To be upset with MIL over my baby

[LadyRenoir]

To give you a bit of a background, my MIL is usually a generous, warm and amazing person, super supportive. We do come however from very different backgrounds- she from a multi kids family, she has had 8 siblings herself, everyone married young, and if not match maker would be involved, etc, which crates frictions.

She has been nagging me and my partner for a grandchild for a long time, which I found very intrusive. I am personally super annoyed when people interfere with such an intimate sphere of my life, and always believed it should be between me and my partner, not our families. We did want children, but the 'subtle' "you know, you are not getting any younger" was really getting to me. My partner's sibling is nowhere near having children, neither of the two being in a relationship, so she pinned all her hopes on us, but I kind of never told her to pipe down with her comments as I respect her for a lot of other things.

Long story short, I gave birth a few months ago. MIL is in love, as we all are, as it is her first grandson and all. She does seem however to think, and lets me know, that she disapproves of our parenting, and seems like she thinks we are, in facts, idiots, and that she loves and cares for our baby more than us. She also tends to wind herself up about us possibly making a decision wrong for the baby, which we would not even consider, and then rings us to make sure we will not do it (f.ex. when he was in incubator after being born, she kept on ringing my partner to make sure we would not kidnap him from NICU (!!!) and that we would let the doctors treat him- like if we planned to stop them doing their jobs!).

The other day I mentioned we were looking into a particular treatment for him because of his reflux and she said something along the lines that she would never let us hurt the baby, although she never heard of the treatment and did not even know what it was. She then went on to say she would ask her friends about the treatment as she relies heavily on what her friends say (it's a thing she does, everything in her world is recommended by such friend or another), but disregards mine and my partner's research that we spent a lot of time on.

I think it just hurt me the most that she thinks WE would want to hurt our son by making stupid/rash decisions, and that she thinks she needs to hang around to protect him.

I actually think she sees him as almost her own son- she even told me she would be happy to take the baby away to her house and bring him up on her own if we struggle (no one asked her- we are coping fine with the baby despite having understandably some very difficult moments). I don't know if I should speak to her about it, and how to do it without hurting her feeling. Unfortunately for myself I am a person who looses sleep over things like this and I want to let her know that I am not happy with being treated like an incompetent parent. Plus she wants more than one grandchild, so she already started hinting we need to start working on another!

@Appuskidu I think you are reading things wrong. Yes I struggled, but the comments she makes have nothing to do with it, which you clearly missed from my posts.

@LadyRenoir I recognise you from the January babies thread - I hope you and your little one are doing well.

My DD is 9 weeks today, and I've had similar issues with my MIL. Not her first grandchild, but her first granddaughter after only having sons herself, and grandsons from her other boys. She was so excited about us having a girl she almost put an announcement in the paper I think.

She and I have always got on well, but she's been absolutely bonkers since we had the baby, and to be honest, she's completely alienated me. She hasn't been staying with us (thank God) but for the first few weeks she was on my case constantly about all the things I was doing wrong, and forcing her outdated views down my throat (ridiculous to have DD in our room, her boys slept 7 to 7 from 4 weeks, I need to let her cry it out, holding her wrong, winding her wrong etc etc).

The worst, though, is how she's been about my wellbeing. I was also unable to breastfeed due to blood loss after birth and having a transfusion. I have been absolutely devastated about it, inconsolable for the first few weeks, so I absolutely empathise with your feelings on that. Not only has she laughed when I've told her how upset I feel, she's also told me I'm feeding her incorrectly with the bottles (and then tries to ram the teat in her mouth when we're trying to pace feed). She also told me that if I continue to take iron and lactulose for a third degree tear I would end up with anorexia (???) and should throw my medication away. I mean...???!

In the end, I broke down to my DH and he spoke to her and told her she needed to back off. She didn't to begin with, but in the end I couldn't deal with speaking to her so I just...stopped. Now she's starting to realise that there's a new distance between us, and when we do speak, she's more measured. However, I don't think I will ever feel the same about her and I can't see a time when I'll be happy to leave DD with her (which she is desperate for).

I'm not suggesting that you withdraw like I have, but I do think you need to find a way to let her know the affect she's having on you, otherwise you run the the risk of having the relationship damaged forever.

