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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with MIL over my baby

174 replies

LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:02

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 04/03/2018 20:07

Your partner needs to tell her to stop interfering, I don't think you can do anything without it exploding in your face.

By interfering I mean treating you both like idiots and undermining your parenting. If your DC is loved, clean and properly fed then she really has no reason to criticise you.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/03/2018 20:11

If any of this advice comes via text then block her and leave dp to deal with her.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 04/03/2018 20:12

What is the treatment OP? Just curious as my DS suffered a lot and the only option available was the powder.
Your MIL sounds tedious, seems like she’s trying to fill a hole in her life, does she have any hobbies? Any other interest or job?

Laiste · 04/03/2018 20:12

she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle

Oh my lord! DP needs to have a word.

SunshineAfterRain · 04/03/2018 20:12

You really need to sit her down and tell her-while you think she means well- you are both able to look after the baby. You are feeling very judged and misunderstood.
As for another baby, that is just ridiculous this is the time where you get to bond and get to know your new little person and make memories before you rush another.

Bambamber · 04/03/2018 20:16

She needs to understand that parenting styles have changed a lot of the years, and I imagine they will keep on changing. Your partner needs to deal with this and let her know she is crossing the line. The baby doesn't need a third parent, The baby needs a loving grandmother. I imagine she's doing it out of love for the baby and probably doesn't even realise how overbearing she is

SharronNeedles · 04/03/2018 20:23

If she makes comments in person I would be super direct but nice:

"Don't hurt the baby"
"MIL, why do you think we would do that? We have researched this and as baby's parents we have decided to do this"

"I'll raise him as my own"
"Oh MIL, this is your baby , and this is my baby . You've been lucky enough to raise yours how you saw fit, now it's our turn"

"I'll ask my friends"
"Well that is fine, but we will be basing our decisions on our own research and NHS guidelines as opposed to your friends pov"

Peachyking000 · 04/03/2018 20:26

What’s the treatment?

kaytee87 · 04/03/2018 20:27

She actually sounds like she might be mentally ill. Bizarre that she would think you'd remove him from nicu Confused
Tell your dh it needs to stop then let him deal with it.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/03/2018 20:33

What Sharron says.

Oh and I might add:-

sympathetic head tilt Aww - poor MIL - did you not bond properly with DH when he was a baby
Her:- Yes of course
You;- It’s just that the way you keep worrying that we will do something to hurt ds meant that I assumed you don’t understand the overwhelming unconditional love that a parent usually has for their child.

Sarahjconnor · 04/03/2018 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:39

MIL is definitely filling a hole in her life. He has a husband (we get on super well with him and he is a lot more laid back), but she spends her days watching telly/shopping/going to church etc. Now, MIL actually lives with us 4 days a week. I was initially super grateful for it, as my partner works and commutes 4 hours a day, making him absent for 16-18 hours a day or so altogether which was very difficult for me, and having someone around seemed great, and we usually have had no problems. I started realising however she is almost happy that I needed help, as she now sees herself as indispensable, which gave her wings and confidence to criticise my house (well, not super clean with a needy 8 week old!) and all the baby stuff. Our privacy is kind of gone, as she barges into our bedroom every time the baby cries at night, although we are totally capable of sorting it out ourselves. DP is going to talk to her about it tomorrow, so that hopefully should be sorted.

Also, as she comes fro ma very traditional background, her biggest aspiration was family and she kind of believes that this is the purpose of everyone's lives. We are also not married, and she wants us to 'do the right thing'. We do want to get married, but we do not consider ourselves any less of a family because we are not. For her it's a mix of being worried what people say, and fearing God. Again, I respect everyone has a right to their believes, so I just learned to ignore her moaning on that.

@Nottheduchessofcambridge we were thinking of cranial osteopathy (we got prescribed Gaviscon, which did big fat nothing, and then GP refused to do anything else, so NHS let us down big time) We are still undecided about it, it seems it could help the baby a lot and a lot of our friends went through it and recommended, but we are on a fence between it being helpful potentially and it being a total waste of time and money (I have not heard of it before having a baby, but wanted to find out what it can do to begin with). We were still looking into any potential risks, and if there are any we would not go for it, but MIL went over the top that it was bad, although she had no clue what it was to begin with.

@Bambamber I agree- I think it's just the love for her grandson, and not disrespect to us, but this makes it only a tiny bit easier. I don;t want it to explode at one point and want to draw the line before we get into some sort of massive argument. I'm happy to hear her point of view, but I don't want her to think she will have the final word and say in everything.

