To be upset with MIL over my baby

[LadyRenoir]

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

Perhaps this reflects different communities set up. Eg most people in the various places I have lived are geographically a long way from family. And therefore the is no expectation that family will help out, rather than visiting to see the child.

Whereas if family are local then options for helping are greater.

Good luck to everyone who is in the tiny baby stage

I can see that she means well, but the boundaries are a little off and need gentle readjusting. I think most of them worry a little when you are a new parent because you ARE learning on the job, especially if they had a large family themselves and are dab hands at it.

And managed the right way, their input when you are in the newborn weeks IS valuable. But they are supposed to be passing on that knowledge, not doing the job for you. So their job is to offer advice when asked for it, to be a mother's helper, and to give you reassurance that you are doing things the right way for your baby.

You wouldn't get driving lessons where the instructor insisted on driving the car and you looking on from the passenger seat. Nor would you become a competent or confident driver. Maybe phrase it like that to her?

Hi, my niece has also had reflux quite badly in the beginning & the gaviscon prescribed by the GP was not working. I found a specialist physio who massaged her on a weekly basis which really helped with her reflux. My sil also struggled but my brother was on hand as we all were to pitch in and help. I know lots of people who have had help & even I did with my 2 but then I only lived a few doors down from my parents. Please look into the baby physio and find a osteopath who specialises in reflux massage. It is most definitely a cultural thing to have help when you have a new baby as Mum needs rest to recover from the birth, boundaries do get over stepped but just have a honest conversation with your mil and take it from there. Do not feel guilty about having support. Wishing you all the best & it does get better. My niece is now 9 months and thriving. X

I actually think you should raise the issue that her behaviour is concerning you and you think she should consider going to see her gp about anxiety. And be prepared to give examples of her anxiety interfering with your life and how if you were suffering from PND, how it could have caused serious issues with you bonding with your child. Lay it all out as clearly as you can.

I didn't get any help at all. I had to muddle my own way through. Everyone turned up to see her when she was tiny to hold her but they weren't so bothered about actually helping. After a few weeks it was just me!

Ok, so a mini update, a sI personally dont like people who ask for advice and then walk off into the sunset without a word of thanks.

Thank you all the lovely people who gave advice on reflux. I will be following it up, already messaged paediatrician in hospital to ask for a follow up appointment.

MIL came today and although my partner offered to speak to her, I know if would probably turn into an argument, as it often does between them. So I politely told her we would prefer she did not come to our room after we go to bed, and if she hears the baby cry as he is waiting for me doing the bottle, it's fine, it will only be a few minutes and that we need this bit of personal space for ourselves.

She said she was very happy I said that as she wants us to get on well, and she will stop coming and let us handle the baby- and she told me to just ask her help when I need it. Boom.
I fed the baby, she changed it as I was making our lunch and now we are both playing with him. Im happy as I offloaded, she is happy as she gets to spend a few days with the baby, DP is happy as he will not have to argue with his mum.

I think I needed to write it all down though. I have not mentioned the other stuff, I dont think it will be constructive to say "hey, btw on another note do you remember this comment from last week..." after the nice conversation we had and will tackle comments as they come instead.

So thank you again for reading and being supportive!

Nice to see you've resolved it. Not that there was ever much doubt that you would. You must be one of the calmest, most rational people ever to post here. I hope you soon get your baby's medical issues sorted out.

My MIL was also great, the moment I got pregnant she became super controlling and weird. She wants to raise my kids herself etc.

Can’t be bothered with her in the slightest anymore

OP I think the first thing that's needs to be done is stop her stopping at your house. Tell her she need to take a step back as it is not her child.

Oh just seen you have resolved it. Thank god

she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle

That would have gotten my back right up! I'd NC over that.

She needs to go home. If you don't need her living with you 4 days a week then it's time for her to go home.

Yes, get her out. She is creepy.

I still feel the same after reading your update. Saying she would raise your son as her own is freeekin weird and a massive red flag.

Glad it’s gotten better! Well done for speaking to her.

To be honest, while I was being a bit dramatic and wanted/needed to vent, I also saw part of my family breaking up and believe if things can be sorted, then with a bit of effort it is worth it, unless it's totally beyond repair.

In my case, I don't think it is too late. I will try to reasonably curb my MILs enthusiasm to co-parent. If she is unreasonable, that will be the end of it. I don't want to be a doormat, but I also realise, after reading so many of your posts, that I am actually quite lucky having that help (although it does not always look like luck from various perspectives). Worth a shot though.

I agree with the posters who say she’s creepy, I’d tell her to leave and to be honest I would n’t leave her alone with your baby. The situation is temporarily resolved but I think she’ll get worse and worst case scenario she’ll drive a wedge between you anyour child when he’s older.

