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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School and baby AIBU

234 replies

schoolproblem12341 · 07/03/2018 20:56

Hello everyone! Need a bit of advice, not sure if IABU so want to check what other people think before I potentionally put a complaint in at school. Have name changed.

So DC is in reception, quite a sensitive child. They are putting a show on for the reception parents in under two weeks and have only informed us today that younger siblings can not attend. I have a newborn and have informed the school that especially at this short notice there is nothing I can do, DH can't get more time off of work after just being off with the baby when they were first born especially with only under two weeks notice. My DC will be absolutely devastated if I'm the only parent missing, everyone else's parents are coming and I literally don't know what to do. The office have said they will check with the music teacher as that is who it's upto and who decided no younger children can attend but I have a huge feeling it will be a no. I've said the baby can come in a sling so theres no bulky pram and I've told them its actually nap time so the baby will be asleep anyway and that if they wake i will take them out straight away. What are people's thoughts? Thanks

OP posts:
Ubercornsdiscoball · 07/03/2018 22:10

Don’t just turn up. The decision has been made for a reason. Respect that

LoniceraJaponica · 07/03/2018 22:13

When DD was at primary school they always allowed parents of children with younger siblings to see the dress rehearsal.

beela · 07/03/2018 22:16

My ds's reception nativity play was inaudible for the first 5-10 minutes because a younger sibling was screaming and the mum didn't take him out. Her reason for staying in was that her son was sensitive and would have been upset if she wasn't there. Angry

The school has since introduced a no younger siblings rule. But people still interpret that to suit them ('oh yes, well they obviously mean no toddlers, but my preschooler will be fine because she knows how to be quiet').

You can agree or disagree with rules but it's up to the school at the end of the day. However I can understand your issue with the short notice.

Thehogfather · 07/03/2018 22:17

smashed some sahp's might have difficulty finding childcare. Some won't. Some wohps won't be able to get time off work, some will and will have childcare for siblings too. So yes, ridiculous to suggest it is harder for sahps as a group. Whether it's difficult or not is down to individual circumstances, not wohp/sahp

Dragonbait · 07/03/2018 22:19

I'm sorry but I'm one of those mums who has had a few performances where babies have screamed right through and made it really difficult for the younger kids performing. And also depending on the venue its not always as easy as leaving the room - we're blocked in with kids at ours. If your daughter is sensitive she would no doubt be devastated if her sibling spoilt it by crying through it surely? Why not ask some other mothers about local childminders - ours does one off childminding when people are desperate x

Mookatron · 07/03/2018 22:21

'All the lights and crowds'? At a reception concert?? Yes, if your school does its reception concerts on a lit stage it probably is inappropriate to take younger siblings. But for me having littler kids and babies there adds to the sense of occasion of a show in a school hall.

People should be encouraged to take babies out if they're screaming, beyond that it's a ridiculous idea to suggest they don't attend.

Witchend · 07/03/2018 22:21

Pretty much all reception children are sensitive, I don't think you'll be doing your child, or your stance any good by insisting that your child especially will be upset by not having you there.

And also by saying that, you negate the argument that if your baby cries you will walk out, because it would be so much worse for your older one to see you walk out in the middle.

If they let your baby this time, I'll put bets that next time there'll be more because "oh but you let..."
You've got two weeks, that's plenty of time to find an older parent who will push them round in the playground for the maximum 20 minutes the show will take. If you choose one who looks exhausted and worn out she won't to pinch your newborn and get less sleep. Wink

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/03/2018 22:21

I'm afraid the fact that it's a newborn doesn't really make a difference. And you can't just assume "it's nap time, he'll be asleep" Confused.
Lots of us spent years watching plays / assemblies, etc from outside through the window... It's just how it is.

Parker231 · 07/03/2018 22:22

I’m sure your DC won’t be the only one without a parent there. Unfortunately there were numerous school performances over the years when neither DH or I could have the time off work.

londonrach · 07/03/2018 22:24

Cant believe people saying go with baby in sling. Its the school rules. Op arrange a baby sitting, friend outside or dont go. Sounds like school had too many performances ruined by crying babies. Wont something think of the children. Yabu if you go op after being told no

user789653241 · 07/03/2018 22:25

If it was ok previously and now they changed the rule, they must have reason for it. 2 weeks is not really a short notice.
I sympathise, but I think if you took your baby without permission, it's not fair to others parents who followed the rule..

