DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

What if your husband was ill, broke a leg or worse!

This has to be one of those threads where everyone agrees with your DH!

We're out in the sticks with a bus every two hours. The service stops entirely at 7pm and it's very unreliable.
I honestly think living in the countryside you need to drive or you could end up quite isolated. As your children grow older there will be all manner of clubs and activities that you will need to travel to and been out in the countryside, these things tend not to be on your doorstep.

I agree with your dh.

I didn't drive until dc#3 was here.

We have a bus service here that's y every 30 minutes and not totally reliable. That's probably still better than you'll have out in the country.

Meant that if there was anything that we had to be on time for, or anywhere buses didn't go etc... Dh had to drive. He did the weekly shop on Saturday afternoon, took the dc to swimming at 8am on Saturdays etc. I couldn't.

I was terrified for the first about 2 years. Now I've been driving over 8 years and don't know how I'd have managed without it. The children would have missed out. I would have missed out. And as a family we would have missed out because necessary things had to happen on Saturdays.

I do see your husbands point, public transport in the countryside may be infrequent etc and I can see why he doesn't want to be the one with all the taxiing responsibility, but if what you said is true maybe you really shouldn't be driving. maybe you could compromise and make sure that whereever you move to is walking distance to a village/town and good public transport

Exactly. Strange thread everyone agreeing with the DH that she shold just put herself and kids at risk

Op, I would consider lessons, you may find once you get comfortable it becomes second nature. If it doesn't no harm done. However I wouldn't risk a serious rural location if I couldn't drive either.

I live rurally, there is a bus that takes the kids to school which is great but apart from that i can get the community bus on a Tuesday into the local larger village and come back 2 hours later, that's it. I couldn't live here if I couldn't drive and would definitely resent it if my OH couldn't as it would be me doing all the shopping, play dates, activities etc. Obviously rural means different things to different people and you may be fine in a large village with amenities and good bus links but out here you couldn't do it.

You shouldn't have to learn to drive if you don't want to. But if you don't, I think you'll have to give up the idea of living in the country. How would you manage school runs, work, shopping, social activities? What if your dh was unable to drive due to illness or injury?

I don't drive, so I'm not one someone who thinks you can't possibly be a proper functioning adult if you can't drive. I manage perfectly well on public transport. But I would never contemplate living anywhere that doesn't have regular, frequent bus and train services, and everything I need on a daily basis within walking distance.

It boils down to a) getting a driving license or b) abandoning plans to live in a more rural area. I'm joining those agreeing with your husband; it's a sensible move.

I read it as he's not forcing you to get a license BUT he isn't agreeing to move really unless you have one.

That seems sensible to me. Rural living when you can't drive is hugely isolating. I live in the London suburbs (zone 5). A bus stops outside my house. I am a 10 min walk from other bus routes and the station (which is a 20 min journey to central London). Theres a small supermarket by the station and larger ones 20 mins walk way or a short bus ride. LlThere are loads of local taxi firms and Uber. Living here and being able to drive isn't essential. In the countryside, even if you live in a rural town, you are likely to have significantly less public transport options. Those that exist are often costly and can be unreliable. I wouldn't consider a move to a rural area without a car.

I think you are doing yourself a disservice by not giving driving a go. I say this as someone who passed their test 2 years ago aged 44. I had 3 tests at 17/18 and decided I couldn't drive. 3 years ago with encouragement from my OH, I decided to give it another go, failed 2 more tests and passed the 3. So 6 in total. It doesn't matter how long it takes or how many tests, just give It a try. Go automatic if you find that easier but start with manual first. For me driving in my 40s was actually a lot easier than at 17. Instructor helps too, the one I had in my teens was awful.

One of my few regrets in life is that I didn't learn to drive 20 years ago.

I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions

How comfortable would you be on a ruondabout with this person?

Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head.

Sounds like you might have Dyscalculia

Moving to the countryside, which was a great place to raise our family, was the sole reason I learned to drive.
It’s rather impractical to consider moving to the sticks and be fully reliant on DH or worse still public transport.
You will be doing yourself no favours in isolating yourself and driving is a great life skill to have. If you’d rather not drive, I’d seriously recommend you rethink where you want to live.

