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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
meandmytinfoilhat · 05/03/2018 09:25

Why can you both go in the evening or meet your partner at the evening?

LineysInTheSnow · 05/03/2018 09:32

The thing with weddings is that people overrule each other, and yes that does come out looking like bad manners.

When my cousin got married, my siblings and and partners were all invited by my aunt. The spouse-to-be's mother overruled the partners' invitations at very short notice. So none of us went, because of a combination of feeling insulted, being messed about, and logistics. And everyone ended up looking rude to everyone else.

It's horribly common for this sort of thing to happen, OP, if MN is anything to go by. Something about weddings, stress, money and rudeness.

Dungeondragon15 · 05/03/2018 09:59

My guess is that the DP's friend invited without consulting his wife to be. She may not have realised that this has happened so perhaps she is not responsible for the "disinvitation". It's rude not to invite OP in the first place though if they know her and other partners are going.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 10:03

IT sounds as though he's not keen on the bride, Mabey that's been picked up. Goid plan, do something nice instead. There's nothing worse than feeling awkward and out of place, which I think you will here.

PaperRockMissile · 05/03/2018 10:11

It's about the fact that people would make such a crude and insulting judgement about other people's relationships based purely on whether or not they are legally married.

Firstly it is a fact that every day people judge each other. Every day about everything - from the reasonable to the unreasonable from the serious to the trivial. There are plenty of people who would judge you for having children and not being married (I'm not one of them btw) but if this is such a big deal to you that you can't cope with it (horrified/insult) you should just bloody well get married! Either be happy in your own life and do what your want to do and ignore others OR do something about it if it bothers you.

Secondly, making selections in a limited guest list situation about who to invite is just practical. If a person wasn't invited because they weren't married, it isn't some grave insult that you need to be horrified about. It's just a practical way of cutting down numbers. Just like other rules such as no children, no one that either of us hasn't met, no one we haven't seen in the last 3 years, no relatives beyond direct family and so forth.

Insult/horrified is very much in Screaming in the Sistine Chapel Land.

PaperRockMissile · 05/03/2018 10:13

"you" is used in the sense of "one" - "people in general" not directed at PP who is married.

LizzyButton · 05/03/2018 10:27

Weddings. Stressing out friends and families for millennia.

seven201 · 05/03/2018 10:35

The groom fucked up, that's all. No space for new ish girlfriends. Your dh should go and have a great day and you should go to the evening do and also have a great time.

beardymcbeardy · 05/03/2018 10:52

There are plenty of people who would judge you for having children and not being married (I'm not one of them btw) but if this is such a big deal to you that you can't cope with it (horrified/insult) you should just bloody well get married! yeh nothing screams a better reason for forcing couples to get married like being excluded from social functions. How about some people don't want to get married personally (but equally happy to celebrate those who do). Can you imagine the mn outrage if a bride decided to cut people from her list because they were too fat/blonde/not educated enough etc. The bride was rude. There must be so many bridezillas on here trying to defend the indefensible. Its bad form to invite someone to a wedding and not give them a plus one, especially if you are aware that they are in a serious relationship.

PaperRockMissile · 05/03/2018 11:09

yeh nothing screams a better reason for forcing couples to get married like being excluded from social functions.

That was sort of my point beardy. It is a ridiculous thing to be "horrified" about.

YellowFlower201 · 05/03/2018 11:11

I think you shouldn't take this so personally. Please stop for a second and take a big breath. Your partner might find your reaction quite strange and may wonder how you will deal with other minor bumps in the road.

iBiscuit · 05/03/2018 11:12

Far too reasonable a response, seven Grin

Dungeondragon15 · 05/03/2018 11:12

There are plenty of people who would judge you for having children and not being married (I'm not one of them btw) but if this is such a big deal to you that you can't cope with it (horrified/insult) you should just bloody well get married!

I don't think that anyone cannot "cope with it". They do have the right to be insulted though. It doesn't mean that they should get married to avoid being insulted. They can just decide that the "judgers" are prats and that they don't want anything more to do with them if they can help it.

ItsuAddict · 05/03/2018 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/03/2018 11:25

I understand why you are upset. Especially as you spent an evening with his mates who were all chatting about it and you know you are the only girlfriend of his circle of friends who isn't invited.

