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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 05/03/2018 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperRockMissile · 05/03/2018 13:25

frankly, your ongoing level of investment in this is a bit weird, so I'm opting out now.

Why spoil my fun? Grin

BackToBaileys · 05/03/2018 13:26

Do people really not invite someone's partner (with the exception of maybe a very new one) to their weddings if they're not married or very long term? Hmm Surely that's not something that happens very often?

BackToBaileys · 05/03/2018 13:30

If you do decline the invite could that be seen as a petty snub though? (Not that you wouldn't have every right to decline a half arsed evening invite.)

Could that then give them cause to say "oh well I'm glad we didn't invite his petty girlfriend?" Or have them start saying to her boyfriend things like are you sure she's right for you etc?

I wouldn't want to go but at the same time the op doesn't want to open herself up to looking petty or spiteful?

ItsuAddict · 05/03/2018 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AthenasOwl · 05/03/2018 13:36

I wouldn't go to the evening. I'd find something lovely to do for myself. Your bf can go show his support for his friend and have a nice night to himself, I really don't think any of it is any reflection on your relationships.
Iv found over the years that people planning a wedding can get a little one track minded, self centred and thoughtless and I think that's essentially what happened here.
I'm glad you feel a bit better about it all op.

BackforGood · 05/03/2018 13:47

Well BackTo Baileys - I know my anecdote is hardly a wide survey / data, but, as I said up thread, the last 2 weddings I've been to - both in the last 6 months - I have been invited and dh hasn't much to his relief, and we're coming up to our Silver Wedding Anniversary, so don't think it it is 'brevity of marriage' Grin

Weddings cost a lot. I love a good wedding but they are very expensive to attend -if I’m spending that amount of money damn sure I want to socialize with my dh

They don't have to be. You spend what you choose. Last wedding I went to didn't cost me much at all, and I had a great time (with my pal, and not dh Wink

As for the "spend less on the dress and invite more people" calls - erm.... do you not think it is possible that they are already being sensible with money in other areas of spending, and that some people actually do have a small budget? Or, that different people have different priorities? Or, that the venue will only allow X people, not an infinite number?

My guess is the groom had expected to be able to to invite you, but the couple hadn't got down to the nitty gritty of finalising lists etc. and it was later realised the numbers didn't allow it. Yes, it should have come with an apology, but it really isn't worth getting this worked up about. It's your reaction that is OTT.

BackToBaileys · 05/03/2018 14:16

Well I think even if I was married I would decline any sort of wedding that was "no ring no bring" because whoever it was I would think they are a flipping moran and wouldn't want any association with. Not everyone wants to/believes in marriage for themselves but would happily celebrate someone else's and for someone not to invite you because you weren't married is just a twatish judgement on their part!

I'm not religious but I've happily celebrated other people's babies christenings. Or are there people out there who say "if you don't believe in god then you're not coming to my child's christening " too? Hmm

Bizarre world isn't it!

BackToBaileys · 05/03/2018 14:20

The only time I could see why people would not invite the partner is if A) it's a very new relationship B) there had been a falling out and the bride/groom didn't want an atmosphere and C) if you have lots of work colleagues where inviting all their partners would literally be doubling the numbers and you've never met their partners and the work colleagues would happily see it as a fun night out where they can all have a laugh together without it being awkward that their partners aren't there.

sirlee66 · 05/03/2018 14:24

Exactly what Threefish said

ItsuAddict · 05/03/2018 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuizzlyBear · 05/03/2018 14:29

Bit disturbed to read that you initiated a bitching session with the bride and groom's friends behind their backs. In all honesty if they hear a whisper about that I can't see you being included in their friendship group going forward, long-term parter or not!

PorkFlute · 05/03/2018 14:33

Initiated bitching session or told the truth about what had happened? It would only be out of order if the op had made stuff up imo. She told others what happened. If they think it’s out of order then that’s their opinion to have.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:38

I think they were talking about the wedding and assumed op was invited, and she probably told them she was not, they were surprised.

QuizzlyBear · 05/03/2018 14:49

It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this.

I'd say that sounds disturbingly close to bitching about them, yes. Especially when it really is the prerogative of the b&g as to who they do or do not consider a close enough friend to have at their wedding. I feel a bit sorry for them that a whole bunch of their friends seem to think it's appropriate to slag them off for it.

Personally I'd have shut that down sharpish as the only person news of this would reflect negatively on is the OP, let's be honest.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 14:58

Quizzley, op can't control how others react to it. Even if op had said nothing, it would have been obvious at the wedding, they might still have gossiped about it. Seems like B@G haven't got good friends.

Original poster
RParr · 05/03/2018 16:52

Hi @quizzlybear

To put context to the conversation, it was raised when a friend’s girlfriend asked if I was excited and I tried to quietly say I wasn’t attending. Her partner then started ranting about it.

Nothing initiated by myself. Just an unfortunate conversation I couldn’t really get away from.

OP posts:
Original poster
RParr · 05/03/2018 16:54

But yes I do agree it’s not fair for people to sit around and make it a topic of conversation. I wouldn’t want that for myself, and didn’t pass comment for fear of looking petty.

OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 05/03/2018 17:00

It’s not your OH’s fault, don’t blame him. He probably forgot all about it tbh and didn’t realise you’d actually be excited about going...

Personally I can’t stand other people’s weddings, especially the ceremony so you’ve had a lucky escape imo Grin.

It’s nothing personal. You don’t know the bride and groom, like at all... they probably cut a few others off the list too.

BerylStreep · 05/03/2018 17:32

I wonder if the B&G have picked up on your BF's attitude of 'not a wedding he can get behind' and are not particularly investing in the friendship.

I can see that conversation happening along the lines of :

B: You know I really don't like your mate Gary - I can tell he doesn't really like me, in fact it's really obvious.

G: well he's my mate.

B: does he have to come to the wedding?

G: Yes

B: well alright, if you insist, but we're not going to pay for RParr too - she can come to the evening do.

Just a thought. They don't seem to have very nice friends if they started ranting on about their rudeness.

PorkFlute · 05/03/2018 19:04

Yes it’s the b&g’s prerogative who to invite. But the point is that they did invite the op twice then disinvited her and hoped she wouldn’t notice. That is awful behaviour and I’m not surprised that even their close friends recognise it. If you don’t want people to talk about you acting like a dick then don’t act like a dick I say!

MsChalloner · 05/03/2018 19:13

I know it feels a snub but I bet it isn't (having done something similar). Your DP's friend will have meant the invite when he said it and, once they are into the hell that is numbers at a wedding, he will have had to cut some he WANTED to have - and you just happen to be in that category. Weddings gets very stressful. And if his wife to be's parents are paying then it will be even more stressful.
And you do appear to have been invited in the evening. So go or don't go but either way do it with a good grace and send a nice card wishing them well from both of you (whether DP goes or not).
You don't want to do anything that will spoil their enjoyment of the day.

macbethh · 05/03/2018 19:46

Get a grip🙄

Long time relationship Hmmit hasn't even been a year yet

NotAgainYoda · 05/03/2018 19:52

Op I'd get out now if I were you (the thread)

ittakes2 · 05/03/2018 19:53

They behaved badly - but he’s not your friend so I kind of think do you really care if you miss seeing them do their vows? Your partner is in an awkard position. The fun bit will be the reception - so why miss that if they have invited you and you want to go. Pull on you big girl pants - go to the party - show them what a great sport you are - and then they will wonder why they didn’t extend an invite to you to the whole event. Hope you go and have a good time.