I’ve lived rurally and the lanes are too dangerous to cycle on & the bus ran twice a day. In a village 5 miles from a big town.

You didn’t see anyone cycling for transport it was all men trying out their new racing bikes.

YABU if you think you can have the same lifestyle in the countryside as you do in a large town/city without a car.

However, every village is different and some will have decent public transport (by which I mean maybe a couple of buses an hour - nothing compared to a city), so its something to look into.
I grew up in a small village and the county council also provided free transport to under-16s if their school was more than 3 miles away, so this is also something to remember as you may not be having to do the school run every day.

My partner can't drive for medical reasons and I don't want to be an unpaid taxi driver, so I've shelved my dream of proper remote rural living for now and instead we live right on the edge of a very small city. I can look out of my window at fields and go for a long muddy walk straight from our front door, but we also have usable public transport and are within easy walking distance of schools and a supermarket. Could you live with this sort of compromise?

My parents live in the countryside, on a bus route. Bus comes twice a week.

I don't drive and I agree with your DH. It's not that you have to drive, but that you can ditch any idea of moving to the countryside if you can't.

If you're going to live in a city with good public transport and no parking then being a driver isn't entirely necessary (or at least owning a car isn't necessary). If you're going to be living in a rural location with crappy public transport and schools that are a long way from your home you need to be able to drive.

You will be trapped in your supposedly idyllic home if you can't and it will become a prison. If you genuinely can't learn to drive, then you shouldn't be moving to somewhere where it will be essential.

I agree you shouldn't move to a rural area if you can't drive and don't want to learn. You will be incredibly isolated and dependent.

If learning to drive isn't for you and you can get around capably by public transport in town then that's fine - no need to learn to drive. Don't move to the country side though, stay where not driving is a practical option.

Nope, we live rurally and I do cycle to lots of places, but I still need to drive a lot. And that's even with living within a mile of a village with a shop, GP, pub and cafe. We went down to one car when we had one in the garage for a few days last summer, and it was very limiting.

If you really can't manage driving, you are really going to struggle with country life. Perhaps a small market town would be better? The one I used to live in had supermarkets, shops, primary and secondary schools and a train to the nearest city, but still felt very rural - nice footpaths and walks straight into the country, a little river, etc. If you could live on the outskirts of somewhere like that, it could work as a compromise.

I would never have even considered dating someone who couldn’t drive

WTF lol

Your husband might not be phrasing it well but public transport in the countryside is very poor/non-existent. I live 15 mins by car from the nearest town in which to buy milk/food etc, there are no pavements to walk on, and a journey to town by bike would involve 5 miles of back road (fine) and then an appalling 3 miles down a very busy, single carriageway main road with fast moving lorries etc whizzing past. I coundn't live where I do without a car - and I am not deemed to be particularly rural! Oh - and I took 5 attempts to pass mine: find the right instructor and the right test centre (that makes a big difference!) and you may find it less nervewracking.. Also know people who took beta-blockers...

I don't have a license and have never needed one because I've always lived in towns and cities. But on this in totally with your husband - if you're living ruraly in the countryside then you really do need s licence, it's just not possible otherwise.

I feel your pain - I passed my test years ago but never got over my fears, and when it came to doing it alone, i was a complete wreck. Never drove since.

Automatic is always suggested to me. And I wouldnt but our circumstances mean we never really need me to, it would be a luxury more than anything.

I would give automatic a go, at least you can say you tried.

You're being completely unrealistic

He shouldn't be able to force you to do anything that distresses you, and he's an arse if he persists when you keep on saying no.

However, if you are moving to the countryside, you do need to have a transport plan. If you've found houses which are on reliable bus routes, or which have safe cycle paths into town, or which are within walking distance of the schools, shops, etc, then I don't see the problem.

If you are planning to live halfway up a mountain with a bus service that runs only every other Tuesday, then both you and your DH are being U!

I'm remembering the thread where a pregnant woman got torn apart for saying she wanted her DP to try and get his license in time to drive her to the hospital when she was in labour. She was very unreasonable to suggest he do something he didn't want to do. Hmm.