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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we talk about Mothers Day flowers and whether I'm being mean

162 replies

DoesanyoneplaytheXylophone · 07/03/2018 10:32

I'm not a fan of Mothers Day. I don't need or want one "special" day to be shown how loved/appreciated I am - I expect that on a regular basis!

MIL, on the other hand, expects a bouquet of flowers delivered to her door on the day. We live 3 hours away and can't visit then so it usually costs about £50 for (judging by the photos MIL sends) a rather mediocre display of flowers.

WIBU to suggest DH sends her a £20 M&S voucher and asks her to treat herself?

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 09/03/2018 07:38

I don't understand why it's anything to do with you though? I would never be dictated to by my boyfriend how much to spend on my mum or what to buy her. I know what I usually spend and I save/budget/plan for that. I understand some people share finances but surely you each have your own money too?

Original poster
DoesanyoneplaytheXylophone · 09/03/2018 07:59

Red - because we share finances. And for us £50 is a big spend.

And I'm not 'dictating', we're discussing.

The issue really is that I think £50 on a token bunch of flowers is money ill spent. DH agrees but his mum expects

OP posts:
CRZ1988 · 09/03/2018 08:01

@DoesanyoneplaytheXylophone
I hate Mother's Day. My mother is a narcissistic idiot who needs to show all the neighbours how much of a wonderful mother she is by having vases of flowers and cards in the window from her lovely children.

My mother caused nothing but fired and pain growing up. I'm currently pregnant and having a pretty difficult time of things. When I explained to her I wouldn't be able to stop long with her card and gift her response was to come the day before.

If you honestly think that you need a show of flowers and cards to know your kids love you, you're doing it wrong.

I for one will not celebrate mothers dat. It's a pointless narcissist holiday.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 08:08

I would love to know how MIL exactly has insinuated that she expects flowers on Mother's Day.

Did she actually just say that? " I expect flowers on Mother's Day " or what? Because it was the former I think OP you'd be telling her to get to fuck.

I love flowers on my birthday and Mother's Day, when DH or dc ask me want I'd like or what I want to do my usual response is

" oh a bunch a flowers would be nice, thanks " I know you won't tell me but I'm guessing here that that is what your MIL has said.

RedForFilth · 09/03/2018 08:12

You don't even have separate money for your own personal spending? I don't know anyone who would say they expect a 50 quid bunch of flowers. 50 quid is a lot to me as well, I'd probably spend 20 and I'd save that up and budget for it leading up to mothers day.

Tainbri · 09/03/2018 08:15

I've just spent £40 on MIL flowers (yes me not DH!) he wanted her to come to is for lunch, I said no I'm seeing my mum and anyway I don't want to cook lunch as it's my day too!! He went off in a strop. It's not MIL's fault he can't be arsed to go see her on his own or whatever. I said she could come and stay for Easter and I'd cook then, it's only a couple of weeks off. Agree beeping Mother's Day causing more stress and expense and family rifts than necessary- madness!!

Garmadonsmum · 09/03/2018 08:19

I’m sure it’s been said already but you don’t need to spend £50 to get a lovely bunch of flowers delivered.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 08:21

Tainbri that's so annoying! Why doesn't he cook lunch himself for his mum? Instead of expecting you to do it.

itstimeforanamechange · 09/03/2018 08:21

Some of these mums need to ask why their egos are so fragile that they need their DC to go into debt to make them feel good for an hour

Or 5 minutes. A £50 bouquet is ludicrous if you are on a budget and can get one from the likes of Bloom & Wild for £25 and the only reason you don't want to do it is because mum likes to be "presented" with the flowers by interflora! Obviously if you can afford it, it's lovely.

toomuchtooold · 09/03/2018 08:33

I would love to know how MIL exactly has insinuated that she expects flowers on Mother's Day

Don't know the OP's MIL but if it was my mother, it would have started 20 odd years ago when I first got a job with hints about how so and so's daughter gets them flowers from such and such a florist, then if the flowers were ever late, wrong colour, or not expensive enough, a couple of weeks of silent treatment to train you into getting it right.
And what's weird with people like my mother - not that I know the OP's MIL is one of these - is that because they've been pulling the silent treatment stuff on you since early childhood, you're trained to guess very accurately what's bothering them. They barely have to lift a finger to get what they want.

