To be upset with MIL over my baby

[LadyRenoir]

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

The thing is if she’s always there and you don’t have to cope alone then how do you know if you can manage or not? I think you should try asap as it sounds like the additional responsibilities falling on her are triggering some kind of stress and anxiety reaction in her.

Agree with others, by inviting her to live with you for over half the week you are effectively telling her that you can't cope.

So therefore you can't be surprised when she acts like you can't cope and errors about things.

Op, read the first sentence of your original post. Would someone like that be creating these “harm” scenarios where she has to “protect” your child at every turn? I don’t think you can trust her.

LadyRenoir

I don't actually understand why you have so much respect for someone (to the point of not standing up to them when needed), when she seems to have none for you or even her own son.

I would be worried if my ds wanted to use cranial ostropathy on my grandson- if I had one. It’s potentially dangerous quackery.

But you have to decide whether you want her to stay because you need the help or you want your privacy. You can’t have both!

First thing tomorrow ...... A lock on your bedroom door....and use it !!

Regarding reflux... My dgs 10 months, has/had reflux. Gp gave him the usual gaviscon which did no good. DIL asked for dairy free milk prescription but gp said it wasn't necessary and was too expensive.

DIL paid (£250) privately to see a Pediatrician and he gave the prescription for dairy free milk with a letter to gp to ensure the prescription was continued. We avoid giving dgs dairy, no cheese, yoghurt, milk - and he is so much better. No reflux and he eats anything that isn't nailed down.

The longer you have your MiL in the house, the more it is going to feed your belief that you need her help, and the more difficult it is going to be to get her to go back home. Quite apart from laying down the law about coming into your room, I'd suggest you start by cutting her down to three days next week, then two days a couple of weeks after that, then stopping her staying overnight altogether.

Do you have any leath issues, mental or physical?

If not then of course you can cope alone!

I don't understand why she stays over, does she live far away? Sorry if you've already said this.

I think you need to try and have a few weeks on your own to establish a routine (routine is a very bad word for life with a new baby but y'known what I mean!). I found once my partner went back to working away I had more of a drive to get stuff sorted, I was more aware of possible issues including his skin, tummy problems, sickness & weight gain etc. When i'm on my own I get stuff done quicker and can think more clearly, god knows why. House tidier, son sorted, plans made etc. When I have other adults around I do a lot of faffing and contemplating what to do. My son cried a lot but I had to fight the GP for about a 2 months to get the right meds. He changed so bloody much once he was on the right dose of ranitidine & neonate DF formula. I just knew he was not right, it really brought me down but with the right medication/cranial osteopathy?? It will help you cope better alone. You can go to your MIL's every day if you want to but set boundaries.

Next I think you need to stop running your decisions about your baby to your MIL, this is difficult to do when she lives there which is why I think she needs to go. If you think cranial osteopathy will help then go for it, we tried so many different meds/creams/lotions/milk with my son and that can also be harmful. You just need to take action, when you rule one thing out you can move onto the next until you figure out what works for you all. If you get it wrong then that's fine too. No one need know about it or shame you for it.

Thank you all for your comments. To clear some things up, it is highly unlikely MIL is cooking up aything malicious. @Notmorewashing guessed right, she is Asian and it is just a part of culture she was brought up in (9 siblings, no private space as everyone under one roof, parents bossing kids around, cult of the family, being super religious).

Also, she has not been with us since the beginning, only temporarily moved in last week.

The beginnings after the birth were super difficult for us, I spent a week in the hospital with the baby. Apart from reflux there are other issues. I was on my own for four weeks after my partner's paternity finished. I was exhausted and on the verge of depression, having slept 3 hours a day or less, doing both day and night shifts with the baby, feeding, washing and sterilising the bottles. Baby cries when not sleeping, and sleeps not great at night and hardly at all during the day (yesterday did not sleep from 4 am until 6 pm), unless in the sling- so no sleep for me whichever way as I cant sleep on the sofa with him on the sling. I was not able to breastfeed (a heartbreak) and then tried to express as much as possible- which ended up impossible as have to hold the baby in my hand at all times (heartbreak number two- this one hit me harder I think, as I was very proud for the first weeks to at least express ta good amount).

