About other people’s children

[Curiousaboutchoices]

I sometimes feel like I am the only ‘strict’ parent around. We are surrounded by lovely people but many are what I would describe as permissive parents. This goes from the very extreme ‘Jane is just experimenting with gravity ’ when 3 year old Jane was deliberately throwing breakable items down a set of stairs, to a milder version whereby people consistently let their kids speak rudely, interrupt, scream and shout if they are ignored or don’t get their own way. Behaviour such as taking toys off another child, ignoring instructions/requests, being rude are often laughed at. Lots don’t restrict tv, screens or gaming, let their kids eat loads of sweets and chocolate in between meals, let their kids get up and down from the table, go to bed when they like, or put their kids to bed and then do nothing when they get back up again. This all makes play dates and sleepovers incredibly hard when all this is acceptable behaviour at home but not in my house.

No one would think it acceptable for an adult to behave like this. If I was unable to go out for dinner without getting up and wandering around people would think I was a little odd. I’m not talking toddlers, I’m talking KS1 and 2. And it’s a lot of the visitors to my house, not a small minority.

I can hear people saying already ‘not your kids, not your business’, which is right, but what these parents create is kids who are incredibly hard work outside the home. When kids stay over or come to play they are unable to cope with an adult not responding to their whims immediately, find it odd that I tell them not to help themselves my food cupboards or go into my bedroom, don’t like being told they have to sit still at a table to eat and can’t get up and down, etc.

Is this a nationwide modern phenomenon now, that children can do what they like or am I just living in a weird bubble?

Strawberry I’m sure that wasn’t the OP’s intention.

I’m sure someone will correctly if I’m mistaken but I don’t think Curious said that other people's Parenting was “wrong”?

She was talking mostly about the impact of badly behaved children on herself in terms of dealing with play dates and sleepovers.

I’m avail sure she didn’t say that children should be seen and not heard.

Everyone does things differently, there’s no one “right” way.

The OP seems to have various posters projecting criticism of their own children but actually as far as I can see Curious has had more nasty things said about her parenting on this thread than she’s said about other people's methods.

I think you can be a laid back parent and still teach your children how to behave around others.

I've brought my two up almost completely without the use of rewards and sanctions. I accept that this is partly down to their particular characters and a third child may have needed a different approach. However, I also used that approach throughout many years of childminding and had very few behaviour issues to manage.

We aren't massively rules or routines driven as a family so life is pretty flexible to their wants and needs. Bad behaviour hasn't ever got them something they've wanted so they haven't bothered to repeat it. I tell them often that they are loved and when they do something I like, I let them know that it is appreciated.

I have always had high expectations of my DD's behaviour, especially when away from home. They learned as soon as they were able how their behaviour might impact on others. They were complimented regularly on their behaviour in restaurants, etc when little and neither has ever received a school detention (except on one notable occasion when it was then withdrawn).

Although both of my children could definitely be described as very well behaved (DD1 may object to that now at the age of 20) I don't recognise the description of robots levelled at the OP. They behave as they do because they are concerned about the feelings of others, not because they aren't capable of thinking for themselves. They are both extremely capable of forming and arguing in favour of their own opinions and some of those opinions, quite rightly, do not reflect my own.

I find it sad that so many people on this thread can't see the difference between teaching children how to behave in a sociable manner and beating the stuffing out of a child to the point where they are robotic and lacking in character.

Are you for real? That's what this whole post is about!! Moaning that other people's children don't behave the same as hers and that she doesn't blame the children but it's the parents that are at fault, that to me is criticising other people's parenting! As I have admitted, this post got my back up and I'm sure it did with many others too so of course op is going to get a backlash as others are going to get offended by what she has said.
I didn't say that she said that children should be seen and not heard, I said she sounds like the kind of mother who's children should be seen and not heard!

But why do you assume that everyone else's kids want to work in such a rigid environment as yours? Your job sound like it will be replaced by robots in the future.
Okay, good luck running the nhs with robots 🙄
Most jobs have some kind of hierarchy and expectations for behaviour.

