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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In feeling that my friend is being a bit unfair here?

420 replies

WilburIsSomePig · 07/03/2018 20:01

I worked with someone until they left my current employer last year. We became really good friends while we worked together and I was gutted when she left, but she felt it was a good move for her. We still each other a couple of times a month and chat/message every couple of days.

The company I work for is closing down in June and I, along with everyone else, am being made redundant. I've started looking for alternative employment as my redundancy won't be much and my role is not particularly common so I feel I need to get looking asap.

I told my friend about a job that another friend told me about at a great company and that I've applied for it, I have an interview on Friday. It's perfect for me, close to home, quite a bit more money and a similar role that I'm doing now - friend agreed that it sounds right up my street and to let her know how I get on. Another colleague at work that she also keeps in touch with told me today that my friend is really unhappy in her job (she's never said anything to me, she tells me it's going great) and that she's applied for the job I told her about. Now, I know that I have no 'right' to stop her applying and I never would, but I just wish she'd have told me. She knows I need another job as I'm losing mine soon. I feel a bit let down.

OP posts:
AverageSnowflake · 07/03/2018 20:26

She knew it was a dick move and that's why she didn't tell you. I'd be upset.

Hygge · 07/03/2018 20:26

I wouldn't like the way she went about it either. And I'd be very careful about trusting her in the future.

I know that jobs are open for people to apply, and they'll want to take the person they feel is the best one for the job, rather than the one who needs it the most.

But even so, she learned of the job from you, it's not advertised, and she's taken information and gone behind your back.

She might be thinking that if she doesn't get the job, you never have to know that she'd even applied. But it shows she's prepared to go behind your back if it means she might get something she wants. And it shows she's prepared to keep things from you while she does it.

I just wouldn't feel that I could trust her after that, and I would be a lot more guarded about what I said to her in future.

Shedmicehugh · 07/03/2018 20:27

If your role is not particularly common as in your OP, is your friend qualified or suitable for the job?

Or do you both do very unusual roles and jobs are hard to find?

I’m just wondering if the mutual friend of you both might have told her about the job, as she did you?

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2018 20:27

It’s sly. I hope you get the job. Maybe when you do you can casually say to her I hope im good at it and didn’t just get it be default , they said they didn’t have any other good candidates 😆

WilburIsSomePig · 07/03/2018 20:32

You thought she was a friend, she see’s you as a work colleague.

Genuinely, I really do think of her as a friend. She's asked me to go away for the weekend in May.

I don't understand why she would tell mutual friend (that I still work with) if she didn't want me to find out, mutual friend is lovely, but not known for discretion.

Ah well, what will be will be I suppose, if she is interviewed and they give the job to her then it means she's the best candidate. I suppose I'm feeling more worried because I'll be out of a job soon and it's stressful to say the least.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 07/03/2018 20:35

Shed, we both did the same role when we worked together. Mutual friend told me that other friend had applied for the job, but ex-colleague friend doesn't know the person who told me about the job originally. Ex-colleague friend heard about the job from me telling her I had applied for it.

OP posts:
Kitsandkids · 07/03/2018 20:37

Are you absolutely positive that this has happened how you've been told or is there any chance mutual friend could be stirring and things aren't quite what she's said?

BakedBeans47 · 07/03/2018 20:38

Maybe just keep your cards close to your chest when applying for jobs in future.

Good luck x

Milvusmilvus · 07/03/2018 20:40

Could it be that your friend who left has tried to put off your colleague by saying the job is not worth it? - because she'd rather you get the job?

Bluelady · 07/03/2018 20:40

Not a nice thing to do. Hope you get the job, OP.

Shedmicehugh · 07/03/2018 20:40

Oh I see. Feels a bit sly then. Maybe you should apply for the job she has at the moment, seen as she doesn’t particularly want it Smile

ohfourfoxache · 07/03/2018 20:42

She ain’t no friend. And I’d be very wary of her in the future.

I really hope you get it Thanks

honeyroar · 07/03/2018 20:44

She told mutual friend because she knew she'd tell you and she then wouldn't have to do it herself, like she ought to have.

eddielizzard · 07/03/2018 20:44

what would happen if she got the job? what would she say to you then? seriously that's a shit thing to do to a friend. esp when she knows you're about to not have one. at least she has one.

NoSquirrels · 07/03/2018 20:45

I think that is a bit shit, to be honest. All’s fair in love and war and all that, but if she wanted to do the right thing she should have told you she wanted to apply too. Even worse that it’s not an open application.

You need to get it out in the open. Tell her that mutual friend has told you and ask her why she didn’t mention it herself. Wait and see what she says then decide how to respond.

kaitlinktm · 07/03/2018 20:46

This happened to me years and years ago about a job for the BBC. I told her about the job and she applied only after hearing about it from me. Of course, as she told me, she was perfectly entitled to apply - and as I told her, I was perfectly entitled not to bother with her in future - and I didn't.

You wouldn't have done the same thing in her shoes - she doesn't value you in the same way you do (or did) her. I would think twice about this weekend in May.

ReturnfromtheStars · 07/03/2018 20:54

Well, if she does get the new job her current place will have a vacancy.

WilburIsSomePig · 07/03/2018 20:54

You wouldn't have done the same thing in her shoes - she doesn't value you in the same way you do (or did) her.

I think you're right to be honest, I guess she doesn't. I would never do that to a friend, it's just not something that you do IMO. She has a well paid job, that she tells me is great, yet she'd rather screw me over for a job that she knows I desperately want (and need).

I tried ringing her earlier, which isn't unusual, but she didn't pick up (which is highly unusual). I don't really want to send a message but I do want to ask her about it.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/03/2018 21:10

I wouldn't be happy if a friend did that, but I also wonder about the friend who told you - it seems rather a troublemaking thing to do.

I would probably want to clarify it by speaking directly and saying "Janet told me you've applied for the job I'm going for. Is that right?".

WilburIsSomePig · 07/03/2018 21:26

Well I tried to ring again and she's still not picking up, so I sent her a message just asking if she's applied for the job. She's seen the message but no reply as yet.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 07/03/2018 21:32

I think you have your answer about your friendship. Sorry, OP. Bin her off. Friends don't behave like this.

JonnyUtah · 07/03/2018 21:34

Maybe she told you're colleague because she knew that she would tell you?

Shinycat · 07/03/2018 21:40

Sly cow.

Some friend. Confused

I would never trust her again....... Like, EVER.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 07/03/2018 21:53

its very sneaky, will be interested to see what she has to say

KC225 · 07/03/2018 21:58

Shady behaviour. I am not suprised she is avoiding you. You must be asking yourself 'Did I really know her?'. She is lying about her 'great' job and going for the job you told her about. Ouch. Keep us posted OP