To be upset with MIL over my baby

[LadyRenoir]

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

People get worried about every little thing when they get older. My MIL is like this and so is my mother. I would never have considered asking them to help out regularly, let alone 4 days a week! This is a huge ask and your MIL has probably wound herself up completely. She needs to go back home and you need to learn to cope on your own.

Being a first time grandmother I totally get the baby fever. Try to think her behaviour in a positive way😁 and tell her how you feel as kindly as possible. I am absolutely crazy about my gd it's so weird I love her so much it's crazy. I think my d & sil are useless😁and the urge to interfere is over whelming. I have to remember how much my lovely mil advice used to annoy me. Good luck xxx

I’m probably a bit late to the party and i apologise but I haven’t read the full thread, I don’t have any advice regarding Mum in law however
Please please get your little one assessed for a tongue tie - lots of babies are treated for reflux when in fact the reflux is caused by a tongue tie which can be snipped (it really is such a small procedure) and can cure the problem (I am not saying that reflux isn’t caused by a tie in every case but I would always suggest to explore that avenue before embarking on giving them medicine)

My initial thought is that your MIL is from a Mediterranean background (as mine was) am I correct? If so this needs to be dealt with by your partner and it should stop.
She should also move out and you need to get on with it. If she/you pick up the baby every time he cries you may both be a bit over-attentive and he is used to it.
You can’t have it both ways. Either you want her to live with you or you don’t. Work it out in your own mind and then have a word with your partner.

I haven't rtht but just to add cranial osteopathy was amazing with my sons reflux and I know ow many other mums who have used it for other issues.
I hope it works for your Ds.

She sounds just like her lol! I loved that book!

OP, you sound lovely and I really love how you have tried to talk to your MIL gently. And it sounds like that you actually got her on board more now and managed to explain it without alienating her. Having family members from a non-western background, I read her offer to raise your kid with slightly less alarm because it is more common in some cultures. I think the best way forward is to use the same approach whenever she oversteps boundaries. Hopefully, once the reflux and/or other potential issues is addressed things will get easier and you won’t be as reliant on help.

Our twins were prem and had issues similar and we did osteopathy and it really helped the worst of the two with horrendous colic which would cause him to cry in agony for 2-3 hours every night. It helped both babies with reflux as it realigned them to the position they should be in. We did however end up at the paediatrician at the hospital and they put them both on nutramigen for 12 months which stopped the reflux completely.

I would tell her butt out!!

Hi OP, I'm sorry I have not had a chance to read your whole thread - I just wanted to say if you can afford it I highly recommend Cranial Oestopathy for reflux. Tight neck muscles put pressure on nerves going into the stomach - BUPA recognised it as a medical issue and paid for cranial for my son. I recommend seeing a cranial pesto path if you can find one - they have oesto training and then further cranial training.
My son was born premature and put into the special baby unit for 24-36hours. He's 11 now and I have only recently learnt that with children birth difficulties can increase the chance of their infant reflexes not going dormant. For example, my son (and his twin sister) was born by an emergency C section - going down the birth canal triggers a reflex which ultimately results in a child learning crawling skills and something if this stage is missed it can cause issues. There are other things too like my son was tube fed at first, which for him meant his feeding reflexes weren't triggered properly. Its nothing to be alarmed about and nothing to worry about now - but if you find as your son gets older he is having issues such as anxiety, or sleep problems, or is a very fussy eater - you may find it helpful to google infant reflexes not going dormant. Problems at birth don't always result in infant reflexes not going dormant - it just increases the chance. And it can be resolved by the child doing some right/left brain exercises. I hope you don't mind mentioning this - its just I noticed your son went into the special unit too and I wished someone had told me this after my son was born.
Re your mother'n'law - I feel your pain. One thing I realised when it happened to me, is that I had invited my m'n'law into our lives to help us - and then she quite naturally felt part of the family and then because of this understandably developed opinions. It does sound though that your m'n'law is unfortunately even more unhinged than mine! I suspect you can explain boundaries to her....but sounds like she doesn't have any - and she might struggle to get them. After years of my m'n'law breaking boundaries - my husband ended up taking our house key off her and she's not allowed to have access to our house unsupervised. We ended up getting an aupair when my children were small and my m'n'law came for day visits. Good luck.