@Bluelady Thank you. I don't think I am particularly calm unfortunately, I tend to wind myself up just like I did last night in a way too as often I don't act on the spot, instead I let emotions boil a bit for a few days and voila.
But writing here and then reading the responses made me realise what I really want to happen and how I want our family life to look like in future. Do I want to chuck her out of the house and argue with my partner? It would be a solution only if we could not resolve things peacefully.
And separating MIL from us (and therefore FIL and SIL, with whom we have a great relationship too) was not something I would like to happen if possible. And I do know she loves the baby and cares for us, even though it's sometimes a bit suffocating- it's a part of the package, but hopefully something we can work out to give both me and her some privacy and space while we share our house for a few days a week.

Can you afford to go to a paediatrician privately to get the right prescription, or to investigate dairy allergy?

Could you just buy non dairy formula yourself and try it? This is what parents do in the US.

Could you buy ready made formula to use at night so you don't have to leave your bedroom to prepare it? That way you could put a bolt on your door.

Wrt help - I don't know anyone who had even parents or relatives popping in, let alone someone staying for days at a stretch. My mum flew to the US when DD4 was born and got marooned because of 9/11. That was the most help I had, ever. DD4 was my fifth baby. I muddled through with the rest of them. ExMIL came for a few days after DD1 was born and nearly drove me up the wall.

I think some kinds of 'help' are more likely to contribute to post natal mental illness than being allowed to figure things out by yourself.

Your H's commute is ridiculous and not sustainable. You should consider moving closer to his work, or you are going to become incredibly resentful at the lack of co-parenting.

@Northernparent68 I know what you are saying, but well, if things go South in future, we will act. I prefer to believe it will not come to this as she DOES want us to be a happy family, she is just extremely overenthusiastic about her first and so far only grandchild, knowing the other two brothers are highly unlikely to fulfil her dreams of a big family.

@mathanxiety My partner wants to change jobs, so moving is not great as we don't know where he will end up, and I could work pretty much anywhere, but will go part time in a few months time.
Again, maybe things are different for you,. have figured out a lot for myself and the current solution is by no means permanent. I don't know what your pregnancies, births and babies were like, maybe they were easier than mine, maybe not. I don't want to be judged because I asked for help as I know I needed it and it gives me strength to do more things with my baby rather than being permanently stressed, tired and irritated

It sounds to me as if both you and your MiL want to have a happy and loving relationship with one another and your baby. And you're well on the way to having that because you're sane, sensible people and listen to one another.

For what it's worth I think it's fabulous that she's prepared to put her life aside for half the week to help and support you and I think you know that. Families always used to look after one another, it's so nice to know some of them still do.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle

As a grandma that would be my worst nightmare, that is not normal thinking.
That would mean my child and their partner were struggling to be a full time parents. It would be heart breaking and something I haven't even thought about.

I think about buying a new storybook to read to my dgd or see an outfit she'll look nice in or see a restaurant deal my DD and her partner might like and I'll baby sit.

That really is a worrying thought pattern.

So glad that you have talked and that this process has helped to clarify your thoughts.

Sometimes writing it down and thrashing it out makes you realise what you want and what the real thing bugging you actually is.

So enjoy your baby and enjoy someone cook for you (I'd love someone to cook for me)

Sorry, just read your updates.

Sounds like you will all work it out for the best.

TO come back on some of the points.

@mathanxiety usually unfortunately we can't afford to go private. I once in my life had to resort to a private visit to get a second opinion, without any need of tests etc. But if we have to, we will eat cardboard for a month to be able to squeeze some money out to treat the little dude.
We did not want to change the formula just like that because he likes the current one and is not loosing weight, so we are apprehensive of making such a big change without being sure what it is that upsets him.
In terms of bolting the door, she would have realised what and why we do it. I would only do it with someone who REALLY does not get the point.
She did tell me this morning she wanted to rush in when she heard the baby have a colic attack at night, but then she thought better of it and let us deal with it on our own, so really having a chat was all we needed.
Anyways, I do feel a lot more relaxed and rested with MIL taking care of some of the stuff, like helping with dinner, washing the bottles, or holding the baby for a bit when he cries for hours on end. For me, it would only contribute to mental health issue if I hated her presence, which I don't. Sitting cooped up in ones room with no help and a screaming newborn however...

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In terms of the comment about bringing up our boy, I also know that it is not very uncommon in her home country to have parents give their children to grandparents to take care of while they go off to work in a different city, region or even country for economical reasons. We are well off enough not to resort to it, but I think now that' was her way to say she wants to help if we are overwhelmed, which we probably seemed in the first week after the hospital (which was a very exhausting itself).

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Well anyhoo, while I know things will occasionally be difficult and we will have arguments about the baby, but for now we found a Netflix series we can both watch- MIL is in love with The Crown and excited about each next episode, so we can both relax as the baby is asleep in the morning for the first time in many, many days!

Why does she live with you?