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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Help yourself"

210 replies

SheNumpty · 08/03/2018 15:09

I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable here. My MIL looks after DD one day a week, sometimes more depending on circumstances. She's not particularly well off, and when she comes round I tell her to help herself to anything she wants, snacks, drinks etc. as she was coming round with her own bread for toast and things like that in a bag each time.

She finally stopped bringing her own bread after I'd insisted for weeks on end that she's welcome to use as much of our bread as she likes and cab help herself to what she likes.

Anyway, I came home from work yesterday to find she's eaten half the chocolates I had for valentines day. Yes I know I'm unreasonable to still have some left in March. Thing is, they weren't even open. She opened them. AIBU, or do you just not do that? I wouldn't even take chocolate from an open box, it was obvious they were mine, and for Valentines.

I'm so puzzled by the transition from bringing your own bread, to save using slices of ours, to tucking into an unopened box of someone's chocolates.

So AIBU? I told her to help herself but would you guys take that as literally ANYTHING you find? DH thought it was hilarious, I think he should buy me a new box of chocs.

OP posts:
Chienrouge · 08/03/2018 15:26

Why is everyone assuming the childcare is free? OP says she pays for it.
This is something my mum would do, Id just laugh about it as one of her quirks!

strawberrysparkle · 08/03/2018 15:27

I'm with you, help yourself means make a cup of tea or have a kit Kat however if I was at my mums I like to think twice about raising a box of chocolates so maybe it works the other way around?

livefornaps · 08/03/2018 15:27

Ah well, she clearly had a bit of a self-control failure! You know the type where you think "only one, no harm done?" and the next thing you know your eyes glaze over and you're mechanically gobbelerizing several at once....she probably only came round minutes later to the shame of empty foil wrappers scattered everywhere in her wake.

Okaynowimconfused · 08/03/2018 15:29

I'd let it go and hide future boxes but I do find that very rude.

Storminateapot · 08/03/2018 15:29

I keep chocolate in the fridge, I hate room temperature chocolate. I'd also probably have some left from Valentines Day had I been given any.

I would be irritated if someone else opened them and ate half, it does seem cheeky although obviously the 'help yourself' is open to interpretation I suppose, I'd probably just laugh & think 'cheeky mare'. Maybe buy myself some more if I'd really fancied them or she'd eaten my favourites.

Original poster
SheNumpty · 08/03/2018 15:30

To be fair, now some of you mention it, after a day of watching Peter Rabbit with a rampaging two year old, perhaps I should be stocking up with specific MIL treats for her. I'll ask her what she likes and make sure we have some in for her.

Just watch my husband eat those before she gets a look in.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/03/2018 15:32

You have been persistently pushing her to helpful herself to anything she wants (your words), so she does and you're pissed off?

YABU!!!

Eliza9917 · 08/03/2018 15:33

SheNumpty Thu 08-Mar-18 15:09:26

when she comes round I tell her to help herself to anything she wants, snacks, drinks etc.

YABU. If you said anything, then she will think she can have anything in your cupboards.

Where is FIL? Maybe no one buys her chocolates anymore and if she isn't well off she doesn't buy treats. Maybe she just intended to have 1 or 2 but ended up eating half the box. Let her off, you have a DH to buy you another box.

Storminateapot · 08/03/2018 15:33

Actually that's a great idea, if she's a bit of a choc monster keep treats in for her.

alleypalley · 08/03/2018 15:35

I would never dream of opening a box of chocs in someone else's house never mind a box that are clearly a gift.

I wonder would all those saying YABU be cheeky enough to open a box of chocs in someone else's house themselves?

Original poster
SheNumpty · 08/03/2018 15:36

As I said, not pissed off, just looking to see if other people's interpretation of what I said would extend to unopened boxes of chocolates that's all. No intentions of saying anything to her. She'd be mortified and end up bringing bottles of her own air to breathe next time.

I'm going to get her some of her favourite things in.

FIL is sadly no longer with us.

OP posts:
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 15:37

I would never help myself to something that looked "special", opened or unopened.

Some people however have a problem with food. Maybe she couldn't help herself.