Sending you lots and lots of good vibes. It sounds like you're doing a fab job mama xx

You have my sympathy. My mil is obsessed with my son, I would say an unhealthy amount. She lives 200 miles away and I find her involvement suffocating so I can’t even imagine what it would be like with her living with me. I understand needing help with a newborn. Mine had awful colic and reflux and didn’t stop screaming for the first 2 months of his life, but that being said it is really hard to feel in charge of your own baby when you have someone else butting in and making you feel like you are getting it all wrong with your own baby.

Please don’t beat yourself up about not breastfeeding. I couldn’t either and it’s not the end of the world. I felt very upset about it for a long time but your baby will be just fine being bottlefed.

It will get easier as your baby gets older. Obviously it is your decision but I would get mil out of your house. It sounds like she is taking on the role of a third parent rather than a grandparent and I would put up boundaries now so this doesn’t continue in future. Stay strong op. This newborn phase is hard but it will pass

To be fair the doctors may be advocating the best course of action? Is your baby FTT? If not, as unpleasant as it is reflux usually subsides when a baby starts to spend time upright. My other child was put on it at 3mths (reflux but complete FTT with it) and came off it at 12mths once they started spending the majority of time upright. My other who started it at 1 week of age is still on it as a teen but they have physiological issues where this is to be expected. So if your baby is doing well physically apart from being unsettled/in discomfort they may well be advocating this course of action on the what they feel to be the positive side of risk/benefit. Over the internet no-one would have any idea. Of course all of this only holds if it IS reflux, not if it is intolerance related.

OP, its perfectly usual to have ongoing support, yours is just unusual because of your MIL living far away, so she is staying for a length of time, ignore those saying otherwise.

A neighbour of mine had a baby that sounds similar to yours. I used to sit with him so she could have a bath and eat her breakfast. It helped her manage the rest of the day.

A lot of Posters on MN have dysfunctional relationships with their Family, leave home and don't look back.

Some of what you are experiencing, you'll have to put down to her Culture/her experience in her Family etc. You aren't going to completely change her, so work on ignoring it or letting it wash over you.

Your DH needs to have a word about her not being critical or undermining you. She won't be seeing it like that, but she has to respect your Culture and your boundaries.

You both need to speak to her about coming into the bedroom. She probably sees it as helping, you have to explain that she isn't.

Challenge the comments as they happen.

It's time to go back to the GP and insist on something else.

Your baby will be completely different in a short space of time. Its a matter of hanging in there. If having her there means that you actually enjoy your baby and the household isn't stressed, its the sensible option.

@MegRam- thank you for your kind words,. We're doing fine, with some hiccups as you can see, but I hope once we hit 3 months some of the issues will disappear, hope you and your baby girl are doing well too!
Some of the things you said also seem very similar to my MIL re feeding with the bottle. MIL used to be a nurse and kept on asking constantly why I was not breastfeeding and could not get that it was impossible.
When she helped feeding the baby (she offered and I was happy to let her so that I could express some milk) she forced the bottle into his mouth making him gag, and she kept him lying down on his back almost while feeding, which made reflux worse. I constantly had to hover over to make sure he was sitting up before she started holding him correctly :/ Again she did not mean bad, but she never fed with a bottle before, having breastfed all her sons, but she thinks she knows best anyway.

The other day we were going to hospital for the appointment and baby cried like mental when being put in the car seat (he is actually fine when in the car though). She offered to keep him in her arms during the entire 30 minute journey... She never heard that it could be unsafe and I was like O_o. I mean, we used to pull of staff like that when I was little, but that was in the 80s so slightly different times...

She is not mean though, just, well, convinced she needs to steer everyone in the right direction all the time and that we will all get lost without her guidance. Her sons and husband just let her get on with things and do their own thing and dont take it personally, for me being all hormonal and emotional it's not that easy...

Positive thoughts your way! _

You are having a tough time but for your sanity and your long term relationship with your mil you need to send her home.

Get your partner to book a week leave so you know when it is coming that you can get a break.

Also make sure you are going for a really long walk every day. Put in headphones if necessary but you and baby need to get out.

By the nature of her being in the house she inevitably is going to have opinions about things eg taking her to a hospital appointment you are asking for her to be more like a parent than a grandmother.