My MIL was like this. Different culture to me, different understanding of grandparents role. she raised my DH while living with his grandparents and accepting all their advice.

We don't live with them, so I could get away, but she was very involved and our previously lovely relationship became difficult. In her culture, its grandparents duty to help with child rearing and a new grandchild is as much the 'property' of grandparents as parents. The idea that new parents need to work it out for themselves would seem mad!

I was spitting teeth for my sons first year but tried to respect this relationship. Got through it by presenting united front with DH on bits that mattered - no intervening or taking baby (out of my hands!!) when we're dealing with crying etc. Listened to their views but we're in charge of diet, med treatment, timing of big milestones. I'm now a confident mum and we've found our way - so will you!

The night barging in sounds like your main boundary to set now. 'So grateful for help but will ASK when we need in the night. Baby is not in pain and we need to learn how to soothe...'?

Ps more than 2 years on and we still have regular hiccups but the support is AMAZING

Omg! I’m reading your story and feel completely suffocated for you!
She’s over stepping the mark, and almost ruining a relationship with you all together.
What she’s doing and saying is completely unacceptable behaviour. It’s nice that you respect her, BUT...she has to respect you and your parenting too.
I would have a very nice but firm conversation basically saying how much you think of her, and value her help, HOWEVER the things she’s saying and doing (if applicable) are making you very unhappy and uncomfortable.
You are definitely not in the wrong for expecting her to respect your position as first time parents. I’m surprised she has 8 children , because she’s acting like your husband and you are the only son and daughter in law. Good luck.

OP you sound lovely to me, hopefully now that you have cleared the air things will settle down. I completely understand what you mean about being isolated and therefore needing some company and support.

Lots of us, me included, would hate the idea of someone staying with us so much,. However most of use would have a string of visitors coming in and out to keep us sane. I know I had close family, extended family, work colleagues and friends trailing in and out for weeks. It must be very hard for you to have literally no one.

I hope the reflux improves. My dd's turned out to be due to cows milk protein allergy. Keep a close eye on nappies, skin, weight gain, etc and record this info down in a diary format to see if there is a pattern of symptoms that may lean towards something else, like the CMPA that we had. My other dd 'just' had reflux which was easily sorted with carobel to thicken her milk. It is so hard dealing with an unsettled baby, you have my sympathy! Good luck

@ladyrenoir I feel for you! And just wanted to suggest you keep your baby angled as much as possible as it may be he’s come to associate being flat with burning access d reflux pain - so tuck a pillow under the oram mattress, cot mattress, etc - a mum in my postnatal group had a baby with terrible reflux who could not be put flat as she either had horrible or anticipated pain so she would scream in terror. Also cranial osteopathic treatment may help so good luck!

Ok I haven't read all the comments so sorry if I'm repeating things. My first baby was a shock to the system and he didn't have reflux. He did have bad colic and that was bad enough, I couldn't have coped mentally if it wasn't for the fact my dh worked earlier and was back by lunch and also needed very little sleep! Please ignore those who are saying you shouldn't need help.
Re the sleep situation, my sister bought a special pillow thing that meant she could co sleep safely and it was a godsend. Baby felt permanently close to her but was safe and they both slept well.
As for the mil thing, I think your own idea about talking to her yourself is the best course. Good luck xx

I agree. Ranitadine helped our son loads. Easy to give and after a few days really kicks in and made him happy again. Be insistent with the GP.

This is soooo many kinds of not OK - Yes dp needs to stand up to his mother - he could say 'Mother, I want you to trust that how you've raised me means that I and my partner are more than capable of raising a happy, healthy child. If you cannot trust the way that you've raised me then that is your issue and we will no longer allow you to sabotage our wellbeing, particularly as this impacts on our effectiveness as the best possible parents for OUR child'. And then close down any further speeches with 'we've got this, thank you'. And reinforce with terminating calls, visits etc. Some people will not back down until they experience that their 'help' will not be tolerated. Good luck, don't give up, this will only get worse unless dealt with now.

I speak with authority being a Gran for the past 11 years. Tell her to FEK OFF SHES INTERFERING XXX

Put a bolt on your bedroom door so she can’t get in when the baby cries. I can’t believe she thinks it’s ok to burst into your room!

@Missuseff - he is actually fine sleeping at night. He just hates being put don on his own, like you can't leave him for more than 15 seconds before he gets hysterical. The reflux is a different thing- I can see when it bothers him and feeds are now so long as we need to interrupt after each ounce or ounce and a half, so it does not come up, and it still hurts him.
@Moomin15 - our GP will not prescribe Ranitidine :/ The paediatrician in hospital also refused, they think that as long as he is gaining weight we have nothing to worry about.
@Frazzledmum123 thank you. I am so grateful to MIL for hanging around, even so that I can have a cup of tea or shower, and just someone to talk to. Going out with the baby was such a scary prospect for a long time, because of the crying, being scared of how he will react with feeding in a cafe or whatever. DO you know what that pillow looks like or what it was called?
@MissDuke I think I would be fine on my own if baby was more settled, but like this it can be overwhelming at times- hope he settles a bit once he hits 3 months. Me and MIL give each other space now too, as I think she needs it too, and it's fine for either of us to have time to ourselves rather than sitting cooped up together.
I was looking into CPMA, but he does not seem to have other symptoms except for reflux, and dry skin on scalp which can be due to heating, and we were told it's too early for testing against it. When did your baby get diagnosed with it?
@greatpotential yeah night visits ended after out conversation, she accepted we need to do some stuff on our own and her interventions are not helping. We do have different views (f.ex. she was not very happy with me giving gaviscon to baby as a trial, as she did not give medicine to her babies- I told her my DP not his brothers never had reflux, so of course she never had give them anything!). She was then mumbling something about difficulties of weaning children off gaviscon, which I think she mixed up with something else- but she does accept that I made a decision on looking into medication and she does not have a say. Well, she can have an opinion, but not decision. I am actually confident in doing what I want, I was just fed up with her need to comment upon what we decided with my partner.
@ittakes2 - My son was premature and fed with a tube as well! It completely ruined breastfeeding and made the first week so, so difficult. I would like to find a cranial osteopath, but a good one, as I know some are, well, not great, but have not so far succeeded on getting hold of one. Signed up for a baby massage course first in the meantime.
@JanKind - I do for now need her help, for my sanity if nothing else. I know how to cope with the baby and have done so completely on my own for 4 dark weeks. If oyu never had a baby with colic and reflux, then you would not understand, so it's all good telling people to get on with it and figure things on their own- I have figured things out, probably better than MIL after those weeks. Out of curiosity- do you let your baby just cry it out? Of course we pick him up when he cries, as at this stage he can't soothe himself and needs comforting.
@mathanxiety I dont want to mess around with formula without conforming anything- we already changed formula once (as he was constipated on the previous one). If we change it again (and the lactose free ones and it does nothing, it will just mess around with his gut, and GP was not recommending changing formula since baby is gaining weight well. I think we will wait until he is a bit older so we can test against intolerances/allergies, as apparently now the results will not show much as he is too little. It may be that the reflux will go off on its own once his digestive system matures... We have actually seen the paediatrician, and they asked us to come in 2 months for a review, but told us to continue what we are doing, so no help there either.
The one thing I did consider is reflux formula, so will ask about it in my next visit to GP- they will be fed up seeing me every week but hey!

@perfectstorm thank you so much for this! I knew it was not right.
@GreenTulips - please read perfectstorm's info on the previous page, may be quite enlightening to you.

@ladyrenoir ah ok, still wish you all the best, my sister live in another country and had her first baby 5 weeks ago. I think it can be easy for those of us who “survived” the early months to forget how overwhelming it was. You must do what works for you!

I have just asked and it was called sleepy head delux www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_sc_1_12?sprefix=sleepy+head+&crid=389YICFQ06ZVZ&k=sleepyhead+deluxe&tag=mumsnetforum-21

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