment.

It may be worth trying again, I had just over 100 lessons and failed 5 times before I passed my driving test. I was a very nervous learner and also have issues with automatically knowing my left and right so found manoeuvres challenging. But, I look on it as a positive experience. I had so much tuition and testing I actally became a good safe driver. In the past 15 years I've had no serious problems so it was all worthwhile. I'm not a natural driver and i choose not to drive round cities but I can get around including on motorways (which I find easier than city roads). I have a good satnav and check routes (Google maps is good so you can recognise streets) and I learnt basic car maintenance so I know my tyres are safe, oil levels are fine etc and bought a reliable car so i feel safe and in control of the situation as much as it's possible.

Once an hour would be very, very good! 3-4 times a day if you’re lucky, often not even that.

A village my aunty lived in had one bus out every day, and one bus back every other day

All these quaint villages with tonnes of public transport cant't be that remote, or far from a big city

Op, can I ask how you are at maths and the times tables? DS has dyscalculia and gas all the issues you describe, L/R, clock and time etc. Just wondered whether you could be a fellow dyscalculiac!

We moved from London to the suburbs. Public transport is awful, and we are near a major town so not totally rural.

I hate driving but I'd be stuck (quite literally) if I didn't drive. I love walking but when it's freezing and pouring down with rain and you need to get the children miles to school/doctors etc a car is needer.

Sorry but your H is a bully.
He thinks you have some sort of disability and needs tests BUT at the same time wants to force you to do something you are totally scared about to be able to live in the countryside which you do NOT want to do.....

It’s all about him and what he wants. And nothing about you and your needs.
Seeing how he is making you feel (useless) I would think wife about dong some test as I suspect he would be usingbthat against you.

At your place, I would stick to what you have said before. I’m happy to move AS LONG AS there are RELIABLE buses and/or I can cycle where I need to go (incl work).
Repeat ad nausea.

He has no right to force you to do something you are against/frightened of.

I wouldn't live rurally without my car.

Public transport here is appalling - buses stop before dark in winter, are often cancelled, don't run on bank holidays or Sundays - I couldn't get to work without my car, or to the shops.

You'll very quickly feel isolated without a car - what are you doing to do if your husband is at work and you need to get to the doctor, or take the kids to a party or activity and the buses aren't going that way?

Being the only driver is a lot of pressure - driving is tiring, expensive and can be stressful - it's not fair to dump all that on one person!

My DD has dyspraxia and yet passed first time in an automatic.

Once driving, in a way you don't need to know left from right, you just need to know where you are going.

In a driving test if you take a wrong turn, provided it is legal, they won't hold it against you. (Though I don't know how that works with the new bit now re being able to follow a sat nav).

I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

It's good that you've recognized that you would not make a competent driver and I don't think you should move to the countryside.

I live 1.5 miles from a medium sized town and not one bus comes past my house. I also live up a very steep hill so although walking, cycling etc is do able no way would I rely on it.

We had neighbours for a few years and the wife/mother didn’t drive. The kids ended up missing nursery as they couldn’t get there in bad weather, the DH had to go out at 9/10pm after a full days work to get milk etc as he worked in farming so no shops on the way home from work. He was always getting called by his wife to take the kids to clubs, doctors, dentists etc. I can imagine the strain on their relationship was pretty high and his boss was none too happy.

A lot of Country roads are unlit too so in the winter you’d be walking about a narrow dark road possibly without any pavements.

We only had one car for a bit and I felt so isolated when my DH had the car, I didn’t actually need to go anywhere but it was the feeling of knowing I couldn’t.

If you think you would be able to manage to get about by using a bus or cycling then you have no idea about living in the countryside.

We are really not that rural but have no bus service within walking distance and in our last house there was only 2 busses per day one out from the village and one back mid afternoon.

Have you thought about the dangers of cycling down an un lit single track road in complete darkness and have cars whizzing down the road in the opposite direction.

I can assure you having children on cycles is a damn site more dangerous than your driving

The most anxious socially disabled woman I know (she has completely debilitating anxiety and a host of undiagnosed mental and physical disorders ) is an absolute demon behind the wheel of a car ! A proper expert driver.

Go on OP . Your husband wants you to be all you can be. Expand your horizons!
You can do this ! The sense of achievement you feel will be incalculable.

In your OP you say you both want to move, in the update you say you don't.

Even if you stay in the city forever, I still think you should learn to drive. It really is a very basic life skill; people who don't drive almost always rely on other people to do it for them so they're not actually managing without cars.

I was the worst nervous driver at first, several failed tests. With experience I've become a lot more relaxed and confident.

Honestly I don't see how anyone with kids manages without a car (as in, someone driving one) unless they live in some tiny, completely self contained village in the land that time forgot.

You are extremely BU if you want to live in the countryside and are not prepared to drive a car. You are essentially telling your DH he's going to be the dedicated taxi driver. I'm not surprised he's pissed off. I'd be too.

I live in a quaint little village in the sticks and we have buses into town every ten minutes from 5am to midnight. I lived a quant little village in the sticks... 3 mile walk to the nearest bus stop, bus every 3 hours... to the wrong town, 7 am - 4pm. A 5 mile walk in the other direction, the right town, bus every 2 hours - 7 am - 7 pm.

So, as others have said, OP and her DH will have to look very carefully to find somewhere she can continue to cycle and walk... or she will become very isolated they will both be very frustrated.

OP... make up your mind, try an automatic or tell DH it is never happening... and then sort out how you live together from here on in!

I moved to the countryside with DP with no licence and 2 driving test failures under my belt. I kept trying to put off learning as I was really anxious about it, but it put strain on DP being the sole driver (and that was without any DC) and eventually he said I was being unfair on him to not even take lessons. I passed after a lot of lessons and a couple more tests, and it's made life hugely easier, especially now we have DC1. I hated every minute of the lessons and I still don't like driving but I am competent at it and do it because I need to.

OP I know it's not much fun but I think you should try some more lessons, you've got as far as doing your test before so you can't be that bad at driving. There are instructors that specialise in teaching nervous drivers.

I agree with your dh . It would be foolish to consider moving to a rural area if you are unable to drive . It might be ok when they’re young . However as kids grow , they will need lifts to school, play dates and activities not to mention birthday parties etc . It’s unfair to expect your dh to do all this and I guarantee that it would be impossible to manage with just public transport or cycling etc.
On another note , do you think it’s possible that you could have Dyspraxia ?

Given your latest update, perhaps you should post in relationships to get some perspectives from that angle? You could maybe give more detail on you and DH’s relationship

When we lived in London I rarely drive, and was on maternity leave for some of this. We moved out to the country and I didn't have a car for a week, I started to go crazy by the end not being able to get anywhere. Bus routes are getting cut and less frequent I would want to be reliant in them full time

If you work full time, how are you planning on getting there if and when you move to the middle of the countryside?

You can’t be that useless if you have a full time job.

I live in London zone4 and I would struggle without the car! We have transport, tube, overground and plenty of buses but it's the kids activities that we need the car for, one has to be one place the other has to be at another one. Having to rely on public transport would be a nightmare

We only have one car though and don't use it for going to work