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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/03/2018 20:30

I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

Buggered if I can either. Going to a wedding where I didn’t know anybody, including the bride by the sounds of it, isn’t my idea of fun. Save the money you would have spent on your outfit and their present and do something nice for yourself that weekend.

ItsuAddict · 04/03/2018 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/03/2018 20:38

Yes, OP has met them many times so they are just being rude. As for going to the evening do- I did but it was a pain in the neck getting there as it was some distance away and I felt quite left out on arriving and finding DH (then DP) and all their other friends including wives quite merry. In retrospect, I shouldn't have bothered.

Jassmells · 04/03/2018 20:40

I can see you'd be pissed off but it's not going to change. Personally I'd go to the evening do looking fabulous and have a great time.

BackforGood · 04/03/2018 20:45

I agree TheC

Dungeondragon15 · 04/03/2018 20:52

I’d return the favour if you and DP get married too

I did feel like doing that when DH and I got married. In the end I did invite Dh's friend's wife but didn't invite their children. They actually complained to DH about this as they had problems finding a babysitter.

AthenasOwl · 04/03/2018 20:53

My mistake ..I still wouldn't be assed personally.

LineysInTheSnow · 04/03/2018 20:54

I’ve met both of them a fair few times (I should have included that)

I think that would have changed a fair few answers, yes.

BackToBaileys · 04/03/2018 21:03

I just read the op to my dp and his male perspective on this is the op's boyfriend isn't that into the op He said if a guy was really into his girlfriend and thought he'd found someone really special he would say to the couple "look I've found someone really special that I absolutely love to bits and want to bring her with me.." etc. Fact that the op's boyfriend hasn't done this suggests he's not that bothered and doesn't see the relationship as long term and serious like the op does He also said the boyfriend probably wants to go to the wedding to hook up but I don't think that!

Just another opinion of course but does sort of explain the boyfriends reaction to things.

SharronNeedles · 04/03/2018 21:19

backtobaileys that may be your partner's perspective on things but that does not make it true or a fair statement.
I have been invited to weddings without DH (people who don't know him) and I've never tried to force him an invite. A wedding is not about the guests. It's about the couple. Begging and pleading for your partner to come along is just disrespectful. It means someone the B&G actually know/like won't be able to come.

I also think the hooking up line is just uncalled for. It is possible for men to go places without their OHs and not want to shag every thing that moves

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 21:23

I think your partner is right Back, he doesent sound that bothered about her, his indifferent reaction says it all.

McTufty · 04/03/2018 21:26

Interesting take but personally I disagree with your partner @backtobaileys - when this happened with us, my now DH just accepted the invitation without even mentioning it to the B&G (which I totally supported) and he proposed to me about a month later. A lot of people would find it awkward and rude to make an issue of it to the B&G’s face, and I agree, notwithstanding I think they’ve behaved badly here.

I think if he wasn’t bothered about the OP he wouldn’t be about to move in with her.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/03/2018 21:27

The OP's partner did ask about why she didn't get an invite though. His friend said that they needed to limit the numbers. The fact that he didn't make a huge fuss about it would be more to do with his personality than how he feels about OP. Maybe he just doesn't want to make a fuss and fall out with friends.
The hooking up line is nasty and says more about your DH than anything else Back

BackToBaileys · 04/03/2018 21:33

Yeah I said to him the hook up was unlikely but I suppose he's just seen it a few times at weddings etc. He's definitely a faithful partner and hates it when guys are cunts to their wives/girlfriends coming from an upbringing where his father had affairs etc.

PorkFlute · 04/03/2018 21:35

Only read the first page but I think you’ve had a hard time. Whether just shy of a year is a long term r’ship is subjective. Compared to a few weeks/months it is relatively long term.
Regardless of that you don’t go round inviting people to your wedding before you’ve worked out if you can afford it then uninvite them!

Tistheseason17 · 04/03/2018 21:38

I don't agree with @backtobaileys
Some guys just understand what their mate has said and go with it. No reflection on how he feels about OP.

My DH went to wedding without me for exactly the same reasons. I didn't even get the evening invite! But, here we are 15 yrs later still together and still very much in love!

Someone else's wedding invite list should not define your own relationship.

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/03/2018 21:49

Our best man had a new girlfriend of about 6months.We invited her to the evening do. It was the first time we ever met her and she made a right scene because she came at 10clock with her mate who wasn’t invited. I wish I never invited her at all and glad she wasn’t in my daytime photos. They aren’t together they split up not long after.

Don’t go your attitude about their day could easily spoil it. Sounds like his mate met you and was being polite and invited you without speaking to his bride first, and she doesn’t want a stranger at her wedding.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 21:52

Op has said she meets up with BOTH f the couple, so not a stranger.

iheartmichellemallon · 04/03/2018 21:56

I can understand why you're hurt & upset Op, but try to let it go. Completely agree with Rocketgirl - go to the evening do looking fab & enjoy yourself.

FWIW, I disagree with back - my now DH was usher at a wedding 9 months after we started going out with each other (& 3 months before we bought our first house together) & I was only given an evening do invitation (although I'd met the B&G a couple of times before then). I was annoyed & felt deliberately snubbed & was pissed off with him as he thought it was no big deal. Anyway, it's our 15th wedding anniversary this year (together 18 years in total), so I don't think it meant he wasn't into me - just that he thought someone else's wedding was no big deal really .

pigeondujour · 04/03/2018 22:00

Since you were snide enough to post the hook up comment to the OP, you may as well know that this is a classic stance of Men Who End Up Cheating.

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/03/2018 22:01

Op has said she meets up with BOTH f the couple, so not a stranger

She is met up few times that doesn’t make for a solid foundation of friendship. I’ve met people several times in a big group before doesn’t mean I know them well or friends with them.

honeyroar · 04/03/2018 22:11

I hadn't met some of the people my husband invited to the wedding more than a few times, but they still got invites because it wasn't all about me and was his wedding too!

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/03/2018 22:20

honeyroar

Some people don’t have the money to invite people they don’t know well to their wedding day or inclined to what to. She’s a new gf.

KarmaStar · 04/03/2018 22:24

Hi OP
Perhaps he wasn't that involved in the wedding preparations so wasn't aware of numbers and being maybe a bit gregarious he came out with the invite without consulting his bride to be who put him straight on the numbers?I'm only guessing here,but I'm sure none of this has been don't go intentionally hurt you.
If accept the invite and go along,you'll have a chance to meet the bride(and make a new friend)and have a great evening out.
If you don't go you run the risk of coming across as silky and hard work,which I'm sure you're not.
A year isn't that long really.
Forget all the grief and just have a great time,you could end up having great foursomes together.

PonderLand · 04/03/2018 22:24

This kind of happened to me, a very good friend who I worked with for 7 years and see regularly. I've known him for 10 years now, and we still see each other every couple of weeks. He told me all about the venue he booked, what he was wearing, where it was (abroad) said he couldn't wait and was looking forward too it, said about how old my son would be and how much he'd enjoy it at the place etc. I told my dp about it, we started setting money aside to pay for travel/hotel. Then he put a fb photo up of the invites going out, that was 3 months ago so I'm guessing I'm not invited. He's never mentioned anything since, it's really awkward now and I never know wether to say anything.

I think you should just not mention it, it's clear that they don't really care how you feel so just pretend nothing happened and stay polite when you see them. Maybe remember it for your wedding

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