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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:28

Thanks for all the tips and advice. I don't really mind staying where we are now as there are loads of transport options, but DH keeps saying that we should move soon etc. It was never really my idea or passion to move out in the countryside but I have always told him, before we had kids, that if he really wanted to, I'd go with him as long as I could cycle to a shop or school. But at the same time I feel that I have always been honest about not wanting to drive ever, so this sudden presure from his side to get a license is very overwhelming. In other words staying in the city is fine with me, but he is very passionate about finding land to build on etc.

This is also a man who keeps telling me to get tests done as I clearly have some kind of learning disabillity as I struggle so much every day with simple tasks.. I feel so useless.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 09/03/2018 13:28

I agree with your DH. You will struggle living in the countryside with no car. You will be able to get nowhere. We live in the countryside and both drive. My DD2 was so stir crazy that she literally passed her driving licence within months of turning 17 so she could gain independence.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/03/2018 13:29

I sat my driving test with a large R drawn on my right hand. I passed and the instructor never commented on it. Since passing my test and certainly driving around at home, no one gives me directions as I know where I'm going so I don't think that's a reason.

However for mental health reasons I stopped driving after ds arrived and have just started to try and get back into the car and mind set. It is hard when you have anxiety issues I don't think anyone would deny that but my DF has just died and my DM can't drive. I don't want to be in her position, relying on others if anything happens to DH and that's been the catalyst for me (that plus DF wanted me to have his car to make sure I didn't end up like DM).

Logistically, depending on where you move to bikes/buses might just not be an option. For example we live in a lovely village between the sea and some cliffs. We have buses but not many, the local pre-school isn't in the village and my options are walk the mile and a bit whilst pregnant with ds, drop him off, walk back and then repeat at pick up time or drive. There are no buses which line up.

In a couple of years time when ds starts school and the bump is hopefully at pre-school, I will have five minutes between needing to drop one off at school in the village and then get to the next village to drop the second one off at pre-school. That's not doable without a car.

I would try and see how you get on.

Qvar · 09/03/2018 13:29

Ahhhh so it never was your wish to move, HE has decided it's time to move and wishes you to change who you are to accomodate this?

If you dpon't want to drive, don't. But also don't move.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2018 13:29

Everybody feels like they can't drive and would be a risk to other road users if they tried before they learn. I'm dyspraxic and honestly, my first few lessons I was convinced I'd never ever be able to drive at more than 15mph on anything other than a dead straight road with no other traffic or pedestrians. It was terrifying, I couldn't guage distance, panicked over my lefts and rights and didn't dare take one hand off the wheel to turn on my hazards or adjust the air con.

I now rally cars for fun, race on track and have since got my motorbike license as well.

Your OH is being sensible, I was in a similar position where I'd lived in London all my adult life and then when we moved rurally it became clear that using public transport just wasn't going to work, so I had to learn, reluctantly. You really can't live rurally and not be able to drive, even if you don't do it every day there will be times you will absolutely need to get somewhere fast and can't wait for a bus or taxi.

Automatic is definitely the way to go if you're very nervous.

coconuttella · 09/03/2018 13:30

Some roads in the country have no where to walk on and a bus once an hour.?

Confused Once an hour would be very, very good! 3-4 times a day if you’re lucky, often not even that.

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 09/03/2018 13:30

He's got a point.

The further away you get from amenities, the greater the need to drive.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 13:30

WTF lol

What's funny about that?

blackteasplease · 09/03/2018 13:30

He's not forcing you! He just doesn't want to live in the countryside if you don't drive. Completely sensible.

Spudlet · 09/03/2018 13:31

Your subsequent post makes your husband sound like a fairly unpleasant person, to be honest. Is he always like this?

He may find 'buying land to build on' trickier than he thinks anyway - it's not like you can just buy any old field and slap a house on it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/03/2018 13:31

but he is very passionate about finding land to build on etc.

Grin He won't find much of that in the countryside - planning permission is a nightmare.

AnachronisticCorpse · 09/03/2018 13:31

I live in a quaint little village in the sticks and we have buses into town every ten minutes from 5am to midnight.

I don’t drive and I get on just fine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2018 13:32

You’ll be doing your children a massive disservice to live in the countryside with no licence and car. Country lanes aren’t what they used to be even when I was a child.

What about when they are older and want to go to sports clubs/ dancing/ swimming lessons/ Cubs etc? My dd is very sporty and active. She does loads of activities. Or just popping out for the essentials.