Am strict in a good way everyone complements my daughter’s mannerism they can’t believe she’s only 4 and one of her friends is out over control, bad behaviour, ruins other kids parties etc the mum is an acquaintance and asked me how I get my daughter to be so obedient.... however I’ve never seen her discipline her child she just says ‘she’s hard work’

Strawberry - I’m not going to lie either, other people’s lax parenting gets my back up, in all the ways previously described. As you can read from this thread, I am far from alone. The head teacher stepping in today in assembly is unheard of but apparently today was a line in the sand for the school too. I literally couldn’t hear the very first time my incredibly shy child spoke in public because some selfish parents think it’s ok to allow kids to run Amock. To quote someone else up thread who said in response to my complaints on this issue something like ‘kids just want to run around and have fun’ - I’m sure they do but it’s not appropriate in assembly. A park yes, a restaurant no. A soft play yes, a doctors surgery full of sick patients no. That people can’t see the difference is exactly the point of my thread. I’m not in a bubble, there are people on here who think that’s ok. Not only ok but that im outrageous for objecting. Well outrage right back atcha.

And your comments that I like my kids seen and not heard is frankly bizarre considering my many posts explaining exactly the contrary. If you’re gunning for a fight that’s fine but I wonder if the reality is that I’ve simply struck a nerve.

We home educate, and find ourselves stuck in a curious middle ground of parenting. We are too conventional for the parents of the dreadlocked, 'spirited' kids but too liberal for our more mainstream friends.

So the previous example of how to get kids to stay at the table would be OTT for us, but as yet unnecessary. However I expect the kids to behave with a wee bit of decorum appropriate to the location and activity. And if they don't, we leave. No shouting or recriminations, they're just told that sadly we will need to leave, as XYZ behaviour isn't appropriate for XYZ reason. Normally this will result in a sulk for a few minutes before they run off to play or whathaveyou again and behaviour improves.

You certainly have not struck a nerve, I have been a Mum for nearly 14years and I am extremely proud of my ds's. No I'm not gunning for an argument, in fact I agree with you, it drives me nuts when I can't hear my ds2 in assembly because other people's pre schoolers are making too much noise. I hate the fact that my ds is getting treated like a punch bag because somebody else's child just decides to hit my child on a regular basis, my ds does the right thing by not retaliating but instead telling a teacher but it pisses me off every time the teacher comes to tell me that my ds has again been on the receiving end of the other child's rage. I just think you put it all wrong and made yourself sound like a right toffee nose!

Obviously there are some people who just don’t discipline their kids and have very badly behaved children. These aren’t the majority. A lot of what you are complaining about is just a difference in priorities. I’m not going to make my child sit at the table until everyone has finished when they’ve got homework or other stuff they could be getting on with and I won’t apologise for that. They probably would sit until others had finished if that’s was someone else’s house rule but that’s precisely because they have been taught that people parent differently and there isn’t always a right and wrong way. I very much doubt your children would have the same respect for other people’s rules because the way you are speaking suggests you think your way is right and everyone else’s way is wrong and they will pick up on that.

Pork - I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t voice these thoughts irl to either the parents, the kids or my own children. So they are none the wiser aside from the judgements they make about certain behaviour for themselves.

Strawberry I didn’t ‘put it all wrong’, I said and continue to say exactly what I’m feeling. Trying to get into an argument because you object to my style whilst apparently agreeing with the Substance is a little odd.

Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world, we all come across children that behave differently to our own. Yes I agree that we all get annoyed by other people's children but we don't all feel the need to start a post bitching about the fact that not everyone parents as you do. Just suck it up and get on with it and don't try to put others down!

Errr practically every thread on this whole bloody site is started by someone with a beef! Stop being so silly. Suggest you reread Thistle’s earlier wise missive on judgement and note the irony of being cross with me for judging other parents whilst judging me yourself. Toffee nosed indeed, if only you knew.

we are a very sociable family. We have friends over all the time not just occasionally. Perhaps that’s the problem, but I love the idea of an open door.

OP you've nailed it. You love the idea but not the reality. The people I know who happily have children and other families round all the time are much calmer and more tolerant than you are and less bothered by other people's kids' misbehaviour, though they are firm about their own kids. Sounds as if you aspire to a social role that doesn't really suit your personality. You may as well face up to it and make life easier on yourself.

