Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

[RParr]

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

Hell,sorry I just realized,I meant as in going out for a meal,the four of you.sorry

Didn't say I agreed with it though and I know my dp and know he's not the cheating kind - not that you'd believe that 😐

backtobaileys who's to say her DP is being a cunt? A bit of a coward yes but implying he was using this as an excuse to cheat? I find it odd that that is where your partner's mind went first.

It was an after thought not where his mind went first hence why it was added at the end as an after thought. My dp is the first to tell a mate if he's being a cunt to his wife/girlfriend because he's a respectful person. I said it was unlikely too but does happen.

Dancing monkey I didn't have the money either. I only had an evening reception and didn't go over the top with the venue so that I specifically didn't hurt friends by having to cut numbers down. Some people spend more on venue hire than I did on my whole wedding.

honeyroar
Not everyone is going to spend money on friends new partner who may or not be together when the wedding photos arrive. They might want people there that they have meaningful relationships with

Possibly, or they might want their guests to have a good time! And a girlfriend that's been around for a year is not a new girlfriend, it's someone that the boyfriend, who they've invited, would probably like there at their wedding. But you may be one of those brides that cares more about their photos and their magical venue than whether their guests enjoyed themselves. I'd been to that many pretentious weddings like that so I wanted mine to be just a big party where there didn't need to be limits on numbers.

I think anyone who posts my husband/partner says... loses any credibility
It’s the way it’s posted as if their partner is the oracle and benchmark of cogent argument

In your shoes Op, I would be upset to have been invited and then uninvited and have your DP not bothered about it despite you being upset. weirdly enough, I have had the opposite happen today, my long distance bf has asked me to go as his +one to a wedding and wanted to check I was OK as I wont know anyone there. I have said yes, because I want to be there for him but its weird as I am not in a long standing relationship, nor do I know the B&G

CircleofWillis

"BTW can someone explain the Sistine Chapel screaming comment?"

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

Enjoy. 😇

As for the current thread, it isn't polite to invite someone verbally and via text then not formally invite them. However this has been turned into way too much OTT drama between OP and her partner. Expecting him to not attend a close friend's wedding over this is unreasonable.

Dancing monkey - not everyone wants to spend money attending a wedding without their partner. Weddings cost a lot. I love a good wedding but they are very expensive to attend -if I’m spending that amount of money damn sure I want to socialize with my dh.

I turned down a wedding invitation when dh, then dp, wasn’t invited. Apparently the reason was that we weren’t married and might split up....we were living together at the time! Besides which, divorce happens so marriage not exactly a guarantee

When we got married we invited everyone’s partners, single guests got a plus one in case they wanted to bring someone. We got married on a budget but we threw most of the money at the venue, food, drink and music. Everything else including my dress was on a shoestring. I totally disagree that weddings are only about the bride and groom and what they want -if that is the case then get married just the two of you. If you invite guests you have a responsibility to consider their comfort and this includes inviting partners. It should be up to the guests to decide whether to attend alone or with a partner.

Try not to take it personally. Weddings are tricky at the best of times. Ultimately I think it's up to the bride and groom and whatever makes them happy tbh. They are probably getting it from every angle, that great aunt Ethel and cousin Jim ought to be invited, but at about £100 a guest (it's been a few years but imagine that's a normal guest figure) and they can only squeeze in 80 guests (adds up quicker than you would think, especially with plus ones and extended family, on both sides).Try and be understanding, I'm sure if money and numbers weren't an issue you'd be on the list.

@backtobaileys

I just read the op to my dp and his male perspective on this is the op's boyfriend isn't that into the op sad He said if a guy was really into his girlfriend and thought he'd found someone really special he would say to the couple "look I've found someone really special that I absolutely love to bits and want to bring her with me.." etc. Fact that the op's boyfriend hasn't done this suggests he's not that bothered and doesn't see the relationship as long term and serious like the op does sad He also said the boyfriend probably wants to go to the wedding to hook up but I don't think that!

Yeah, I agree with this, and said almost the same earlier... ^ (except the part where he is hoping to find someone else.) I don't think the OP's boyfriend is that much into her, or he would be more miffed at her being DIS-invited. People need to remember, she was invited TWICE, and then DIS-invited. Why are people forgetting this/not acknowledging it?!

After a year together, my boyfriend (now husband,) would not have accepted an invitation to a friend's wedding that excluded me. We had our engagement planned for 3 months after our first year together (so 15 months after meeting.) And started living together 3 months after getting engaged.

Then again, he would not have had to turn his invitations down, because I was never left off anything.... even 6 months after meeting, i was included in his cousin's wedding. It's bad etiquette, and very bad manners to exclude someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, especially when they have been together a year! I am not buying the 'limited budget' excuse. You don't exclude people's partners. And surely everyone should be allowed to invite a 'plus-one.'