You need to understand though, that with weddings it is a matter of numbers. That the groom has previously said you would be invited means they do like you and would like you there but venues have a limit on how many sit down meals they can cater for, and that always causes a squeeze on invites. Chances are on the day, or nearer the day there will be a cancellation, and you'll get an upgrade. You shouldn't take it personally, it really isn't about you, or whether they like you, it's numbers.

Perhaps your DP feels a bit awkward about it, or is a bloke so doesn't get how you feel.

Dungeondragon15 · 05/03/2018 11:30

Chances are on the day, or nearer the day there will be a cancellation, and you'll get an upgrade. You shouldn't take it personally, it really isn't about you, or whether they like you, it's numbers.

She can take it personally that she was the one that was disinvited when they cut down on numbers rather than other partners. I think the word "upgrade" is a bit inappropriate under the circumstances.

heron98 · 05/03/2018 11:40

I would be really relieved not to have to go, tbh!

I think YABU. They don't really know you and these things cost money. It's not personal but having you there is not going to be their priority.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 11:45

Whatever way you try to explain it, being invited than not, is going to cause offence, op can't help her feelings, I think a lot of people would feel that way. Op is not going to go, and her partner will, I would do the same thing. Just enjoy the day and do something nice.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 05/03/2018 11:45

I know I sound a bit stuffy, but I think it’s seriously rude to only invite one half of a couple, unless it’s a really new relationship. Even then, I would (and did for my wedding) always ask the partner whether they wanted to bring their new gf / bf. It’s just what you do isn’t it? Yes, you have to take the financial hit by having an ‘extra’ guest, but it’s just good manners imo. If I couldn’t afford to host the the couple for the day, I wouldn’t invite either of them and would just invite to the evening if necessary.

Fwiw, an acquaintance of mine did something a bit like this, (made a big song and dance out of me saving the day for his wedding - personal phone call etc saying how much he wanted me there, but then invited just me to the evening do of the wedding on the other side of the country, when I was married, heavily pregnant and couldn’t drive. He was then really shitty with me when I very politely and apologetically declined the invitation Confused). Along with a few other things, like sending out save the dates to couples and then realising he couldn’t afford to invite them, so didn’t - no explanation or anything, just no invite. He also only announced to his best men, (loads of them), when they were in the suit hire shop that he’d be needing them to pay for their own suits. He ended up pissing off so many guests, (and non-guests), by the end of it all. People still talk about his rudeness now and he’s been married about 5 years. He didn’t mean to be rude I don’t think - he just fucked up a bit and probably was a bit overexcited when he first started planning it, but nonetheless he annoyed a lot of people. No, it wasn’t ‘horrifying’ or life changing, but it was rude.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 11:46

Unless you got a paper invite you were never invited.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 11:58

Totally disagree Saoir, in this day an age with different mediums, such as text and e mails, she was invited in principle.

Tippz · 05/03/2018 12:14

Have to agree that people deciding to not invite couples who are not married (or engaged,) is a special kind of weird and laughable.

Peoples relationships may not be taken as seriously by the LAW, when they are unmarried, but the relationships of couples who are not married, are as valid as those who ARE married, and they love each other just as much as if they had been married many years.

So rude and weird, and yes, INSULTING to suggest otherwise. (And I have been married over 2 decades BTW!)

QueenDaisy · 05/03/2018 12:19

What they’ve done is really rude. If I was you, I’d decline the evening invite & have a good night out with friends. Then if you get married, return the favour with the exact same invite, I’d also not socialize any more with this couple, they’re twats Flowers

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:20

Peoples relationships may not be taken as seriously by the LAW, when they are unmarried, but the relationships of couples who are not married, are as valid as those who ARE married, and they love each other just as much as if they had been married many years

An unmarried relationship of the same length as a married one, yes, you're right.
But that doesn't mean OP's less than year not living together boyfriend is a Long Term Relationship. It isn't. If people decide to only invite long established partners to weddings that is up to them

PaperRockMissile · 05/03/2018 12:39

Sorry that the word horrified is so upsetting to you.

LOL. It's not upsetting! It's just daft hyperbole -made even more insane by the fact you have said this has never even happened to you. & I'm not being picky about words at all; words have generally accepted meanings. Horrified is completely different from irritated. If you don't understand that then you need to acquaint yourself with a dictionary!!

This is the Sistine Chapel x 2.