Loosing milk, plus the fact my own mum, who we have a very strong relationship with, had a stroke last year and is now a shell dependant on 24 hour care, lives far away and I cant even be with her, made me feel very vulnerable. It has always been a plan she would come and help me the first weeks after pregnancy. She is, like me, a private person and I know if she lived with us we would not have any of the issues we have with MIL. I know some mums probably could cope better than me, but I dont know how. Maybe with easier babies it's not so difficult, our however needs a bit more TLC and quite frankly, there is only as long as you can go on with no sleep, food and a baby crying so much you end up crying yourself.

The past week with MIL has been a bit of a blessing in a way it was amazing to have an hour nap during the day and someone helping to soothe him, plus I must admit she is very good with babies and has a way to make him sleep which I think I need to film, as it works quite well.

The downside is her overbearing presence and thinking she knows everything, which she does not (my baby is bottle fed, which she never has done, so she does not get why we do certain things around feeding that need to be done). I do realise I cant have a cake and eat it though.

Partner was very supportive of me. I think as he knows her well, he is used to certain things she is doing, like her coming into the room without even knocking, apparently she has been doing it all their lives to him and his siblings! He has offered to speak to her, although I told him I was fine doing it today, so that mine and her relationship is not ruined. It will probably turn into a huge argument, but hey, he insists, so I will let him handle it. And at worst, I think we will have to ask her to move back. She did say in the past she will only stay as long as I need her, so it's not like she wants to stay with us forever.

On a different note, most of people I know had a parent or sibling helping out with the baby, so I am surprised to see quite a few people mentioned it's not necessary!

@PonderLand MIL does not live close, so can't just pop in for a few hours here and there, otherwise that would be what we would have done. She lives a few hours away, so it's easier for her/us to come for a few days and then go back take care or her house.

Oh, also while we can bolt ourselves in, she usually comes to our bedroom when I make the bottle for the baby and my partner is asleep, so the door is not locked.

You need to learn how to cope I'm afraid.
Your case is not unique nor different to many women. I think allowing your MIL this much power over everything now is asking for it later on. From her perspective she has been invited into your home to be a third parent and then one day you'll just take that away from her. Will you do the same with baby number 2? Will you keep running back and asking her to be involved again whenever times are hard? That really isn't fair on her

While I know I am not unique in my situation, I also know it is not unique to receive help from family members and friends, but unfortunately as my family lives in a different country and we know no one in our area, MIL was the only option. I am not ashamed I need help and don't feel like it's 'running back when things get difficult',and I don;t get why it it deemed being seen as incompetent to receive help or ask for it when needed- it's such view that increases mental health issues in the country.

Just to add, it's reflux now but it'll be something else next. Teething, sleep regression, night terrors, growth spurts etc. Mines 1 and what i would class as a good sleeper now, but we still have weeks where he won't sleep due to one reason or another.
It's exhausting and yes you will cry. Lots. But the reason your MIL is so good with babies is through practice and patience. Best thing you can do is find a way to cope without her then you can enjoy her visits instead of dreading them.

Op there is nothing wrong with needing help with a newborn. Generations ago people would have had their mums/mils/sisters etc helping as people lived more closely together.
I'm sorry about your Mum, that must be really upsetting for you
The only thing I can suggest with your mil is that next time she says something upsetting about the baby could you explain to her how sad it makes you that she would think that etc? From your updates she doesn't sound like a bad sort and maybe if she knew it was upsetting you she'd stop?
Your dh will have to mention to her about coming into the room I think.

Oh and defo ask the gp for omeprazole.

No one said asking or getting help is seen as incompetent. I'm someone who has one of these mental health condition you speak of so please don't start explaining them to me.
If you want something to change then you need to do something. Learn to cope, hire a nanny, tell your MIL to back off and hope she does, either way you need to do something now before it goes too far.