And to say 'I won't invite someone's partner of only one year as they may not be together in a year or two and they will be on the wedding photos' is just daft. People who have been together 10 years, or 15, or 20 (or more!) could just as easily split in 1 or 2 years you know!

I think the worst thing about all this is that she was invited TWICE, and then DIS-invited, and it's this fact that would bug me a lot, and I would be having a conversation with my partner about it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my OH wouldn't go to a wedding without me unfortunately

Didn't say I agreed with it though

No, just thought you'd impart that particular nugget of his wisdom anyway to someone who's already feeling a bit upset and insecure, eh?

and I know my dp and know he's not the cheating kind - not that you'd believe that

No, they very rarely are, oddly enough.

Tippz yes you do have a point there and I read the op again and it is over looked that she was dis invited again. Just because the couple are getting married doesn't give them an excuse to be assholes does it really The boyfriend should be calling out his friends because of the way they just said "well she can come to the evening if she likes" as if the op should just be grateful

The thing is, the Bride and groom were very rude inviting and then uninviting op, you just don't do that without knowledge tgere will be some sort of hurt. Especially as op has said, she has seen both of them numerous times, so not some random. The half hearted evening invitation, when op partner asked about it. Op I woukd much prefer to have your partner go to the wedding, and sit at home with Netflix and some wine, much better, than somewhere, I woukd feel awkward.

I think time is immaterial, some people are serious within months and have kids by the end of the year. You have said you are both serious. Just because you are planning a wedding, does not mean you have to treat people in a rude manner.

There was no apology forthcoming, " sorry we cocked up on the numbers and cannot invite RP to the full day, but we would like her to come to the evening reception". Just an invite with her partner on it, hoping nobody would notice, very rude.

Sorry about being so slow at replying! I had a very early night.

I think as others have said, it’s potentially my partner’s lack of response/not seeming bothered that’s caused more of an emotional outburst than anything. I do feel like I’d be more offended on his behalf if someone had been the same with him (especially given the half-hearted “Oh well she can come to the evening do if she wants” response). I did say as much to him, but he is INCREDIBLY laid back (marvellous trait most of the time, a bit irritating this time) and seemed to be quite genuine when he said he didn’t realise it would matter to me this much.

I doubt it has anything to do with him potentially engaging in untoward behaviour/seizing the chance to do something behind my back. For one, it’s just not in his character. Also, he wouldn’t have mentioned his friend inviting me via text if it was a case of him not wanting me there.

As far as I can recall, there’s been no negative event between myself and the bride! She does suffer with social anxiety (this has come from someone who knows her far better), so she’s not always the chattiest person on an evening out, but I do try to talk to her as I know how naff being an outlier in a social situation can be.

Someone did ask what his responses were like when everyone else was talking about this the other evening. Now that I think about it, most of his responses focused on her being the person at fault (can’t know either way really) and there were a few rants about her, and statements that it’s not a wedding he can “get behind” and he sees it ending badly. He also said he’s only bothered about the stag do because he wants to show his friend support and that he’d happily skip the day, but I’ve told him it’s going to reflect badly on both of us if he cancels at the 11th hour. That does make me wonder whether there’s bad blood between the two of them and it’s more of an issue with him than me. I’ve not heard him talk about anyone in that way before.

Anyway, I feel far less irritated now, and I do think the suggestion of going anyway and having a fantastic time is great. But, I also much prefer the idea of using the money I’d otherwise spend on a dress/getting there/not working for the day on an evening away! I think given the half hearted invite, my presence wouldn’t be appreciated for whatever reason and I don’t want to force myself on anyone.

I’ve told my partner I’m happy to contribute towards the gift etc and he’s flat out refused to take my money because he doesn’t feel it would be fair.

Also, thank you whoever wrote the foursomes comment 😂 That was a funny one to wake up to.

I don't think it matters a damn whether the OP is her DP's Eternal Significant Life Partner or a girlfriend of three weeks' standing. What matters is that the OP was invited, twice, then disinvited, and the couple didn't even have the decency to explain this, just left her off the formal invitation and hoped nobody would call them on it. That's just terrible manners.

Aha! Cross post! Glad you are feeling better about it, OP.

Totally agree with archeryannie.

When did it become acceptable to disinvite someone from a wedding? Without even an apology?

If I were you and your boyfriend I would be quietly distancing myself from them in the future. Don't fall out or anything just distance yourselves..

Thinking about it I would feel miffed at being dis invited too. It would be different had you not been invited at all or they had apologised for the cock up and said they would love you to come to evening but tbh i wouldn't want to be around people who think that just because they are getting married they can be rude and just hope no one noticed his name only on the invite. That's just so rude and dismissive of them!

Also if you and your boyfriend do get married don't invite them and just say "oh sorry it's close friends and family only and I didn't think we were close friends based on your wedding, but you can come to the evening if you want..."