About other people’s children

[Curiousaboutchoices]

I sometimes feel like I am the only ‘strict’ parent around. We are surrounded by lovely people but many are what I would describe as permissive parents. This goes from the very extreme ‘Jane is just experimenting with gravity ’ when 3 year old Jane was deliberately throwing breakable items down a set of stairs, to a milder version whereby people consistently let their kids speak rudely, interrupt, scream and shout if they are ignored or don’t get their own way. Behaviour such as taking toys off another child, ignoring instructions/requests, being rude are often laughed at. Lots don’t restrict tv, screens or gaming, let their kids eat loads of sweets and chocolate in between meals, let their kids get up and down from the table, go to bed when they like, or put their kids to bed and then do nothing when they get back up again. This all makes play dates and sleepovers incredibly hard when all this is acceptable behaviour at home but not in my house.

No one would think it acceptable for an adult to behave like this. If I was unable to go out for dinner without getting up and wandering around people would think I was a little odd. I’m not talking toddlers, I’m talking KS1 and 2. And it’s a lot of the visitors to my house, not a small minority.

I can hear people saying already ‘not your kids, not your business’, which is right, but what these parents create is kids who are incredibly hard work outside the home. When kids stay over or come to play they are unable to cope with an adult not responding to their whims immediately, find it odd that I tell them not to help themselves my food cupboards or go into my bedroom, don’t like being told they have to sit still at a table to eat and can’t get up and down, etc.

Is this a nationwide modern phenomenon now, that children can do what they like or am I just living in a weird bubble?

I have a 17 year age gap between dds. The difference in parenting attitudes is definitey noticeable.

I think nothing of telling other people's kids off at groups or soft play. The look of confusion as they scurry off to tell mummy is quite amusing.

Ah i see. That's what i thought you meant but kept reading it and thinking i was wrong. Because you said This all makes play dates and sleepovers incredibly hard when all this is acceptable behaviour at home but not in my house. in your op. So i was confused.

I think your experience is unusual. If a child behaved like described they don't get invited back.

And particularly to the ten year old you explain why.

And then only meet people in parks, playground etc where wilder behaviour is more acceptable.

Mrs K yes that’s just weird to protect your own home more. We are relatively relaxed about mess here, though kids of have to clear up after themselves when done, but I’d be more stringent in Someone else’s home because I know I won’t be there later to help.

I get you Koala

We home ed, and there are a lot of very "free and easy" parents in this sphere. I think we are in an unhappy middle tbh. Seen as lax by our more traditional friends and seen as frightfully conventional by the parents with the dreadlocked, spirited children.

Well “different families have different rules” is hardly news but I find that children are pretty adaptable to their circumstances.

I decided my house, my rules pretty early on and don’t often have problems.

We regularly have kids round but they all know at Thistle’s house you don’t jump on the furniture, everyone needs to take turns fairly, we sit at the table to eat and what Thistle says goes.

We regularly host at least one kid that isn’t welcome anywhere else but is very nicely behaved for me.

If you set firm boundaries and enforce them most kids fall in line quite happily.

Mrs K - in my op I was bunching loads of examples together, I do accept that other people might have different rules but I’d kind of hope eating at a table was a standard one at ten.

Curious, I think Koala thinks you were saying that you didn't see how she could be allowing certain behaviours at home but then effectively enforce them not being allowed when out and about. Hence why you said her kids wouldn't be coming to your house.

I'm hoping that wasn't what you meant? Cause that's a bit small minded, it is perfectly possible to have relaxed rules at home and not elsewhere.

In fact, it is important for kids to learn that they behave in different ways according to where they are.

Sorry I didn’t even respond to your point. Anyway, no, most kids are polite. Apart from one child, 8 at the time, who said fuck a couple of times, when I asked him a question, he told me it was none of my business. Was PA about the food I offered him despite giving what I was told he would like and generally didn’t listen to my instructions. He then proceeded to tell a rhyme. “I will say this only once, Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re a mother fucking bitch but I still love you.” Okaaaay. He hasn’t been invited back. He’s a really cheeky kid, with a great sense of humour and he needs taming. He’s since been very rude to my friend for no reason when he came up to our dds after school and I told him in no uncertain terms to go away. Basically the humour is becoming more abusive with age. His mother is vivacious and a really nice person. But she’s a fun mum with no boundaries. He’s going to be a disaster in secondary! And I’m so sorry he’s being set up for failure.

MrsKoala
That really would really piss me off. Kids, who are allowed trash others houses but not at home. My dd is taught to respect other people’s property. Especially when in someone else’s home.

Citychick Ive already said I’m not talking about kids with additional needs. In the absence of a comment about AN, we are just talking standard kids. These kids do not have AN and as I said in my op the parents don’t seem to mind this behaviour. They are not cringing, they are just parentally absent.

Again, I think you are extremely unlucky with the parents/children you meet.

ds of sweets and chocolate in between meals, let their kids get up and down from the table, go to bed when they like, or put their kids to bed and then do nothing when they get back up again. This all makes play dates and sleepovers incredibly hard when all this is acceptable behaviour at home but not in my house

Then don't invite them. Frankly I wouldn't want my kids in your judgemental house. Who gives a shit if kids eats sweets between meals or get up and down from the table. They are children not bloody robots. Worry about your own kids and if you're not happy with how other kids behave don't have them in your house.