Elle8989 · 08/03/2018 15:37

All the ppl saying you get childcare. Op is obviously grateful. But it is weird. Who eats someone's valentines chocs. (On another note it's also weird for me to just leave them uneaten.)

Original poster
SheNumpty · 08/03/2018 15:38

@alleypalley that's exactly what I'm asking. I would never, so I wondered if that was just me or if others would consider anything fair game. I'd literally only use what was already opened (unless it was milk for tea or something ordinary like that).

OP posts:
mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 15:39

Oh yes and DH has to buy you another box.

Lovemusic33 · 08/03/2018 15:39

I would find it a bit weird to be honest. Yes she’s giving you free child care but if I was told to ‘help myself to anything’ I wouldn’t assume I could tuck into someone else’s chocolates, they were obviously your valentines gift. Fine if she wants a sandwich and a cup of tea but to munch away on half a box of chocolates?

Springtrolls · 08/03/2018 15:40

She might have thought because they were still uneaten and unopened you weren't going to eat them. So she saw them as fair game under the help yourself rule.

Eliza9917 · 08/03/2018 15:41

SheNumpty Thu 08-Mar-18 15:24:25

I never said I begrudge her the chocolate, as I said, just wondering if other people would deem an unopened box of chocolates fair game.

No, they are not, I wouldn't open an unopened box of chocs without asking. I would if they were a tub like celebrations etc. And I'm talking about in my mums house, not a friends house. I wouldn't there.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 08/03/2018 15:41

DH once ate DD's box of Thorntons. THE WHOLE BOX! Apparently, he thought they were left over from Christmas. She had to have one of DS2's ice creams for pudding that night, and DH had to pay me back £9. 😠

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 08/03/2018 15:41

No, I certainly wouldn't take 'help yourself' to mean an unopened box of chocolates! But it's good that she's feeling more comfortable. Just hide the stuff you actually want to eat yourself.

GnotherGnu · 08/03/2018 15:41

I would think it odd. There's a difference between, say, taking one chocolate for a box that's been opened and left lying around and deliberately unwrapping an unopened box that was obviously a present and eating half of it.

melj1213 · 08/03/2018 15:43

I'd never open anything that wasn't already open

YANBU, this is always how "Help yourself" has been defined in my family/friend circle and it's usually clear what is a communal item and what is personal. Communal items are fair game and personal ones are not. So help yourself to one from the multipack of mars bars in the cupboard but not the box of unopened Milk Tray that are on the shelf next to the birthday card.

Firstly you only take a reasonable amount if something is open but you don't open a new package of something without checking it's ok, first and try not to use the last of something if there isn't more in the cupboard. So if I say help yourself to a drink I mean grab a can of coke, glass of juice/milk/water, cup of tea/coffee not open the bottle of champagne in the back of the fridge. Help yourself to toast means make a couple of slices not eat all the bread in the house etc

Everyone is getting very hyperbolic about "you're getting free childcare so let your mum have your chocolates!" But what if it was something really expensive? Or the mum had made themselves a whole roast dinner? Or she took something that didn't belong to the OP (I went away with a friend recently and we went halves on a good deal at an expensive independent chocolate shop. It was only when we got back that we remembered the boxes were all packed in my case so we agreed I'd keep hold of her stuff until the following week when we were meeting up .... If someone had come round and opened her stuff it would have been difficult and expensive to replace and I'd be pissed off)

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 08/03/2018 15:44

When I say "help yourself to anything" I'm not surprised if anything is gone when I get back. In reality I mean "not the stilton because I need that for a recipe and the apples are for the boys lunchboxes. Oh and leave half the raisins and DS only likes the prawn cocktail. crisps..." but I want people to feel welcome so I say "anything".

If I found chocolates gone I'd just be annoyed I hadn't hid them first if I wanted them.

StealthPolarBear · 08/03/2018 15:44

Can people not read?
The op is NOT pissed off and has stated so regularly

Oysterbabe · 08/03/2018 15:44

That is an odd thing to do.
Maybe buy some chocolates or chocolate biscuits and leave them out for her in future.