Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School and baby AIBU

234 replies

schoolproblem12341 · 07/03/2018 20:56

Hello everyone! Need a bit of advice, not sure if IABU so want to check what other people think before I potentionally put a complaint in at school. Have name changed.

So DC is in reception, quite a sensitive child. They are putting a show on for the reception parents in under two weeks and have only informed us today that younger siblings can not attend. I have a newborn and have informed the school that especially at this short notice there is nothing I can do, DH can't get more time off of work after just being off with the baby when they were first born especially with only under two weeks notice. My DC will be absolutely devastated if I'm the only parent missing, everyone else's parents are coming and I literally don't know what to do. The office have said they will check with the music teacher as that is who it's upto and who decided no younger children can attend but I have a huge feeling it will be a no. I've said the baby can come in a sling so theres no bulky pram and I've told them its actually nap time so the baby will be asleep anyway and that if they wake i will take them out straight away. What are people's thoughts? Thanks

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/03/2018 09:57

Lonicera. No, it’s not clear at all. She (understandably) assumed she could take the baby and is still hoping the school will change their mind. She obviously doesn’t have an easy default, such as her own Mum, but that doesn’t mean that if she stops to think that it’s only an hour, is there anyone I trust to look after the baby so I can be there for DC1, then she might think of someone, even though they’re not a natural default. There’s very rarely absolutely no one you can ask, so sometimes you have to decide whether your elder DC’s needs outweigh your social awkwardness at asking for a favour when you’d rather not.

Other school mums, school staff, neighbours, baby group friends, someone from running group/knitting etc we are surrounded by people who are not abusers just waiting to get their hands on a baby. Sometimes you just need to think and ask.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/03/2018 10:04

Hive additional needs certainly limits your options a lot, especially if they’re on oxygen, with feeding tubes etc. I’ve looked after other people’s very ill children and it’s a huge responsibility and often very difficult for parents to trust someone to do it. We really need to support parents in your position so much more than we do 💐

RubyRoseViolet · 08/03/2018 10:15

A middle ground is surely the best solution. I'm a teacher in early years and Year 2. At my school we have a dress rehearsal which we encourage parents to bring younger siblings to. They are certainly not banned from any of the performances but they are told very politely before the show that if any of the little ones become distracted or very noisy that it is fairer to the performers and the other parents if they take them out. They all seem really happy with this. It seems respectful to everybody concerned to me.

I fully understand that this isn't the RSC but the children have probably worked really hard on their performance and many of them may be feeling nervous. If their one line is missed because of a toddler screaming it is so upsetting for them and for their parents. If you were a parent in our school OP we would welcome you without a doubt but we'd ask you to sit at the edge so that you could nip out if the baby started crying. I hope the school come to a similarly reasonable arrangement and that you can see your DD in her performance.

CatchIt · 08/03/2018 10:15

Our school has this policy for some school plays etc.

When my dd was in reception, ds was still a baby and they had no objections to me bringing him in. I fed him (was bfing) and he slept, he did wake during the clapping but went back to sleep quickly.

I was very lucky that he was such an easy baby. It's harder now dd is in yr1 but I do find my dad will look after him now as he's just too busy to bring and would ruin it!

Take the baby, feed him and get him to sleep or keep him in a sling, if he starts crying, you'll have to take him out. It is very annoying when a performance is ruined by unruly siblings.

Lizzie48 · 08/03/2018 10:17

I think that's true, @AnnieAnoniMouse a lot of people don't like asking for help. I suspect it's also because the baby is newborn and she doesn't want anyone else to look after him/her (has this been stated?) as yet.

DrEustaciaBenson · 08/03/2018 10:23

it’s a reception age performance not the West End

For the reception children in the performance, it's the equivalent of the West End. It's probably the first public performance they've done. They'll have spent a lot of time rehearsing. The ones with speaking parts will have worked on remembering and saying their lines. Some of them will be nervous. Some of them might have needed a lot of gentle encouragement just to get up on the stage at all.