DP is happy to talk to her, but Id rather do it myself to be honest to talk about my feelings, rather than have Chinese whispers type of situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:43

@kaytee87 - she's actually sane :)
But it's a family of worriers (spelling?). She worries about everything, like before it even happens. And about things that will never happen.

English is not her first language and I think sometimes she misunderstands things or takes a bit longer to understand, so we usually explain and/or ignore, but with baby it's becoming a bit much.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 04/03/2018 20:49

She needs to go home. If you don't need her living with you 4 days a week then it's time for her to go home.

And your partner really needs to have a strong word with her before this belief she has that she knows your baby better than you gets completely ingrained in her brain. She might mean well, but that is toxic long term.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 04/03/2018 20:54

Shock She needs to leave, the sooner the better! She barges into your bedroom when she hears your baby cry?! Does she think of you/your DH as incapable kids or something rather than fully functioning adults? Your DH needs to have serious words and get her to take a huuuuge step back, she sounds way overbearing and suffocating!

Original poster
LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:55

Well, the thing is, I do need someone to help out for the next few weeks at least. I could probably just about manage, but having someone around has been great, minus the moaning and criticising. Baby does not nap during the day and is unputdownable, so I could just spend the whole day with him in the sling, but it's easier having someone to help and talk to. If things were different, we would not have invited her.

She is in general a lovely supportive person (this has probably not come out from my posts above) and we never have had problems so far. The baby however seemed to have brought out a lot of anxiety in her and she feels like she needs to be in charge. DP has had one big argument with her about it already and that did bring her down a notch, so I hope we can just sort it out when we talk tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:58

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens, yup, she literally runs into our bedroom when he cries, every blooming time. She thinks she is helping us and the baby by soothing it, while for me it's invading my private space. I did not want to look ungrateful, but again, this will be discussed tomorrow that I don't want her to come into the bedroom at night.

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 04/03/2018 21:00

Now, MIL actually lives with us 4 days a week. I was initially super grateful for it, as my partner works and commutes 4 hours a day, making him absent for 16-18 hours a day or so altogether which was very difficult for me,

Any chance you could get her to go back home? This is the problem she has too much influence as she is living with you. Time to ask her to leave and take back control of bringing up your baby.

Laiste · 04/03/2018 21:01

Each to their own OP. I would HATE having either my mother or MIL living with me.

The barging into the bedroom thing is making my head hurt ! :)

Makingworkwork · 04/03/2018 21:01

Get the MIL out of your house.

Go to the GP again and ask for Rantitadine for baby’s reflux.

Takeoutyourhen · 04/03/2018 21:05

She could be just very over/excited that she is a grandparent now.
BUT
I'm 6 years into being made to feel like I'm a shit parent by my own mother. Competitive parents at toddler groups are one thing, but your own mother is on a different level. I honestly believe that she thinks I'm a half-wit or something. But if I were to do everything she says I'd be perfect. Make of that what you will.
I've been enforcing boundaries for the past couple of years which has been a complete shock to my mother. Our relationship has not improved much more.
I recommend you have some words, and soon. Good luck!

mathanxiety · 04/03/2018 21:05

Put a bolt on your bedroom door. Lock her out at night.

You don't really need her. You will manage ok without her as long as you yourself are healthy. Plenty of women manage by themselves even with babies who have reflux or who won't nap lying down. They go out for a walk, they do what they can around the house, they shop, watch TV, listen to music, talk to the baby.

Longer term, I would plan on moving so your DP does not have such a long commute. I would start looking at the feasibility of this now. The current commuting time is not reasonable.

Dealing with this woman will not get easier as she gets older.

Allthebestnamesareused · 04/03/2018 21:06

Lock required for bedroom door if you are not prepared to send her home.

Just tell her you are his parents and you will make any decisions required just like you did when your kids were little.

You have to put your foot down now or it will just get worse.

Babdoc · 04/03/2018 21:08

I agree with the pp's - you need to politely but firmly lay down some boundaries for her. Barging into your private bedroom is completely unacceptable for a start! She could potentially be a real help, and I'm sure she means well, but she just needs to back off a little.
I would speak to her before you build up a big seething resentment, otherwise you may end up exploding unreasonably at her after months of this. You are in a position of strength here - if she wants to continue seeing her much loved gc, she needs to toe the line with your rules. Time for a gentle chat, and for you and dp to have a united front. Good luck, I hope it all settles amicably!

arseholeseverywhere · 04/03/2018 21:09

Good grief I would rather struggle on my own than have mil live with me! You need to get that sorted ASAP since the problems are already starting