I’m totally with your dh.

katmarie · 09/03/2018 13:32

I agree with your husband that being the sole driver in a part of the country where public transport is poor would be a lot of responsibility. It would also leave you very isolated. It's worth thinking about that as well, if your husband is not available for whatever reason, not only can you not make the essential journeys but you can't pop out to see friends or family, and they won't want to come to you all the while. It will also isolate your kids as well, they will inevitably have to decline invitations because they can't get to and from places.

I don't think you should learn to drive if you really don't feel capable. But at the same time I do think that moving out to the country would be impractical without you being able to drive. I took my test five times, and it took me three years to learn to drive. I genuinely believed I wasn't capable. But I've been driving for ten years now, and not had any major problems so far. I'm proof that it can be done, but you do have to be committed to learning, if you don't want to learn, it will be a lot lot harder. I think the choice is yours, learn and move out to the country, don't learn and stay near to decent public transport.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2018 13:32

OP, you sound like you might also have some level of dyspraxia. It often goes undiagnosed in mild to moderate cases. It's nothing to be ashamed of and your OH sounds like a bit of an ass for telling you you needs tests for learning disability Flowers

stoplickingthetelly · 09/03/2018 13:32

To be honest I really do think you need to be able to drive if you live rurally. I think you're underestimating the amount of responsibility and extra work you will be putting on your dh if you do move and you can't drive. If you really are against learning to drive then it probably would be better if you didn't move.

DianaT1969 · 09/03/2018 13:32

My nephew has similar coordination issues and was tested and diagnosed with dyspraxia. His parents were told he may never be able to drive.
I completely understand why you wouldn't want to drive.
If you do decide to try, definitely have an automatic. Much less effort needed.

Littlefish · 09/03/2018 13:33

You need to either learn to drive, or shelve the plan to live in the country.

There are many, many roads around where I live that are simply not suitable to cycle on with children, and don't have either lighting or pavements.

Your dh is being sensible. If you really feel that you can't learn to drive, then you should stop considering this move to the country.

purits · 09/03/2018 13:33

Opening post: DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.
Update: It was never really my idea or passion to move out in the countryside

Hmm
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/03/2018 13:34

I'm with your DH I'm afraid. I am also married to someone who was a non-driver. It was only a minor annoyance while we were living in London but once we moved to Dublin (the suburbs, so not even to the countryside) it was a MASSIVE pain in the neck.

It limited where we could live to places that were easy access to light rail/tram, and most public transport in Dublin goes to and from the city centre, and very little goes 'sideways' so really he was only able to get himself to and from work and anywhere else he had to be chauffeured.

Anywhere that the DC went (parties, play dates, sports/clubs etc) I had to take them. He used to say things like "I'll take the DC swimming and give you a break." Which meant me driving them 12 mins to swimming, 12 mins home again, then about 15 mins 'break' before driving back to pick them up.

He did learn to drive in the end, I had gone a long way down the road of divorcing him and he really, really didn't want to get divorced (he improved in a lot of areas, it wasn't just the lack of driving that made me want to be on my own). It made a huge difference to his happiness and ability to do things both by himself and with the DC. I don't think he fully realised how different things would be after learning, he had always maintained that he was coping perfectly well and there was no need for him to drive before that.

I'm not saying that you should learn to drive OP, but I think your DH is probably right that it's best to stay in a place where not driving doesn't limit you if you don't want to learn.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 09/03/2018 13:34

You really do need to weigh up the practicalities of living rurally before moving - sounds like you have rose tinted glassed on.

This will affect your teen children too if they can't socialise etc

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2018 13:34

Cross post. He doesn’t sound very nice to make you feel useless. Fgs don’t go and live in the countryside with no means of transport and isolate yourself.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 09/03/2018 13:34

I think you should really consider whether it's a good idea to move to the country if you don't have a licence. You shouldn't be forced to get one, but your DH shouldnt be left with the burden of doing all of the driving either.

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 13:34

I have tried getting a license (before meeting DH) but failed twice.

Forget the plans of moving to the countryside then. I totally understand where your DH is coming from - being a non-driver might be manageable in the city where there's good public transport and faciltiies within walking distance, impossible in a country village with two buses a day, if you're lucky.

Having two drivers in the family is bad enough when kids need to be ferried here there and everywhere, being the only driver and it being your responsibility ALL of the time would be dreadful.

TalkinPeace · 09/03/2018 13:34

I live in a quaint little village in the sticks and we have buses into town every ten minutes from 5am to midnight.
Not in England then ....

Rural bus services have been absolutely trashed under austerity.
Many villages have less than one a day