@HoppingPavlova Baby is gaining weight fine, so I get that they don't want to give other medication as seemingly he is doing well enough for now, although sometimes he is in so much pain he can barely finish 1 ounce of his milk, not even talking about 3 or 4 he should be having, so feeding takes forever on a bad day. I am upset they refuse to test for allergy, and at least rule it out so that we definitely know what it is/is not.

@SEsofty just to be clear- I was taking him, and she insisted on going. As she is around anyways, I felt bad telling her to stay behind the house all on her own after making the journey to stay with us. If it was mu Mum, she would definitely be coming with me, so I did not see it as bizarre. In hand sight, that was a mistake but little did I know as it was early days.

I need to add, as some of the issues stem with the way I was brought up. We were incredibly close with my Mum, but we also had our own space. She always knew when to be around and when to back off. So I did not find in unnatural for a parent to want to help out or be present a lot, and we gladly accepted MILs offer to help us out. It never before crossed my mind that this could be seen as her taking on a parental role. My friends parents helped my friends change and feed the baby- so in what way is it a weakness or sending mixed messages to let someone help you without at the same time empowering them to a role of a third parent?

Just wanted to comment on the reflux situation - there are enough comments regarding your MIL (you need to clearly articulate boundaries) / needing assistance (only you know what you need to cope as a new Mum).

My son had severe reflux, together with a slow gut and other gastro issues (also dairy and soy intolerance). Omeprazole was the only thing that helped, we paid $95 a month for the script, and it was worth every cent. I also recommend elevating the head of the crib, holding upright for at least 30 minutes after feeding, burping very well, and pace feeding. Visiting a paediatrician was also invaluable for us, as my son was also diagnosed with dairy and soy allergies (not intolerances), and needed prescription formula - we tried a new rice-based one that tastes quite nice (unlike most of the older alternative hypoallergenic formulas which smelled and tasted disgusting).

Hope some of that information helps, and I would find a different GP or a paediatrician - yours is not being helpful or proactive, and I feel (having been through the nightmare of reflux) that your child and you deserve better help and support from your doctor.

There are a lot of people on this thread who don't understand reflux. It has been linked very strongly to cows milk protein intolerance. Indeed, the paediatric consultants I saw in a gastroenterology dept said they automatically change babies to artificial formula. Their first symptom may be reflux but the CMPI could be doing far more damage.

I was "lucky" in that dc had a visible symptom other than reflux. Unluckily for him it was because he was so unwell - his bowel had become totally inflamed and begun bleeding. It took threee months after starting milk free formula (and thank god they warned us) for his gut tissue to renew and heal. Until then he didn't sleep, was terrible lying down - I raised his cot and mattress, only was in a sling, wanted to be held at the time and he screamed and screamed.

I took him to a cranial osteopath. In the waiting room I met a mum with twins who had the same problem he did but were three months older. She recommended the book "Colic solved" Ignore the word colic, he is talking about reflux and milk intolerance. It was amazing. It also pushes you to insist on a referral to a paediatric gastroenterologist. This is vital. Your GP is a tool. You have to push harder. I went to the a+e dept three times because no one would listen. I used to carry that book around and even got it out and read to the gastroenterologist about thinking ds had a lazy bowel which he did.

People are quick to dismiss "a little bit of reflux" or say if it isn't reflux it will be teething. That isn't true. They are not comparable.

I didn't need my mum for all my kids but she came to stay for this one. Ignore those saying you need to get on with it.

However you need to set boundaries. She should be the one making the bottle not you. She should be more day to day house stuff and a little bit of baby help, not the other way round. You aren't a bad parent but you do need to stand up to her more. Ignore her stupid comments. My
Mum was totally scathing about CO. I ignored her. FWIW the good it did was meeting the other mum. I don't think it made any difference but I have friends who swear by it.

Utilise your sling more. Tell her to take your baby out for a walk in it and see if you can get a nap then.

Good luck

Also mine was on ranitidine and then omeprazole, and also lactulose for a lazy bowel.

If he is in pain he needs treatment. Putting on weight is not the most important thing.