Onedaynamechange · 09/03/2018 08:35

My DM starts putting her orders in for Mother's Day a month in advance..."oh if you're wondering what to get me I've seen a lovely jumper" which I find really offputting 😐 I've never expected my own DC to spend anything, always happy with a homemade card, or breakfast in bed. As it's his mother I think he should make the decision but if money is an issue then cheaper floral options need to be considered!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 09/03/2018 08:36

Just send the flowers straight from M&S. They have nice bouquets for about £25 and I have found them good on Mother’s Day. A voucher just says you can’t be arsed to go to any effort.

This is a huge bugbear of mine. I can’t stand people who try and use ‘principles’ as a cover for being begrudging and mean.

If money is tight shop around for a better value bouquet, there are plenty of nice ones out there. If not that DH could find an alternative gift which did not cost as much but still showed care and effort.

I find the idea of your poor MIL sitting at home disappointed with a shitty voucher just so you can smuggly feel you are principled —and your wallet is heavier— really, really just awful. I can’t believe you’re even thinking of it.

Izzy24 · 09/03/2018 08:39

The misery and meanness of DILs towards MILS on mumsnet has to be seen to be believed.

Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that a man who treats his mother with kindness, thoughtfulness, love and respect is likely to treat the other women in his life the same way?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 08:50

Putting your order in for Mother's Day is presumptuous I agree. Or they could be doing it to make life easier for those who are busy or just crap at buying their mother's presents.

Giving them the heads up if you like. I'm not overly bothered about Mother's Day, a lovely card is more important to me with a nice written message but one of my dc is pretty useless at thinking ahead and will often ring me and ask what I want. Flowers is the usual reply as I know they're not hard to sort out but I don't see anything wrong with suggesting a jumper or whatever else you might like. It doesn't make you self centred imo you're making it easier for them.

extinctspecies · 09/03/2018 08:53

Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that a man who treats his mother with kindness, thoughtfulness, love and respect is likely to treat the other women in his life the same way?

This ^

Eltonjohnssyrup · 09/03/2018 08:57

She hasn’t ‘put an order in’. It’s just what DH has done and they know she likes it.

I don’t think this has anything to do with money or principles. I think it’s to do with sticking two fingers up at MIL and showing her who wears the trousers. If it was about anything else anybody with a modicum of decency would look for cheaper but nice alternatives.

Being dead set on a £20 voucher means the OP wants to get the message across that MIL is not important and not worth the effort loud and clear.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 09:05

Elton my "putting her order in" was in response to OneDayNameChange. Fwiw I agree with you.

soimpressed · 09/03/2018 09:09

Isn't present buying supposed to be about finding a gift the recipient would like? It sounds as though your DH has got that completely sorted. I personally would be heartbroken if my DC presented me with a voucher - it would show that they didn't know me at all. I would rather have nothing!

CRZ1988 · 09/03/2018 09:11

Also, FWIW, my MIl doesn't expect anything for mothers day. If she gets a card she is happy.

My DH doesn't do mothers day with his mum as she knows how much they love her and she doesn't want the fake grand gesture.

FluffyWuffy100 · 09/03/2018 09:15

She likes flowers.

You don’t like her. We get it. You are a much more worthy person who spends money in a much better way. You think she is wasteful and resent spending money on flowers for her.

Leave DH to do what he thinks will make his mum happy.

MotherofDinosaurs · 09/03/2018 09:18

I think £50 is a ludicrous amount to spend on flowers. I'm also tired of hearing about various women 'expecting' particular gifts or being 'put out' if they don't get them. If someone is kind enough to give or send you a gift you smile nicely and appreciate the gesture, whether it's a tiny token or a massive expensive one. Where are all these hideous spoilt people coming from? They must be so dissatisfied with life if even gifts give them something to grumble about. Prats.

PoorYorick · 09/03/2018 09:19

Who cares what you like? She's his mother, this is what she likes and it's once a year. Let him get her what she likes. She's got flowers, she's happy. He's done right by his mother, he's happy. You get to feel superior because unlike her, you're not materialistic and have rejected the day, you're happy.

Lethaldrizzle · 09/03/2018 09:20

So many posters seem to begrudge other people's happiness on mothers day because of the 'that's not how we do things' mentality. What a load of mean minded bitter bollox!

MrsKoala · 09/03/2018 09:28

My MIL gets a £60 bouquet 3 times a year - and she's dead! I don't get involved.

Original poster
DoesanyoneplaytheXylophone · 09/03/2018 09:43

Redforfilth - read my OP. I think £20 is acceptable for a bunch of flowers. Well, I don't really but I'm trying to accommodate MIL. Yes, we have personal spending but not £50!!

To the poster who asked how I know MIL expects a fuss - she is the queen of passive aggressive communication - trust me, we know 😀

OP posts: