Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
AlphaNumericalSequence · 11/03/2018 19:19

I'm the sole driver in our household an I bitterly resent my DH for never learning to drive.

As well as shouldering the burden of taxi-ing everyone around, there are so many non-driving tasks (supermarket shopping, car maintainence, car admin) that come down to me either entriely or more often than they should because of the knock-on effects of DH not driving.

Not driving meant that DH was semi-detatched from chunks of the children's life. He never became properly involved in things like scouts, sports, etc, never had to chip in as a volunteer for these activities, etc, never really came to understand whole areas of responsibility.

Unless there is a diagnosable condition that authentically makes driving a real impossibility it is just not fair to expect one partner, in a rural location, to shoulder the whole burden.

MrsF1 · 11/03/2018 19:45

Get some hypnotherapy and learn in an automatic. It'll take a lot of the pressure off. Either that, or resign yourself to staying in an urban environment!!

LemonysSnicket · 11/03/2018 20:37

Buses in rural areas are scarce and unreliable. I once had to wait two hours because the bus that was meant to take me to work drove straight past my stop and the two after it didn’t turn up at all.

Learn to drive, many people are scared at first and I’m shit with my R and L and clocks, I’m a pretty good driver now even if it took me a year and 3 tests.

All you can do is try - and it really is unreasonable to expect your partner to ferry you around all the time - it’s very very isolating not being able to drive in the CS.

Mammy2four · 11/03/2018 21:16

My brother is your husband fast forward 10 years his wife still isnt driving. Kids are walking in the rain they are stuck to local area when on school holidays as mum doesnt drive daddy is at work. Its a major gripe in their house. The kids are 8 and 14 now and constantly moan about it

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/03/2018 01:11

City ok, but not ideal, to have no license...pals son was knocked down and she couldn't get to him quickly... It was 2 miles away...
She had to hammer on neighbours' doors, she had never met, to reach her son...she and he,were inconsolable.... She arrived as the ambulance was leaving... (luckily he was OK...). Still she doesn't see her lack of license as an issue.

So what happens when you can't walk/can't get an uber/public transport ..??

Reality : in the country 'proper', (no local shop/no public transport) .... Impossible, unless of course you don't mind being isolated and totally dependent on others.??

As often (sole) driver it gets so bloody annoying, never drinking, always having to interrupt what we're doing to go out (in the rain) to drive someone home. Otherwise they're sleeping on your sofa...

Also what sort of message are you transmitting to girls?? That to women (mostly) that it's OK to choose whether they have a license..??

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/03/2018 01:37

PS just read your update....

Sorry OP think you have more issues than a specific learning difficulty...

Your husband is a bullying arse.... Yes I'm judging... Who seriously does this to their partner, who they presumably love??

So your husband's abusive behavior is the reason you don't want to be tested for the conditions that you could have help for??

He's some bully.

UnsuspectedItem · 12/03/2018 07:16

Exactly. Criticising someone for not being able to drive is like complaining that they won't run a marathon. Some can, some can't.

Except that running a marathon is done for pleasure/achievement. Driving a car is almost essential is some parts of the country.

And the % of people who genuinely medically couldn't run a marathon is a hell of a lot higher than those who genuinely can't drive

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 12/03/2018 09:19

Get an instructor experienced with dyslexic students, it makes a real difference.

But yeah, I'm with your husband,

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 12/03/2018 09:20

Ugh, I should have RTFT a bit better apparently.... Sorry

MelonKim · 12/03/2018 09:21

It’s a driving licence. Not drivers.

GladAllOver · 12/03/2018 09:46

Except that running a marathon is done for pleasure/achievement. Driving a car is almost essential is some parts of the country.
And the % of people who genuinely medically couldn't run a marathon is a hell of a lot higher than those who genuinely can't drive

Yes they are different circumstances. There always are with analogies.
But the fact is that criticising someone who has given up driving lessons because they did not feel competent, is victim blaming, whether by a husband or Mnetters. And forcing them to continue is potentially dangerous.
We've all met drivers who have passed the test but shouldn't be on the road.
My sympathy is entirely with the OP.