But because they're 4/5 year olds, not well paid professionals, they're not entitled to have an audience that treats them with respect and consideration. Because it's only a reception age performance.

EllieMe · 08/03/2018 10:43

it’s a reception age performance not the West End

Such lack of respect for small children. Shameful.

Headofthehive55 · 08/03/2018 11:26

Absolutely annie
My friends child was badly affected with epilepsy and other issues. He was badly brain damaged. We were at a school that refused to have him in school which would have enabled his older brother to live as a normal child, you know, attend plays and such. There are children for whom it's not easy to get childcare - and I think it's important to support families in these circumstances. After all, no one is immune from having a disabled baby.

Headofthehive55 · 08/03/2018 11:39

The lady in question needed o keep the baby and his twin brother in their pram with attached medical equipment. The headteacher refused as she didn't want younger siblings to watch the play. She watched the concert through the window. None of us enjoyed the concert. IT was at the expense if someone whose life had effectively been trashed being excluded. There but by the grace of God go I.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 08/03/2018 12:21

Such lack of respect for small children. Shameful.

😂🤣😂🤣😂😭😂🤣😂🤣

halcyondays · 08/03/2018 12:26

yanbu, our school has never banned younger siblings from school events and it's never caused any problems.

OutyMcOutface · 08/03/2018 12:30

YABU. Even the suggestion that you will be the only parent missing is a bit silly.

Applesandpears23 · 08/03/2018 12:33

I would take your baby in a sling and not mention it. Newborns can’t be left at home if you are breastfeeding and even if you are not it is still ridiculous to expect you to leave a newbprn.

ChaosNeverRains · 08/03/2018 12:37

There’s nothing more annoying than someone else’s screaming baby disrupting any kind of performance, and the reality is that even if the school e.g. laid on a crèche they wouldn’t likely take the newborns, this is just one of those occasions where having other factors at play means you can’t go.

After all, parents who work, parents who have other commitments may not be able to go either this is just one such situation.

RedSkyAtNight · 08/03/2018 12:44

Slightly OT, but I am laughing at OP thinking that "just under 2 weeks notice for a performance we've known about for ages" is short notice. IME (and based on other threads on MN) we'd be lucky to get a week's notice for the show itself! Suspect she may be in for a rude awakening as the years go by (unless her school is amazing at communication of course).

That said, I refuse to believe that the OP cannot find one single other parent at her school that does not have a Reception child and could stand with the baby out in the school entrance hall, so that OP can literally pop in and out for the (what - 15 minutes?) performance bit (not bothering with head teachers' introduction and general notices that always accompany these affairs).
She may not like to ask, but if you don't have local family (I don't either, I sympathise - I've had to swallow my dislike of asking for favours and talking to people in general) then really it's vital to start building up some sort of a support network at school. This will not be the first time that OP finds herself needing to be in 2 places at the same time.

widgetbeana · 08/03/2018 12:50

As both a parent and a teacher. Babies and younger siblings are not allowed to performances at any schools I have ever worked at.

The children doing the performances have worked very hard to get themselves ready and are often nervous. So having a baby or small child making noise often drowns out their one and only line or moment of glory.

I know you say you will leave if baby cries, but those 30 secs it takes to cry , stand and then leave can ruin a child's one moment.
In short this performance is for their benefit, not yours so you cannot bring your baby.

The headteacher at my dds school is vigilant about this and there is a lot f love for her because if it. If people try to bring you her siblings they are turned away, so no child is left I heard.

However we are allowed to bring siblings to dress rehearsals, is it possible to ask if you can do this?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 08/03/2018 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lookingforaline18 · 08/03/2018 13:44

Our school allows babies and toddlers but just asks parents to go outside if they start making loads of noise. I think that is the right way to go about it.

ferrier · 08/03/2018 14:12

I refuse to believe that the OP cannot find one single other parent at her school that does not have a Reception child and could stand with the baby out in the school entrance hall, so that OP can literally pop in and out for the (what - 15 minutes?) performance bit

No - I wouldn't ask or leave my baby with a stranger which is what a parent from another year group is likely to be.
The performances at our primary school were about 45-60 minutes usually.