She needs to go home-you will never feel in charge of your own baby whilst she is in your house and thinks you can’t cope without her.

You will cope on your own-plenty of people do!

You need to get her out of your house and establish clear boundaries. Babies cry, there’s no sleep in the early days, unfortunately it’s pretty normal and most people just ride it out. In this day and age most people don’t have family support due to distance, parents still working, parents having other commitments etc. I would normally say you are super lucky to be one of the rare instances where you do have support but clearly that support is completely batshit crazy so it needs to go pronto.

Also, I don’t understand why the NHS would recommend cranial osteopathy over omeprazole in this situation, I am completely and utterly baffled. You don’t need a compounded suspension, get a hospital pharmacist or someone with half a clue to show you how to use the tablets for paeds. You can disperse and dose correctly if someone shows you, it’s a few minutes of facing around but the liquid is not as effective as tablets, it’s not as stable and loses effectiveness over the very short shelf-life. One of mine has been on it since they were a week old (they were commenced on it in hospital), it’s great stuff for paeds and reflux.

Whereabouts are you? I'd be concerned that having her around all the time is actually stopping you getting out and about and getting to know other parents local to you.

Glad to see that you are understanding the balance.

But to give perspective I don't know a single person, and run toddler groups etc, who had another adult stay to help with the baby. Including people whose partners were away for months at a time with toddlers.

Having a baby is really tough physically and mentally.
But perhaps it will help to realise that what you are experiencing, baby being held constantly, not sleeping etc is normal and is what everybody is experiencing

@kaytee87 @SharronNeedles- a few people seemed surprised why I needed help to begin with, while I never thought it was unusual.

The arrangement was never meant to be permanent, which both sides knew. As the grandparents live far away, it was meant to be a nice way for her to spend time with the baby and me get a tiny bit of rest after an exhausting week in hospital and difficult start. I think next baby would be easier as we are now learning a lot and I know I will cope better.

Also, unfortunately my GP is a wimp who refuses to prescribe anything but gaviscon, stating at the same time it would not work as it hardly ever does, and we get fobbed off every time we turn up.

End of the line is, we get on well with my MIL despite all the things I wrote. She is helpful, can keep a clear head when I get emotional, and I think she does not mean bad-it's just the way she is and she is trying to be helpful by making sure everything goes well. It's just sometimes things get a bit too much for me, but I do want to have a good relationship with her.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she is the GRANDmother, not the mother. Its nice that shr loves ypur son so much but everything that you havr outlined there would horrify me. Tell her to take a step back and let you and ypur partner parent your child. Your dc already has two parents, he doesnt need another that is not wanted.

@HoppingPavlova - see, my experience is different- most people I know had help around with their baby in one way or another, whether it's friends of mine or parents in the children centre- for a long time I was being the only one who was doing everything on my own. I think I would manage better if my partner was around more, but he leaves home before 6am and we are lucky to see him before 8 pm, and he also needs to sleep to go to work, so both of us get no break from whatever we do. Im happy for parents who manage that on their own with no help, I almost fell asleep with the baby in my arms on the sofa a few times and that freaked me out.

As I said above, NHS has been a huge letdown, with 3 GPs and a hospital consultant pretty much telling us we have to wait until the reflux passes, and we have another appointment in three months time to monitor this in hospital, so they pretty much hope they will not have to treat him. We want to rule out cows milk allergy, but that again has been refused by each person we spoke to, despite the baby having some of the symptoms. So on top of being tired, I am mighty upset that we are kind of left like this, hoping the reflux will go sooner rather than later.

@GnotherGnu - oh MIL is not stopping me from going out meeting people. Going out in itself is challenging though, as he cries in the pram, cried when put in the pram, cries when being taken out, so venturing into cafes makes me want to buy and distribute earplugs to all customers :)

Hmmm, you have invited her to live with you for 4/7 days a week because you can’t cope and are then complaining because she seems to view you as not coping. I can see where the confusion has come from!