Lavenderdays · 07/03/2018 22:27

Hi,
I feel for you on this one...I have been in a similar situation with a pre-schooler, attending my older child's play/assembly and it was an utter nightmare...and I may well find myself in a similar situation again...now expecting dc3. With no extended family etc. and friends and dh at work, it was difficult to avoid.
Could you ask for a seat to be reserved near to the door to make a quick exit, I agree it is different if you have a new born. Then, if this is agreed explain to your dc that if the baby wakes you will need to go outside but will be listening/watching from the door (if the door has glass). At my dc's school, the assembly hall door had glass and I was able to wave to her to let her know I was still watching whilst trying to also watch my younger dc (who is into everything). I know it is not fair for other children to make a noise whilst older children are on the stage but we seem to be really intolerant of these situations in this country and there is little provision for it child is disruptive= you exit. It is really hard on people who have no-one to back them up, it is not alright for others to criticise who have got childcare/supportive family on tap or who don't have youngsters in this situation, it backs you into a corner when all you're trying to do is to be there for your dc.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/03/2018 22:27

I think leaving baby in the pram right outside and standing at the back would be your best option if you cant find anyone to mind baby. Or is watching from outside through the window an option.

if the response comes back no you cant take baby then yes ask about a dress rehearsal and also ask if you can go along a bit early at the time the kids are heading over from their class to the hall so you can give your DC a wave. DC will know that you tried your best.

SmashedMug · 07/03/2018 22:29

some sahp's might have difficulty finding childcare. Some won't. Some wohps won't be able to get time off work, some will and will have childcare for siblings too. So yes, ridiculous to suggest it is harder for sahps as a group. Whether it's difficult or not is down to individual circumstances, not wohp/sahp

In my first post I said which group I felt was automatically excluded. It is harder for stay at home parents with young children who don't have access to childcare to attend performances with rules like this. Working parents tend to already have childcare in place for work so if they can leave work, this rule doesn't affect them. Them not being able to get time off to attend has nothing to do with the rule about siblings and is a whole separate issue. My point was that stay at home parents with younger children and no access to childcare are automatically excluded from their child's performances when rules like this are in place.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/03/2018 22:29

How do you know that your child will throw a hissy fit and refuse to go on stage if you're not there, op??

I personally wouldn't call a child doing that very, very sensitive...
Lots of children have to accept that their parents have to work, and just get on with it. And they do.

MrsGB2225 · 07/03/2018 22:30

I think it's harsh. My sons school always welcomes younger siblings.

cindersrella · 07/03/2018 22:31

Our school would probably only give us a few days notice... I think two weeks is pretty good. I see where u are coming from with a new born but some young children get really upset at having to sit and be quiet which can be distracting for the children at the school

minipie · 07/03/2018 22:32

Ask about attending a dress rehearsal.

Please don't break the rule. If you don't go then your DC1 is upset (but at least was prepared for it). If you do go and your baby cries then the rest of the class (20-30 other children) are potentially upset at their show being spoiled, and the parents will be pretty cross I'd imagine.

I know your DC1 will be miffed but surely at Reception age you can explain the rule to them and the reason for it and make it clear you'd be there if you could? It's not like a 3 year old who just wouldn't understand?

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 07/03/2018 22:33

But it's not a toddler, it's a newborn baby. And it's not a show at the pavilion, it's a reception class assembly. Ffs, the school are being ridiculous!

Thurlow · 07/03/2018 22:34

Our school does two performances, one during the day where siblings are allowed and one in the early evening where they aren't. Seems to work well. Maybe suggest that to them for next time?

Smurfy23 · 07/03/2018 22:38

Id chase the music teacher and make the point that its really short notice, different to usual and promise to leave quickly if baby cries. Maybe bring baby with you in sling so she can see how well behaved they are?! If theyre adamant its a no then maybe watching rehearsal is a good compromise?

Bababing1 · 07/03/2018 22:41

What a shame. Is it normal school hours? At our school, for the infant nativity in early evening (so out of school hrs), some of the TAs set up duplo and toys for little siblings in a classroom and looked after them during the show. Fabulous to be able to watch it without keeping toddler amused/quiet.... it worked really well. Maybe could suggest for future?

Thehogfather · 07/03/2018 22:41

smashed no, they really aren't automatically excluded, anymore than wohps are automatically excluded from anything in the day. The sahps dp can get the time off and mind the siblings just as easily as a wohp can get the time off to attend.

Excluding siblings is just that, not about sahps.

Mookatron · 07/03/2018 22:55

smashed I agree with you. A SAHP's partner taking time off to attend is effectively 2 parents taking time off and only one of them being able to see the performance because the role of a SAHP is that of childcare. A WOHP can either take time off or not (assuming childcare for other sibling is in place or they couldn't be at work). So double the financial/holiday loss.

Mookatron · 07/03/2018 22:56

And that, of course, assumes there is another parent.