And no imagreyhound, I'm not taking the piss, nor am I socially retarded- to use your wonderfully illuminating language Hmm

Lavenderdays · 08/03/2018 14:29

Yes, and I was one of these children whose mother didn't attend school performances/assemblies etc. and I still remember it to this day, that's why I have always made an effort to attend my dd's performances. I don't really care that I have to leave after a short while if my younger dd played up...I was there and that counted and showed dd1 that she mattered to me. DD1 has now started secondary school so it is less of an issue now but I did manage to arrange childcare for her leavers service because I realised how sentimental this would be to some parents (and faced the awkwardness of asking someone).
This sounds like utter madness...of course there will be distractions (hopefully to be avoided, I understand that so that a child can have its moment of glory) but this doesn't sound good either..."my mum couldn't come because she couldn't bring my younger brother/sister," does not send out a very good message either does it.
It feels discriminative to be excluded from such events because your life circumstances don't permit you to easily access childcare and being a sahm, arranging one off childcare is a real issue.
I did everything I could to distract my younger dd, toys, snacks, you name it and it felt horrendous when others could just sit back and relax. I have had to plough through school sports days and all sorts of things in the same way (dd2 wouldn't sit still for very long at sports day) but no matter, dd1 knew I was there...somewhere. It was made particularly hard because my eldest dd was in Year 2 before her sister came along...so there were very few parents who had younger dc's at these events, which only added to my discomfort. I did all the right things - I extracted dd quickly etc. as well as the distraction techniques and was left feeling like a second class citizen but I was determined not to let my elder dd down also. You have my sympathies x

HolyShet · 08/03/2018 14:59

At our school if you've a little one in tow you sit/stand at the back near the exit and whisk them out at the first sign of a whinge.

But our school views younger siblings as part of the school's community, for which I am grateful

minipie · 08/03/2018 15:29

I was also a child whose mother (and father) didn't attend many school performances. Mostly as she did a demanding and not very flexible job.

It didn't cause me great upset. I'm sure I would have preferred her to be there but I also understood that it simply wasn't possible rather than taking it as meaning I wasn't important.

I do worry a bit about a child who at age 5 can't understand that sometimes her mum just can't be there. I mean what if the OP was ill for example? Would the child refuse to go on stage?

Headofthehive55 · 08/03/2018 16:20

Ive been that mum several times red. Not knowing a single soul for miles. Have moved frequently. It takes time to build up trust. And it's not like you can leave a BF newborn with anyone. Mine wouldn't take expressed. At all.
I think it's poor parenting to leave your child with a random person.

RedSkyAtNight · 08/03/2018 16:26

I was thinking of the arrangement at DC's infants where if you sat at the back you could see out into the entrance hall - so you could see someone sitting there with your baby the whole time. Of course I don't know OP's school layout, but it's quite possible that there is somewhere that someone can stand with the baby that allows her to keep watch in a similar way (lots of people in the thread mention watching school shows through windows, for example).

Original poster
schoolproblem12341 · 08/03/2018 16:39

I am so utterly happy to report that I received a call from the music teacher who assured me that as the baby is so small it would be fine for me to bring them especially as I explained I am breastfeeding and they are currently refusing a bottle and she also mentioned it was mainly a space issue because they can't accommodate prams in there and they've had parents ignore that in the past. I assured that I would be using my wrap and expressed my gratitude at them being understanding. Thank you to everyone that responded whether or not they agreed with me for being upset, to anyone who's children's performances have been ruined in the past by smaller siblings I promise I will be out the door if the baby so much as stirs as I wouldn't want to cause anyone to be upset.

OP posts: