To be upset with MIL over my baby

[LadyRenoir]

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

She doesn't - sigh.

'well let you know what we decide'

Short. Sharp. to the point!

First the reflux

Get the babies head above stomach AT ALL TIMES this will stop the acid rising and burning their windpipe

What's wrong with sleeping with baby on the sofa? I did it all the time.

I managed 3 under 2 - so no idea where you get the idea you can't cop alone - if you believe that why shouldn't MIL

Sleeping with baby on the sofa is a big risk factor for SIDS.

@GreenTulips you are missing the point completely- she is not criticising us because we can't cope, she is criticising our parenting choices re his health, and that started before we even asked if she would like to help us out.
At any rate, Im happy you must have had easier babies than myself and was better health, good for you.
Sleeping with the baby on a sofa is dangerous btw.

Sounds like your MIL has a point

What's wrong with sleeping with baby on the sofa? I did it all the time

I personally know someone who's baby died because she fell asleep with her on the sofa. She got wedged in between the Mum and the arm of the sofa and suffocated.

GreenTulips you must be a charmer in real life!
Anyways, have a nice evening.

Get the babies head above stomach AT ALL TIMES this will stop the acid rising and burning their windpipe

That doesn't work for adults, so I rather doubt that it works automatically for babies.

There's a vast difference between not coping and needing a little help.

It really is terrible to advise a new mother to give up part of her support simply because you had none.

Good to hear you were able to talk to her about this OP. Hopefully, she takes it on board.

And for fuck's sake, Green never advise anyone to sleep on the sofa with a baby.

Now, MIL actually lives with us 4 days a week.

Why??

Read the thread.

My daughter has reflux, which was diagnosed at 3 months. She is on omeprazole, ranitidine and we moved to neocate formula at 5 months when it was clear removing dairy from my diet was not enough and my breast milk was making it worse. All the above made a massive difference, but she still had digestive problems. The cranial osteopath was a life saver... helped so much with trapped wind and got her pooping more regularly. My advice would be to definitely give it a go if you think she has wind/tummy issues alongside reflux. All they do is gently massage the baby and it helps them relax. Your mil is worrying unnecessarily! But we went private to get her medical treatments, and I would suggest prioritising that first if you can stretch to it.

kaytee87 oh my god.

You could buy a tin of alternative formula and try it for a few days. If there is a reduction of symptoms, you would have possibly found out for yourselves what the issue is and at least you would have found a way to get some rest, potentially a way to get DS to take a daytime nap lying down.

Or if MIL really wanted to help, maybe she could fork over some money so you could get a Paed appointment? How much is is costing her to travel to and from your house? How much is it costing you to put her up? If she is paying her own way, it might work out better for all of you if she would contribute to the cost of a doctor's appointment.

You should consider ready made formula for nighttime feedings anyway, even if you stick with what you are feeding DS, because you don't need to faff around at night making up a bottle - this will help you feel more rested.

@mathanxiety
It often isn't easy to change a baby to milk free formula. Unless the baby us very young, they usually need to be eased into it as it has such a (disgusting) strong flavour. There are also different levels of milkfree formulas.

Neocate is the totally milk free formula. Neutrimogen (sp?) is lactose free I think? It isn't as hypoallergenic as Neocate. Also, the benefits may not be fully seen for a couple of months. I didn't notice any difference for at least a couple of weeks tbh.

This is a very young baby though.

I would worry about reflux more than whether a baby would cope with a strong flavour.

All in all, I think dealing with the reflux should be the first priority here, even if it means the parents living on toast for a few weeks. The GP will not budge, and cranial osteopathy is going to be costly and possibly not the answer either. They really should do their utmost to get the baby to a paediatrician.

I am not sure if milk allergy testing can be done with a baby so young, apart from noting symptoms. Both of my sisters were put on goats' milk as babies, way back in the 60s, because they both developed eczema in their first weeks on cow's milk formula. There was no other testing done on them.

www.isitcowsmilkallergy.co.uk/en-gb/getting-my-baby-diagnosed/cma-or-lactose-intolerance
Info on CMA for the OP, in case she hasn't already seen this.

Glad you resolved your issue with MIL. My DD and her husband found their baby girl difficult in the early months. Eventually they realised she was lactose intolerant so switched formula which helped. She was also a baby who needed holding a lot so me and her MIL helped out a lot in the early months. Her husband was also around a lot more than yours is so don't feel bad about needing support. Luckily we all live local so just took the baby for a few hours while they slept. They got through it though and my DGD is now 2.5 and my DD expecting her second in May. I hope you sort the reflux out soon

Glad you managed to resolve things and you mil took your comments on board it is really hard being a mil,you remember things that worked with your own children and think it will work with another but that is not always the case.You seem to be able to communicate well with her and I think that is all that is needed.There is no need to argue to put your point across and am glad you understand she only wants to help.

She offered to raise your son for you.... RED FLAG. She needs a time out. DP needs to have a word. Do it as soon as possible the longer you leave it the worse it will get trust me I know this from personal experience why my mil.

What's wrong with sleeping with baby on the sofa? I did it all the time.

1. The Lullaby Trust (the SIDS prevention charity in the UK) say: Never sleep on a sofa or in an armchair with your baby. Sleeping on a sofa or in an armchair with your baby is one of the most high-risk situations for them. Studies have found that sharing a sofa or armchair with a baby whilst you both sleep is associated with an extremely high risk of SIDS. Elsewhere on their site, they say it is estimated to increase SIDS risk by fifty times.

2. My Baby Died After We Slept On The Sofa (BBC article, to highlight how dangerous this is)

3. There are some circumstances in which you should never try to co-sleep with your baby, because of the increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). The most dangerous of these is falling asleep on a sofa or armchair with your baby, because of the increased risk of your baby overheating and suffocating.

4. Sleeping on a Sofa Can Be Deadly To Babies

5. New recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, along with a new study published in the journal Pediatrics, underscore the dangers of certain sleep environments for babies under 1 year old—especially sofas and comfy chairs, which pose an “extraordinarily high risk of infant death,” according to the new guidelines.

I'm happy to provide additional information if you would like it. Advice alters as science develops and knowledge increases - they halved SIDS deaths in five years with the Back To Sleep campaign, for example.

Your tone to the OP in this thread is really unpleasant. I feel really sad if that reflects how you speak to your children and their partners about their choices. How difficult that must be for them.

I had to be super rude to get the message thru to my ils it eventually worked and now they more or less know their boundaries there is still the odd slip up but I’ve relaxed a bit more too

You’ve moved your MIL in 4 days a week and conditioned her to think you need constant support.

Move her back out and learn that babies are needy but you can manage!