Can we talk about Mothers Day flowers and whether I'm being mean

[DoesanyoneplaytheXylophone]

I'm not a fan of Mothers Day. I don't need or want one "special" day to be shown how loved/appreciated I am - I expect that on a regular basis!

MIL, on the other hand, expects a bouquet of flowers delivered to her door on the day. We live 3 hours away and can't visit then so it usually costs about £50 for (judging by the photos MIL sends) a rather mediocre display of flowers.

WIBU to suggest DH sends her a £20 M&S voucher and asks her to treat herself?

£50 is a lot if you're on a tight budget for something that will be in the bin in a few days. I'm sure you could get a nice bouquet for a lot less.

No "love in the sending" - it's just a hurried credit card transaction to fulfil an obligation which is why I dislike Mothers Day so much.

Who cares what you dislike? Your MIL likes receiving flowers on Mothers' Day and doesn't care that it's an online purchase that didn't require several days' quest witha shield and magic helmet. What's it to you?

Of course he'll tell you he agrees with you. He'll also tell his mother he agrees with her (which is what he does every time he buys her a bouquet on Mothers' Day). He just wants you both to be quiet so he can buy a sodding bouquet and make her happy.

Yes, we have personal spending but not £50!!

It's once a year and you always know it's coming. Unless you're in absolute dire straits, in which case your MIL's flowers are the least of your worries, you can handle it.

To the poster who asked how I know MIL expects a fuss - she is the queen of passive aggressive communication - trust me, we know

Says the DIL who wants to send her a voucher for less than half the price, because she knows MIL wants the flowers!

I think £20 is acceptable for a bunch of flowers

Ah yes. Just the message you want to send on Mother’s Day. You are not a good mother or special or loved. You are merely ‘acceptable’. Have an ‘acceptable’ bunch of flowers.

There are nice bunches of flowers for £25. When flowers are being delivered much of it is a matter of delivery charges and you’re only really spending on the flowers after the £15 mark. So £25 is a nice £10 bunch of flowers but £20 is just a derisory petrol station type posy.

I’ve had a look and the ones at £20 are really a bit shit. But then that’s really the message you want to send isn’t it? ‘Here’s something a bit shit. We wanted you to know you’re not worth effort or expense.’

£20 once a year OP? Honestly that's a bit rubbish.

Incidentally why doesn't DH go and see her on Mother's Day? I know you live 3 hours away but I presume you go other times? Why not just send him to spend the day with his mum and take her the flowers?

I find the idea of your poor MIL sitting at home disappointed with a shitty voucher just so you can smuggly feel you are principled —and your wallet is heavier— really, really just awful. I can’t believe you’re even thinking of it

Oh, elton, do give it a rest with your head tilting towards my MIL - she is anything but poor in any respect. She sends me a voucher every year for my birthday and I don't think it's shitty at all - I enjoy spending it on something I like, being rather materialistic at times myself.

I think it’s to do with sticking two fingers up at MIL and showing her who wears the trousers

😀 You really are projecting here, Elton. Am I right in thinking you have some issues here either with maternal relationships or your DH. Do you have to prove who "wears the trousers" (odd phrase I've not heard for years!)

Anyway, DH has sent some flowers from a link kindly provided on here. We will see if it meets MIL's standards if she posts a photo on Facebook or not.

Yes OP, but you have said repeatedly that you like vouchers. So your MIL goes to the trouble of buying you something you like but you won’t do the same in return. And she’s not your mother either, so it’s more acceptable for her to give you something like that as she knows you less well and is less likely to know what you like. She is his mother though and he does know what you like.

And it’s blatantly obvious that there is a power struggle between you with you complaining about her ‘passive aggressive communication’ and this tit for tat retaliation.

And yes, my DH is a crap gift giver and it’s sometimes hurtful when you would just like someone to show they had been thoughtful. And if he tried to extend his crapness to my own gift giving he would be given very short shrift. Although I do count myself fortunate that he is just crap and doesn’t try and dress laziness and meanness as a virtue for which he should be applauded.

