DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

One bus a WEEK to my village.

Don't move to North Yorkshire!

But I have discalculia and passed my test first time. It presents in many different ways.

There is no way you can survive in the country if you can't drive. Especially with children! I'm not sure they even have Uber in the countryside? You will be totally isolated and depressed. Imagine being stuck in a house down lanes in the dark of winter. It's a hazard.

Many people are nervous drivers, but just take in step-by-step and definitely get an automatic. You can't roll backwards or stall, so that's half the battle.

Are you worried you might be dyspraxic? Even if you are, it doesn't mean you can't drive. Give it a go or you'll never know!

It sounds like you've never lived rurally, has he?

Public transport is shit, taxis expensive (and in some places not many of them) and I'd LOVE to have seen anyone cycle in the snow we had here last week! Yes the snow was rare but it's frequently very wet, muddy and icy so not suitable for cycling to work/school to then sit in wet/muddy/cold clothes all day. Plus the roads are in a shocking state and there's rarely cycling lanes there's often just road and then grass or a ditch!

I live rurally and don't have a car due to meds it's murder!

There are instructors that specialise in learners with additional needs, you don't need a diagnosis or anything just find one that specialises in them and they will have techniques to help.

I have anxiety issues, they were undiagnosed when I was learning but k knew I was a "nervous" learner and eventually sought out an instructor that specialised in teaching nervous drivers. He was great!

You say you've tried twice before - were you much younger? Under 25? There are certain brain processes inc motor skills that don't fully develop until late 20's.

I passed 2nd time at 30. When I tried at a younger age I simply wasn't ready.

Would driving an automatic be an idea?

I must say too, not directly related to thread but I wonder if your desire to move to the "countryside" is somewhat romanticesed, unrealistic?

If you don't want to drive, you need to find somewhere to live that has very good public transport links. That rules out rural locations.

I live rurally, there are no regular daily bus services. The nearest small supermarket is 11 miles away.

If you want a rural life, you have to learn to drive or employ a chauffeur. Cycling or walking with children on narrow unlit lanes with no pavements is not a great option.

I agree with pp's, learn in an automatic and take the strain off your partner being the only driver.

You've always wanted to live in the countryside. Believe me you really don't want to live in the countryside dependent on only 1 person being able to drive. What about when the kids are ill and your DH isn't around. For your own sake, if you want to pursue this dream, give it another go. You might be surprised!

I have lived in a rural area for years, including when the DC were small.

If you want to move out of the town, you will have to drive. Even if you live in the middle of a village, the chances of finding one with a school, supermarket, doctors, children's activities and the like are very very slim. As your children get older you will be running them to school, play dates, scouts, sports, the library.....
Cycling sounds great, for when it's not raining or dark. Lanes are narrow, and very muddy. Friends and activities may well be miles away, let alone work!
Rural public transport is a joke, if you are lucky you might get one or two buses per day in and out of the local town and hardly ever an evening service.

I know this isn't what you want to hear.
Give the driving another go. Go for an automatic, ask about for an instructor who is good with nervous drivers. I passed my test the third time, it can be done.

I agreed with your husband initially but after your update - that it's him and not you who wants to move - i think he is U. He wants everything his way! I would stay put unless or until YOU are ready to drive.

I have to add, i think it would be good to learn, under your own steam (not because you are being bullied). Im quite dyspraxic - very poor coordination and balance, clumsy, struggle with left and right, can't multi task (ie found it very hard to concentrate on controlling the car and follow directions) but i learned and I'm so glad. I love the independence. It took me longer than usual but it's second nature now.

You are extremely BU if you want to live in the countryside and are not prepared to drive a car.
The problem is, it’s not the OP that wants to move to the countryside. It’s her DH!!!
The OP has been very realistic, wants to help her DH to move somewhere he would enjoy so has been saying yes TO HIS REQUEST on the understanding that it has to be somewhere with buses and/or easy to cycle.
Her H has no reason at all to be annoyed as he is the one who is driving/pushing for the move. Not the OP.

Actually would go as far as saying that the OP should stop being so accommodating and to defend her own needs. Her H might want to move to the countryside but it can’t come at a cost to the OP.

Maybe think about learning to drive in (and getting a license for) an automatic car? It does mean that you are limited in car choices, but at least you will be driving.

I live rurally. It’s lovely but would be a prison if I didn’t drive. Cycling on narrow country lanes where cars do 60mph isn’t a great experience either.

For school runs, though, surely your Council has to provide transport if they live over a certain distance away? Or is that just a Scottish thing?

at “I'm not sure they even have Uber in the countryside?”

Your h doesn't sound great. Forcing you to drive, making you feel useless for not being able to do things, forcing the move to the counbtryside (if you don't want to go). Why would you want to isolate yourself n the countryside with him?

Also, why not go and see the GP about the things you have difficulty with? Might help you to have a diagnosis and support.

