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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with MIL over my baby

174 replies

LadyRenoir · 04/03/2018 20:02

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 04/03/2018 21:11

Sorry - quick one as short on time. Not to do with your aibu, but on the reflux - gaviscon is shite as you have found out (and a nightmare if bf'ing) Most reflux babies respond well to either ranitidine or omeprezole. Cranial osteopathy is, in my opinion (and contrary to many I'm sure) is bunkum peddled by those looking to take advantage of desperate parents. I was one and fell for it and ended up a few hundred pounds lighter and a baby that was totally unchanged. It's harmless, they basically just hold the babies head for a bit! Put it in the homepathy box. If that's your bag then fair do's, but get a second GP opinion and inisist on ranitidine if your baby is really suffering. Plus wear in a sling, espcially after a feed (keep upright for a good 30 mins after feeding) Prop up head of cot so they are sleeping with head higher than feet... and buy a fuck ton of muslins!

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 04/03/2018 21:14

She sounds a bit nutty very overbearing.

GummyGoddess · 04/03/2018 21:14

You didn't mention she was living there, she cannot barge into the bedroom of a couple when they're in it! Has she no boundaries? What if you were having sex and the baby happened to wake up, would she get into the bedroom before you were able to adjust and pick up the baby? I'm sure your DH and MIL don't want that to happen, it would be mortifying.

She needs to leave before it gets any worse. Maybe thank her for all her help, take her out to lunch as a present? Then no more staying over.

With regards to the cranial, it did help DC be a bit more settled and revealed his silent reflux. I'm not sure it helped the reflux but he did seem happier and more relaxed afterwards.

FrozenMargarita17 · 04/03/2018 21:16

The problem is you'll find it difficult to put boundaries in place if you're inviting her to your house 4 days a week. She sees this as permission to behave the way she does. She is with him a lot of the time! No wonder she's blurring lines here.

CheshireSplat · 04/03/2018 21:16

Can you tell her there will be no second grandchild if she keeps barging into your room!!!!

KoshaMangsho · 04/03/2018 21:18

Are you living with my MIL? Except she came from India and was incredibly helpful and kind. But again the birth seemed to have sparked off some kind of anxiety/flashbacks to her PND. She would call up friends in India and run things past them and say ‘so and so said X is normal’ (not it wasn’t). It got better as he got older and she realised that a) we really would do things our way b) that he was thriving in our care.
In our case she did return home so the distance was easier.

KoshaMangsho · 04/03/2018 21:19

And she also did the barging into our room. All the bloody time.

Laiste · 04/03/2018 21:24

Dear MIL, your help has been invaluable over the early days, and we thank you so much. We've loved having you here so much and you've helped enormously but we both feel though that it's important we stand on our own feet now and look forward to parenting just the two of us. Obviously we'll still be seeing plenty of you still with baby! Perhaps we can all get together again next weekend ............ ?

Notmorewashing · 04/03/2018 21:25

Is she from an African or Asian background ? This behaviour is quite normal.

She is over stepping the mark but by inviting her into your house you have made her very close to home and invited some of this behaviour. You will have to get her to gently move back out and cope without or put up with the comments.

OlennasWimple · 04/03/2018 21:28

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. That your DH needs to set out and help enforce.

Otherwise you will end up like the Philippa Gregory book "The Little House"

MotherofaSurvivor · 04/03/2018 21:31

Ranitidine or Liquid Omeprazole. They don't like prescribing liquid Omeprazole as it costs NHS a bloody fortune to make and is made specially. Also takes a few days. But it works wonder for reflux x

RavenclawRealist · 04/03/2018 21:32

You need her to leave I know it will be difficult for multiple reasons but while she is there to her you are reinforcing the fact you need her and her opinions!

As for the cranial osteopathy I have known a few people try it and it hasn't worked for them! Not saying it doesn't work for some but it's definitely hit and miss! To wonder as you and your partner are about the effectiveness is fair! But it won't do any harm! All I can suggest is that you become s pain in the gps behind! Keep on as much as possible till they take action you are entitled to a second opinion! Personally I would move MIL back home and then focus on getting the drs to listen! Good luck Flowers

MrsMozart · 04/03/2018 21:36

Yikes. Your OH needs to tell her to bob off.

Cranial osteopathy - I had one session for DD2 after a reasonably quick birth. Worked wonders. Went from crying and as stiff as a board to being a lot more relaxed and soft.

HurtyAtThirty · 04/03/2018 21:37

Cranial osteopathy worked wonders for DDs reflux, she didn’t twist out properly at birth so her stomach opening was slightly misaligned, hence her milk just came straight back up. We found after a session there was no sickness until she had a growth spurt and then we just had a quick realignment and all was great.
It also helped with a bit of flat head syndrome DD had and where one of her cheeks was slightly higher and squished on one side of her face

ClemDanfango · 04/03/2018 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrwalkensir · 04/03/2018 21:44

another for cranial osteopathy here - really awful high forceps etc - eldest screamed for 6 months. Half hour of osteopathy and different child - literally deflated and stopped screaming. If it doesn't work for you, it wasn't what was needed

DistanceCall · 04/03/2018 21:45

OP, your MIL needs to live in her own home. I know you are grateful for the help, but this is extremely unhealthy. She will soon be checking your menstrual cycle and telling you when to have sex with her son so that you can conceive again.

You and your husband need to set boundaries NOW. Or else she's going to take over your child.

Gide · 04/03/2018 21:49

DP needs to talk to her about the barging in, that’s outrageous. A bolt on the door will solve that quickly. Why do you want her to stay? It sounds like you’re thoroughly fed up of her.

jcsp · 04/03/2018 22:00

You could point out that barging into the bedroom, and the worry that she might come in without notice, isn’t helping a second grand child come along speedily!

Lashalicious · 04/03/2018 22:12

To say she is overbearing would be an understatement! How will you extricate her from your lives....she is clawed in for the long haul. Feel for you, op.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/03/2018 22:12

Well to be honest, by having her live with you, you are basically saying that you can't cope and her help is essential. No wonder she is overstepping boundaries and worrying about your competency.

Lashalicious · 04/03/2018 22:13

You need to read The Little House, op. This sounds like the mil in that. Kind of alarming.

Lashalicious · 04/03/2018 22:16

The Little House by Philippa Gregory, not the children’s books!

SEsofty · 04/03/2018 22:18

Why do you need someone to help? Not being difficult but most people don't have an extra adult living with them they just get on with it.

Lashalicious · 04/03/2018 22:20

You said “we” but I don’t think that’s it. She is not acting like you and your husband are going to do something to hurt the child. She is acting like you are going to do something. She makes up these scenarios and tells her friends. She is building her case. I would ask her to leave your house. She has no reason to be living there with you, dh’s long hours or not. My dh traveled a lot when ds was tiny. No way I’d let mil (mine is a horror story) move in with us. Not saying all mils are bad, they certainly aren’t but yours sounds like she is manufacturing these scenarios out of thin air. For a reason.