Oh no not the 'vouchers' again

£20 is an acceptable bunch of flowers? Is that how much you spent in the end? God that's the behaviour of a mean tight-arse. To a woman who goes to the trouble of sending you what you like on your birthday!

Try Serenata or Flying Flowers. Here is a pic of the Serenata flowers dh got for our anniversary.

Elton - I knew this was about you. I'm sorry your husband is lazy and thoughtless. Don't try and excuse his behaviour if it is causing you so much pain that you lash out at a random stranger (me!) on the internet. Talk to him and try and explain how hurtful he is. I would guess his behaviour extends into other aspects of your relationship - hence you're being over-invested in my MIL. Trust me - she wouldn't give a shit about you.

And to the poster who says I don't like my MIL - wrong! Why would I remind DH it's Mother's Day year in year out if I didn't care about her?

Thegreylady - beautiful flowers.

Phuquo - read the thread properly, dear.

MrsKoala: My MIL gets a £60 bouquet 3 times a year - and she's dead! I don't get involved.

That has finished me. Priceless.

Possibly for her grave!

Well, that's what i'm hoping. Otherwise he's got her stashed in a motel somewhere.

As long as his name's not Norman Bates.

OP, lay off Elton. You asked a question and she's answered, if you don't like it then ask yourself why rather than disparaging her marriage. She's explaining to you what these gifts mean to people and why it's hurtful when relatives do exactly what you want to do. (Which of course you know. That's why you want to do it.)

And to the poster who says I don't like my MIL - wrong!

Oh right. That's why you've described her as passive-aggressive, told the poster in question the same breath that MIL 'wouldn't give a shit' about her, and are making a huge point about how much better you are than MIL because she likes a nice bouquet and you don't.

You dislike your MIL, you think you're better than she is and you begrudge her a gift that isn't any of your business in the giving. Own it and deal with it. And look forward to Mothers' Day in years to come.

Hmmm.

OP: AIBU
Entire thread: YABU
OP: Well that’s just projection. I have a marvellous relationship with the woman I’ve just spent slating and am kind and generous spirited person who really cares.

You keep on telling yourself that...

Yes, quite.

Sorry OP. I know that on here MILs are somewhere between Cruella de Vil and Donald Trump in the popularity stakes, but that just shows how very unreasonable you really are being when almost every poster still thinks you should just let your husband get on with buying her what she likes.

Well, that's what i'm hoping. Otherwise he's got her stashed in a motel somewhere.

Yorrick - "own it, deal with it" Oh, ok, girlfriend

MIL is passive aggressive and self-centred. She wouldn't care about a random on the internet. That doesn't mean I don't like her, I do - warts and all.

And why should I look forward to Mothers Day in years to come? It's just another Sunday in March to me.

How does a bunch of flowers on a specific day express that appreciation?

I don't mean to be rude, really I don't, but are you being deliberately dense?

For your MIL flowers express appreciation. Why can't you understand that not everyone is exactly the same as you and not everyone likes what you like?

Buy the woman the flowers fgs.

But not to her!

(In response to 'it's just another Sunday in march')!

Oh, ok, girlfriend

Well that was cutting. I'm totally rethinking my stance in the light of that zinger.

MIL is passive aggressive and self-centred. She wouldn't care about a random on the internet. That doesn't mean I don't like her,

It really, really does. That plus the fact that you want to send her a gift you know she won't like, in place of one that you know she does.

And why should I look forward to Mothers Day in years to come? It's just another Sunday in March to me.

Fine, fine, it means nothing to you. But it does mean something to the woman you care about so much. So let your husband make the gesture and spend the money once a year. You don't have to participate, the woman you love is happy, your husband's not stuck with a complaining wife who really loves his mother. Everyone's a winner.

You've come on here asking if you're being unreasonable. There's a clear consensus that you are. Having got your answer, what are you going to do about it? Girlfriend?

Elton - the entire thread didn't say YABU. Some put forward reasoned arguments for and against. Others frothed and hurled insults.

And DH has sent flowers. You'd know that if you'd read the thread instead of projecting your relationships onto me.

Anyway, am off to enjoy the sunshine. Have some from me, Elton.

Happy Mother's Day to all (who it matters to) and to everyone else: Happy Sunday in March