CantGetDecentNickname · 12/03/2018 11:01

Sounds more like dyspraxia (or Developmental coordination disorder) to me. Please consider getting it properly diagnosed. Please check out local driving schools and see if they have an instructor who would be encouraging and helpful- with the right help you may gain the confidence to have another go. It would be hard to be in a remote area without being able to drive and would place a strain on your relationship. Also (assuming you are right-handed) try to remember that you write with your right-hand! Good luck.

UnsuspectedItem · 12/03/2018 16:36

But the fact is that criticising someone who has given up driving lessons because they did not feel competent, is victim blaming Er... Its not victim blaming.

PoorYorick · 12/03/2018 21:42

But the fact is that criticising someone who has given up driving lessons because they did not feel competent, is victim blaming

Why are you a victim if you give up driving lessons?

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/03/2018 21:46

@Angelil Haven't read the whole thread yet but I am totally with your husband

You really should read the f*ing thread. Especially when it hints at a control issue in a relationship.

iTonya · 12/03/2018 21:55

I live in a quaint little village in the sticks and we have buses into town every ten minutes from 5am to midnight.

Wimbledon Village? Or Highgate Village?

AnachronisticCorpse · 12/03/2018 22:21

No, deepest darkest Sussex. I do appreciate it’s not the norm, but I was just pointing out that not everywhere in the countryside struggles with one bus a day. Most of the outlying villages here have excellent bus services.

Anyway, my point’s not really relevant now the thread has moved on.

GladAllOver · 12/03/2018 23:11

Why are you a victim if you give up driving lessons?

The OP tried and failed. She said she is frightened of driving. She deserves sympathy, not criticism.

PoorYorick · 13/03/2018 07:40

But why does giving up driving lessons make her a victim?

Dozer · 13/03/2018 08:55

Bollocks is learning to drive anything like marathon running. The proportion of people who are actually incapable of learning to drive is far, far smaller. If OP is one of those people, which is unlikely, then the move to the country plans should be off the table.

Of course he can’t force OP to continue lessons and his behaviour is poor, but he is not U to be angry with her for quitting the driving lessons.

Driving anxiety can be dealt with. I have achieved this after 15+ years of avoiding driving. OP does not have a diagnosis of dyspraxia or other things that could affect learning to drive. The instructor can make a difference.

GladAllOver · 13/03/2018 10:04

Well OP if you are still following this, I will support you if no one else does.
No one should be bullied into driving if they are not confident to do so.

Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 10:16

By all means get tested and get some support. For you.

Don't do it so you can move out to the countryside to please someone else, when it will necessitate you doing something you're afraid of and don't want to do. I agree with the consensus of the thread that living rurally without a car is not something you want to do, but you can avoid that state of affairs by staying in the city.

PoorYorick · 13/03/2018 17:41

No one should be bullied into driving if they are not confident to do so.

Does that include people being forced into driving because their partners refuse to learn?

Angelil · 13/03/2018 17:47

@AnathemaPulsifer I did subsequently and followed up very quickly (2 posts after my initial one as you will see). And everything I said still stands, with the added qualification that she should be doing it for herself, not her husband (see also the example of my gran in my original reply). There was really no need to be quite so rude when replying to me.

AnathemaPulsifer · 13/03/2018 18:40

@Angelil I see your follow-up now - apologies for missing it before - but since you didn't retract your comment I am totally with your husband it remains an extremely long post about yourself that didn't engage with the rest of the OP's comments about how her husband treats her.

Always best to RTFT before posting, but especially if you're wholeheartedly agreeing with one party mentioned in the OP. There is so often additional information that unfolds during the conversation. If you set MN to highlight to OP's posts it is easy to read at least those before posting strongly on one side or the other.