Op, i hear you. My mum helped looads with baby when she was newborn, and still does at nearly 2. She is a bit like a third parent! But we have final say. I think you're being smart to admit you need help. I think it would be a mistake to try to go it alone because other mums manage and then find yourself struggling with depression. Severe ongoing sleep deprivation is awful. It puts you and baby at risk. Why do that if you have an alternative?
I too fell asleep with baby on me and was a wreck after, feeling so guilty but knowing it would happen again because i was so tired. I looked into cosleeping. I looked at the risks and decided to do it. The benefits to us were immediate and enormous. One of the prime benefits for me was ease of night time breastfeeding so that doesn't apply to you but i also had a baby who hated being put down, so just sleeping on me was right for her. She would sleep face down on my tummy and i would sleep, propped up a fair bit with pillows. She loved it. I could sleep - not as well as if i had no baby on me, but at least, sleep! You may not want to cosleep at night but i mention this as you could lie on a double bed, in the middle so babe can't roll off onto floor, and let them nap on you in the day. then you could nap too. I sometimes walked ne to sleep in the sling then lay down like this so she would still be in 'sling' position on me. Might be worth a try.

Grandmothers can be over anxious after birth... hopefully it will pass soon.

When we came home with our first DC everything was OK and pretty calm and happy until MIL came over, looked around our rather messy but not actually dirty flat as though there were vats of overspilling toxic waste everywhere and declared that we were evidently 'not coping' until DH had to yell her out of the door to restore calm! She is an anxious person but she has in the longer run backed off.

Perhaps you could cut down the four days per week, to three, and phase her help out gradually.
On the whole it sounds like she is doing her best, but over stepping the mark. Don't be too hard on her, when you have your chat.

The great thing about mumsnet is that you can get different perspectives on something from people who live differently to the way you do.

I honestly don't know anyone who had someone stay to help or would discuss medical treatment of a child with a relative.

Good luck with everything and the first three months can be the hardest. Read up on fourth trimester, all baby wants is to be held by you.

Also you need to be careful not to project all your worries onto your mil. She is clearly annoying you, with reason but it is clear that you are worried and upset about your mum.

However, if your mother had been well enough to help she would have annoyed you in different, unforeseen ways.

@SEsofty While I know it may be unusual to have someone stay with you, most people get help from parent, friends or whatever else etc dropping in. Which is not possible for us as MIL lives too far away to pop in on some random days for a few hours, and we have zero friends in the area. So it's either her staying in for a few days at a time or nothing, and I know literally no one who had no help or whatsoever from no one throughout. My neighbour's Mum come very summer for 4 months to stay with them and take care of their 5 yo and a lot of people in my situation, being foreign, also have relatives staying for longer periods of time. I also dont find it shocking she went for the appointment after all. I had to take a cab, changing bags, car seat, and a bunch of other stuff I wanted to donate to NICU and she offered to help me carry some stuff. As I said, we are very close in my own family. I would not take my Mum to my own visit to lets say GP or gynaecologist, lol, but if she wanted to come to listen about the baby, why not.

I'm happy of course with people providing their own perspective, which was the whole idea about AIBU threads, right? But I think people who have totally different experiences of motherhood often project their own situation onto mine, which is not helpful, as we are all different and the fact someone had a much easier baby to deal with which slept through all night is not gonna help me with a baby that stays awake 20 hours a day.

Apologies-I didn’t mean to offend.

I also know of no one who had relatives to stay for any amount of time after having a baby, so am struggling to see the dynamics and if it was me-would rather she just left me to it.

Good luck with the situation though-something clearly isn’t working and need to change.

You need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse: and it's not going to get any better, is it? She is interfering and her comments are, quite frankly, bordering on unhinged!

I know this is going off on a tangent and isn't the point at all but the general point about assistance from family after a birth is really interesting.

I know no one who had family popping in daily or anything more than relatives visiting to meet the baby and maybe bring a dinner.

Therefore the expectation is that you will be alone with the baby. That is why there is a lot of reliance on nct etc as that once a week coffee may be the only adult interaction.

@SEsofty most people I know didn't have someone staying with them but they all had their mums or mils popping in daily/every other day.
My ds is 19mo and dm/mil will help any time I need something (or just ask to have him for a few hours because they love being with him)
I don't think the expectation is that you'll be by yourself, in fact one of the first things my mw made sure of on her first home visit was that we had family / support near by.

Kaytee again interesting the difference in experience.