Klein - perhaps you’ve hit the nail on the head. You’re probably right.

I've found it isn't other people's children I mind, it's other parents, DC having friends over is a lot more bearable now their parents don't come with them, I work in a school, I have an excellent teacher voice and am very good at politely but firmly explaining why certain behaviour isn't ok, what I am not good at is working out how long to wait for their parents to do it/whether its ok to tell children to behave when its clear the parent isn't going to bother.

I apologise now as I am that parent at the supermarket lagging behind atm calling out for Johnny to come back coz I'm 40 weeks pregnant and concentrating on not peeing myself

But come back and see me in a few months and hopefully we'll be back to our lovely usually nice behaviour

Queen

Kleinzeit I completely disagree with your statement. I am a fairly lax parent, where it matters. Which for me was the instillation of good manners, kindness and tolerance when they were young. They are all tennis/20's now including one son with Autism.
My rules were. :
At no point would any of them got up from the table until the meal was finished.
Helping themselves to food without asking first.
Jumping on furniture
Interrupting adults who are speaking unless a genuine urgent problem needed addressing.
No fighting or being mean to each other. (This failed spectacularly with step-children, but something I am especially proud of for my own)

but after the age of 5 . With exception of the last point, I never had to say anything. They just did it. Our house wasn't full of 'rules' . If anything - the sleepovers and parties are always at our house BECAUSE I'm considered 'a laid back mum'.

These 'rules' basic rules of table manners, kindness and politeness sets them up for life. It has meant that every year at least one gets invited skiing or on a summer holiday with friends. Because they are /were children that other parents actually like having round.
We have always been able to sit in restaurants and enjoy meals. As they have got older they have never felt awkward or uncomfortable in any kind of company from a pauper to a prince - because they have the basic building blocks of knowing how to behave like a civilised person.

Table manners may seem really unimportant but they aren't . They teach children to be patient, selfless, that sometimes, even when you don't want to do something, you have to think not just of yourself but everyone. For example how would you feel if everyone did as you did and left the table whilst one was still eating. ?

Kleinzeit I completely disagree with your statement.

Unh? What did I say that you disagree with? Your brought up your own kids to have good manners, like I said. You at least seemed laid back to other kids, like I said. You didn't have the kind of misbehaviour from visitors that the OP encountered, or if you did it didn't bother you that much, so the reality of having kids round all the time worked for you. But it doesn't work for the OP.

Oh and please don't play the "I got my child with autism to do so anyone can get any child to do it" card. It gets up my nose because I know so many parents whose kids have autism and who tried so much harder than I did and still couldn't get their child to do that I succeeded at with mine.

Kids pick up on their parents attitudes whether you tell them how you feel or not. You may well be surprised at how your kids behave in others houses. I always tell parents their kids have been ‘fine’ at pick up even if they’ve been horrors and I think most parents do the same (I’m generally too keen to get rid of them to be getting into any discussions about behaviour if they’ve been a pain!).

I think the reason some people think you sound toffee nosed is because you keep mentioning 'basic manners' but not everyone agrees on what these basics are. People have different understandings of what is rude/unacceptable behaviour. Hence AIBU threads are full of different answers to the same question.

Queen Johnny is strapped into the buggy here. At 6 he still goes in the trolley, as otherwise he'd either flop or run off if he was tired, which he always is at weekends. 😂

Completely and utterly wholeheartedly agree with you. I find the way so many children behave completely intolerable. I would rather be strict and have well behaved behaved pleasant children than completely chilled out and oblivious to the fact my kids think the world revolves around them

I agree with Roomba. Most people are strict AND lenient, but over different parts of life/behaviour, and I think this is what can make having visitor kids or spending time with another family particularly tricky. I find “in this house, we do x” helps, but I have had kids respond “but why? That’s just stupid”. Sometimes there’s a hole bitten through my bottom lip 😉

I hate so many of these things except when it was MY kids, at which point it was perfectly fine.

Basically, no one style of parenting is correct and whilst there are some basic manners/behaviour, a lot of this stuff is personal taste. Even between my two sons I had a different parenting style for each one.