Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

[upsideup]

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

Jkl yiu are so so wrong.
"(Basically, children who don't conform to gender stereotypes but don't think that means they are in the wrong body are considered to be in a 'pre-trans' state where they need help to realise their 'true gender identity'.)"
This is really worrying.

She's bought into this trans bullshit - which isn't at all surprising at 15. If anything, whilst I deplore the rush to label children as trans, I honestly believe your niece could very well be coming from a good place.

Lots and lots of much older, well intentioned people have fallen for it to.

@upsideup - I don’t think you do have to wait until your dh gets home, just because it is a relative on his side of the family. She is discussing your child online so you have every right to tackle it.

I would start by saying she has NO right to discuss your son’s personal life online, no matter what she believes about him or her motivations, and that she must take the post down immediately and post an apology for invading his privacy so egregiously.

Then, having seen how she responds to this, and when your dh gets home, you can decide what to do, moving forward - whether to counter her beliefs about your ds, and whether to cancel her visit.

I would cancel having any of your DN's at Easter and make it crystal clear the FB post is the reason. People need to realise there are consequences to jumping on this particular bandwagon and hopefully the parents losing their childcare will mean they come down hard enough on DN that she never does anything like this again. I would be beyond livid OP

I suspect she is going on what she has heard from other family members. She is jumping in a band wagon. She is 15 and a lot of 15 year old girls like attention. Although not many of them use FB really as it’s not seen as cool.

It’s interesting that she has just added you. IF she is reacting to what she has overheard from other family members maybe she thinks she is being supportive- especially as she is coming to stay.

I think I would ignore it for now tbh. If you react you might well be seen as being in denial. If you pull her up on it on fb you will embarrass her and she will be defensive as will her parents. Whereas if you ignore it and she comes to stay she will see for herself that he is a normal little boy who likes pink etc.

As another mother of a little blonde (curly or it would be to his shoulders), pink and sparkly loving boy, you definitely need to say something - I think that going via the parents so it can be removed without embarrassment (ie let it fall off the bottom of her feed) might be the way to go, as otherwise you're forcing her to fight back.

Although, I completely understand the temptation to wade in there and be an example - by pointing out how silly it is to call him a girl because of his hair and fondness for a particular colour.

When she's with you though, I really wouldn't leave her alone with the kid - I'd monitor all conversations and have some age appropriate come-backs for anything she might say to him. Is he the kind of child that will give her a withering look if she called him a girl? Or one that would brood? Because I might have some careful priming conversations with a brooder (my eldest deals best when he's been fore-warned of any strong opinions people might try to force on him - eg. religion), but if he's confident of himself, then let him deal out the correction (my youngest, would be fine with this approach)

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?
@CrochetBelle That's twice you've said that- I can't see where the OP has said that's the case?

Actually her coming to stay could be good because you will have the opportunity to really talk to her about it all.

Don't post on FB - nothing good comes of FB spats. Her friends will presumably never meet your DS, so what they think is irrelevant really.

I'd speak to her parents (presumably you will be doing so anyway ahead of her visit?) and say that you were bemused to see that she had referred to your son as MTF trans, and wondered how on earth she had got completely the wrong end of the stick. You are looking forward to hosting her soon, but just want to be clear that DS is a boy and nothing more, nothing less. You don't want any misunderstandings when she is visiting, so perhaps they could talk to her and ensure that none will arise whilst she is here?

She could spend the entire time telling this little boy that he’s actually a girl though ciderwithbuda

Annabelle exactly.

I can't believe the vitriol being thrown at this girl. She's 15! And thought she was doing a loving and supportive thing. This was not some kind of viscous lie intended to upset anyone. She obviously just doesn't fully understand what trans actually means and seems a bit naive. At 15 even if my 4 yr old cousin had told me explicitly he wanted to be a girl etc there's no way I'd post anything online as you can never be sure where the family stand on it all so in that sense yes she was naive and thoughtless but nasty? No. Not allowing her in your house seems incredibly petty. You need to have a proper chat with her. She didn't say anything horrible about your son.

Honestly, I wouldn't have someone staying in my house that may be detrimental to the mental health of my children, particularly a person who may make my child question their gender when they hadn't done so before.

DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that.

that there are still people who think in such narrow silos that's me trying to be polite about such an attitude

upsideup - good for you for allowing your ds to express himself and not be bound by narrow prejudices. He is more likely to grow up to be secure in himself as a result.

And if you want to really blow your niece's mind and other prejudiced people you could remind her that pink used to be a boy's as well as a girl's colour and that young boys didn't just have long hair but wore what look to our modern eyes like dresses in the nursery. I have an antique Victorian doll that has been passed down through the family whose lovely ringlets were made from my great-great uncle's hair when it was cut, aged about 8.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink#/media/File:American_School,_Young_Boy_with_Whip,_ca._1840.jpg

The child's 'true gender identity' is he is a boy who likes pretty things.
Doesn't mean he's a girl

I'd be absolutely furious too. She is using your four year old son. Just USING him. It's despicable. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. She can't be allowed to get away with just lying about a little boy and your family for some cult props. You sound like a great mum and I hope you find some way to approach this which advocates for your son and also takes into account that she is a young teen who has messed up. Best wishes to you all.

And, if you post on Facebook - it will become clear to everyone it is your son being discussed. Call the parents, have a conversation; tell them you don't want their children staying and Easter and explain that your priority has to be children's wellbeing- this post goes against that.

I'd expect an apology, the post removed from Facebook and the parents to have a frank conversation about the dangers of mislabelling someone as transgender - people have been murdered for being transgender before. Make sure she knows how serious what she has done is.

Don't post on Facebook ffs, you're opening yourself up for a shitstorm. I'd be livid though

I would be furious too, as you've suggested I think it will probably be a case of it being Cool, speak to the parents dont comment on the post.

However is there any possible way that she has a cousin on the other side (mums side) that is trans? I know it's unlikely but hoping there is a chance. Or could it be a case of her parents telling her that he is trans behind your back?

When will Pro-trans people like her realise that insisting that a boy is really a girl is a lot more damaging to their psyche than saying that they are a BOY who doesn't conform to society's narrow view of maleness

I remembered a comment very recently about a 4 year old being accused by family of being trans (I remembered because it is ridiculous), so looked it up.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/a3184030-De-transing#76077737

I completely agree with what the OP says on this link, but if this is the comments that the niece is overhearing, or being included in discussion about, she must feel very, very confused, which is why I was questioning if OP knew if she was aware of the comments the boy had supposedly made of his own gender identity.

I find this all very sad. Let me get this right, if a boy is not big butch and burly and perhaps he likes pale colours, has long hair and is more in touch with his emotions society is now going to perceive him as trans?

When my son was growing up - he's now 38 - we were trying to get away from the 'big boys don't cry' attitude, at least the people I mixed with were, let boys feel free show their emotions and get away from the 'male stereotypes' that men had been constrained by for so long. Looks like it gone full circle now and any boy that doesn't fit into that 'tough' male stereotype is going to be perceived to be a female.

Hello 1950s your restrictive bigoted attitudes are clearly being welcomed back, only now we're being told that this is the new enlightened version; not from where I'm sitting it isn't.

DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that

What a restrictive opinion. Clothes, toys, and colours are for everyone.

It's heartbreaking watching my son self-censor now he's at school - he has separate gloves (soft with gems) for home and school (black), and when a friend was coming round, he told me to say that the pink bits and pieces belonged to his sister (he has no sister), and he's a confident kid, but still conflicted over it all (and his friend couldn't care less actually - and proudly brought his new set of rainbow pens and pencils to play with when he came)

I agree - her coming to stay could be a good thing.

Looking back to when ds was small in the early 2000s - at about the time your niece was born - there was a bizarre and retrogressive move towards gendering children's toys and baby kit that has continued apace. I assume this was designed to sell more stuff, but the upshot is children of her age have grown up with "boys things" and "girls things" more than people of our age.

It is not remotely surprising that well meaning, fundamentally good youngsters, fall for the bullshit.

I honestly think you are making a bit too much of this - teenage girls (in my experience) are competitively 'politically correct' but are also pretty narrow in their thinking, it really doesn't sound like she meant any harm, the reactions are a bit hysterical - banning her from coming because she'll be a detriment to your son's health!!!

YANBU

I also have a 4 year old boy with long hair who likes pink sparkly things and kittens and unicorns. I'd be furious if someone was saying he isn't a boy. Primarily because I know him well enough to know that it would really upset him.