Urgh, yep, here’s looking at you SIL who lets their kids get up and down from the table like yo-yos with their sticky hands to go and play, while I make my 2 sit politely at the table until everyone is finished.

The dog and koala - no that was my poor drafting. I meant the kids visiting are obviously not hers because she has given them a set to guest rules. I think I just phrased it badly. I wouldn’t ever say no to any child, which is perhaps where I am going wrong. However, because I strongly see this as a parental issue and not a child issue I think I would struggle to ban a child and explain that to the child himself or my own child why I was taking that step.

I dont baulk from confrontation, I just don’t think it’s the child’s fault. Would telling the parent be a better move? And if so, how?

6 of one half a dozen of the other OP. Definitely a matter of perspective; I consider myself a fair and reasonable parent (reasonably strict but patient) my parents, DSF especially see me as quite a strict parent compared to others and certainly when I went to baby & toddler groups most people's reactions to my parenting corroborated this. I go to my PILs house and they consider me and I quote "soft as shit". I have never let my daughter run riot/break things/make a mess and if anything when she lays all over the dog (big lab he doesn't mind) I tell her to get off and leave him alone and they say he's fine. I think because my DD has issues with food (possible ASD) I don't force her to sit there and eat it and they are very much of the take it or leave it generation. That just doesn't work for my DD, I know I've tried.

By that token I still remember And would love to forget before Xmas DD deciding to have a meltdown in Tesco, I'm talking full on angry screaming, trying to bite me or run away situation. This has never happened to us before but I could feel every eye on me regardless; so I guess when you see these tantrums you have to stop and think possibly not a normal occurrence.

FWIW OP I am dreading proper school age situations, I've managed to avoid it all so far but I imagine I will either tear my hair out (like you are now) or die of embarrassment when I get my DD and they say she refused to eat her dinner even though it was exactly what you told me to make...

They are just making their child's life harder. I work with someone who constantly interrupts, has outbursts if he doesn't get his own way etc. You can see that he has spent his entire life being mollycoddled and expects it from everyone

So if a child interrupts when they are 3 or 4 and don't understand social etiquette they will grow up to be the same - This is BS.

Olivia I’d invite you to read all my previous posts which I think will explain my position more clearly to you.

Children aren't adults. But unruly, rude and entitled children grow up to be unruly, rude and entitled adults unfortunately.

Children need to learn early that they live in a society where you have to compromise to get along with other people. Some indeed do have special needs, but far too many children are pandered to as 'special' i.e. where their needs are presented as more important than everyone else's. They aren't.

olivia - if you tell a 3 year old to wait for the gap and not to interrupt, they learn very quickly not to do so, it’s very simple but it’s deifnitely harder work than just caving to the bad manners. It requires 100 per cent consistency and the ability to remain calm and not shout every time. They get it.

Makes it so much harder when other people’s kids are running round a cafe or shop to explain that they can’t get down and that that’s not acceptable

You see I don’t really understand the view that other people’s kids bad behaviour makes it harder.

We taught our children from the start that:

“Different families have different rules”
“I’m not interested in anyone else’s behaviour, I’m only interested in yours“

My rules are my rules regardless of anyone else is doing.

Whining about “it’s not fair” have never been acceptable in our house, life is inherently unfair.

Oh that must be where I'm going wrong Curious I just let them run feral and do what they want. Then I'm not a perfect parent like you.
To answer your question I don't find lots of people like this, all the people I know parent slightly differently to how I do but then people are different. Also I don't judge my parenting as superior so that probably helps.

I think you are unlucky, I have two children (girls) and have had quite a lot eating and playing at my house over the years. The only bad behaviour I've ever really seen is at parties, where they are hyped up beyond belief (only did parties at home twice, til aged 10 for this reason!) My guests have always sat at the table, tried food, haven't trashed the house. A couple of times they were a bit rude asking for food when they were about 7/8, not quite enough 'pleases' and 'thank yous' but by 10/11, the children have generally been incredibly pleasant and very polite. No child has ever refused to do something in my house, but then I don't ask that much of them other than they don't trash things or be mean to other people or pets.

"Everyone does things differently" gets said a lot when we are out and about.

I get you now Curious.

I think modern parenting is changing that way, not much you can do?

As an old dimmer with teenagers, I am surprised by what their younger nephews and nieces get away with.

back in the day ( about 10-15 yrs ago) I was a fairly laid back parent, but the current generation of tots who start with baby led sleeping, baby led weaning, baby led potty training followed up by toddler led activities and toddlers making decisions on what to wear, what to eat and when....this just follows from it naturally?

I am not sure it is lazy parenting, I think it is a conscious decision to parent in a child-centric way. A choice modern parents make. My way of thinking is behind the times. I'd better try and stay openminded!

And for some kids it really works, the ones who are naturally thoughtful/kind/considerate.