It really depends on what you mean by countryside. I live in a village well serviced by public transport and our previous house was a very rural village but also had good links. I had to do a good bit of research into this before deciding where to live as I couldn't drive at the time and we always wanted to be a 1 car household. We do have a second car now but you really do have to do the research.

I wish people were reading at least all the OP posts before answering.....

If you don't even want to live in the country side surely it's a non-issue!

And after your last post, your husband sounds very unpleasant.

Oh and I drive automatic as I struggled with coordination of changing gears etc.

I'd be inclined to say that you shouldn't be moving to the countryside if you can't get yourself and your kids around without help - but it's him that's pushing this so YANBU in that respect.

I'm autistic and haven't passed my test yet because I struggle with sensory overload behind the wheel of a car. I hate not being able to drive, and my husband and I are now looking down the route of passing my test in an automatic, or at least doing some lessons in an auto so that we can see how I get on without having the gear changes to worry about.

If you do struggle with day to day life it could be worth speaking to your GP to see if there is an underlying cause. I don't know your relationship, so I don't know if your husband is being a dick to suggest it (or how he's suggesting it).

I won't drive, either. But then I wouldn't want to live somewhere that remote.

It's perfectly OK not to drive and not to own a car. Particularly if you are scared of the idea and struggle with things like left and right. So you can ignore all the petrolheads whining at you to just drive and buy a car.

Your H has a point about not wanting to be the only driver, so what I suggest is you look at it a different way. Why not just move to the suburbs? You get the absolute best of both worlds - adequate transport and green fields and woods. (We live in Surrey, and that's one of the reasons I moved here when I had DS). Or somewhere that does have fair public transport. If you can demonstrate to H that you will be able to manage travelling and school runs without simply relying on him to drive, then he should accept this.

Have you any idea about living in the countryside. Where we are now is not that rural. The bus stop is miles away.
Last village we lived in had only one bus in and one bus out.
And have you thought about cycling 5-10 miles just to get to a shop or expecting your dc cycle to and from school down narrow one track unlit country lanes. It is not unheard of drivers not being able to stop
I think cycling is very dangerous in the countryside.

Oops, just read your update. Don't move at all. This man is an abusive prick. He's quite probably bullying you about driving on purpose so you will be unable to learn, and he can continue bullying you about that. Also, it will make it easier for him to isolate you in a new place.

I think you need to re think your moving plans tbh. A car is pretty essential if you live in a remote area, not just for school either. Where we are it's five miles to the nearest place for a pint of milk.

Sorry I had missed your last post OP about it being your DH who wants to move. But in your original post you did say "DH and I have always wanted to move to the countryside" and that he now refuses to talk about moving until you learn to drive. So I'm confused. Don't learn to drive and you don't have to move. Obviously there are issues there if he is pushing to move and you don't want to learn but it doesn't sound like that from your OP. And you shouldn't feel bad if the move is now off the table due to you not learning. That's what you want isn't it?

I'm afraid I agree with your DH. You really need to drive if you are moving to the countryside. A car is essential.

Even if there was an amazing bus service now, it could stop tomorrow. Bus routes are getting pulled in rural areas all the time.

Was 'moving to the country' something of a pipe dream you talked about when you were first together? I wonder if you thought it wouldn't ever happen or that you'd suddenly feel more able to learn to drive after a couple of years?
If you suffer from anxiety around driving, it's obviously not going to go away overnight.

I live rurally and whilst DS can walk to the village school there are no bus services at all within walking distance. The nearest service runs from the main town 5 miles away.
Before we moved my DH promised that he would do more driving because it's obviously easier with less traffic on rural roads. He had passed his test and even bought an automatic to make life easier.
We have one car and I drive it 99.9% of the time, even when unwell. DH has only driven into the main town (5 miles away) a handful of times and even then, only as far as the first roundabout. He flatly refuses as he still hates driving.
I'm a bit pissed off as the move was his idea and I didn't want the responsibility of being the family taxi driver. Later, I will be driving DS to his swimming lesson, a journey of 10 miles each way as that's the nearest pool.

I'm currently suggesting my DH to consider some therapy to help with his driving phobia as I'm finding taking 100% responsibility for driving a bit much.

There was a thread on here a while back from a woman whose DH couldn't drive and they lived in the country. I said to her she was mad to even move there in the first place with someone who doesn't drive.

I'm not the usual MN 'driving is a life skill' brigade. I hate driving and don't much - never been on a motorway and rarely driven over 50mph. But because of this i wouldn't even consider moving to the countryside (no matter how idyllic it looks) - like DH would love to, because i refuse to drive everyday and it would put unfair pressure on DH.

You say you work full time too. How will you get to and from work? If you do move with you not driving and your husband does end up doing all school drop offs and pick ups, what will you do? You will be isolated and unable to leave the house unless driven. Surely that isn't the life you want? Doesn't sound like you can move if you don't drive so either get over the dream or learn to drive.