Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

[upsideup]

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

Both my male children's names end in y.. I often call DP by a version of his name ending with y, I have a nickname that has a variety ending in y that some people use... it's the English version of 'ito' or 'iska' or all those other diminutive forms of names (as well as just an ending) - in fact, I bet you'd struggle to find a common English name that doesn't have a form that ends in y!

And I have 2 boys. One's always wanted his hair kept short, one has been fighting the idea of having his hair cut since he could express an opinion on it. He's 4. Which is why he's lucky his hair is curly, so it doesn't have to happen until his hair is in his eyes - and even then, I'll only cut the front, because he doesn't want anything else done.

Neither of these things are weird or unusual.

Oh, and my eldest, since the time he could assert himself, has insisted that he doesn't like his name being shortened (it's only 2 syllables, anyway) - so the idea that a child prefers a certain form of his name isn't exactly strange either - in fact, I've always hated the traditional diminutive of my name which ends in a 'y' and correct anyone that uses it (I have a perfectly serviceable nickname or full name for people to use)

Thanks

I forgot to update yesterday, DH spoke to BiL and to his Niece and it was all very much she doesnt know why she did it and she didnt really think about it but that she wont do it again, best result we could of hoped for really.
Thankyou for all the helpful and kind messages.

That’s a great result. Well handled by all!

Brilliant outcome, hopefully she’ll actually think the next time she wants to post anything

So is she still coming to stay, Upside? I hope she now realises that this is none of her business and she's not to say anything to your son.
I still would feel odd about having her in my home, tbh.

Yeah, I wouldn't want her asking him if he thought he was a girl.

This sounds like the perfect excuse to 'rethink' the grand plan for you to provide round-the-clock fully funded care for however long it was!!!!

Well done OP. Sounds like you handled things really well. I have older kids with unconventional (not stereotypical interests) who were similar when younger.

I think it's hard to believe how much identity stuff has taken a foothold in teen sm culture. Its been really hard to talk to my teens about the whole trans identity politics.

They were amazed to hear me talking warmly about my gay friends, colleagues and relatives paths to becoming parents. They have mistaken my concern about gender stereotypes and medicalising children for homophobia. It's thouroughly depressing.

@Mummyoflittledragon I just wanted to join you in saying that brain fog is an overlooked and under researched symptom of a few chronic illnesses (I have one too). Its one of the most distressing symptoms for me.

I’m writing this out in here though initially was going to put it in a private message. But actually, though it’s a diversion from the point thread (sorry Op!), maybe others will read and it might be useful in some way...

I totally get you MummyOfLittleDragon, I have a first in my chosen degree subject and spent over a decade near the top of my profession... yet I cannot remember nouns to write a shopping list.

Brain fog comes and goes, and so often put down to tiredness or some other subjective experience that we should just push through and stop complaining about.

I wish someone would do some proper research on it, as I suspect the results would be startling.

I have my own anecdotal evidence that indicates for me, that research on the symptoms and defining how characteristics of ‘brain fog’ would be really interesting:

I applied for a governmental job a few years ago, when first diagnosed with my illness.

The application process included an IQ test that I should have aced, but I really, really, struggled with.

So I used a practice site recommended many times over a 4 week period and it was then I got to see exactly what brain fog did to me:

When I was experiencing brain fog I consistently scored 30-35% on each practice test I did. No matter how much effort I put in. No matter how much coffee I drank / energy drinks / pep talks I gave myself or breathing exercises etc. I simply couldn’t push my way through it. Even when I felt that maybe this time I was beat the fog, I still failed the test.

When I stopped, rested and pounced on a moment when the fog had lifted, I consistently scored 88-93%.

I never scored in between. It was either one or the other, no matter how I tried to jog the results.

That’s what brain fog does.
That’s it’s power.

It’s not being a bit tired but being able to shake it off.

And although I still do catch myself trying to push on through it, if at all possible, I stop, rest and then accomplish the task in a fraction of the time later... it’s just horrifying that something can block you from being able to function like you, and that really, you have so little control over it.

Well done, OP.

Mummyoflittledragons and Wellthisisshit, I too! I get that! It's part of ms too (which I think is related to ME too). It is one of the most distressing symptoms, I don't much care if bits of me don't physically work properly, if my arm won't work, or I can't feel my legs, or even that I'm in constant pain. What I hate hate hate hate hate is brain fog. No one understands or much cares. Even my Neuro-Psych didn't really get it.

Brilliant update, I am so pleased. I think you can show your niece, when she comes to stay just how accepting you are of your fabulous boy and how rigid gender roles are so very unhelpful for everyone.

@WellThisIsShit
Amazing results but shit all at the same time! I’m Femme Forrest Gump most of the time. 🤪
@Jux
Much as I hate the pain and the brain fog, I hate not being able to move or speak far more. The anxiety I might not make it to pick up my dd from school, that I’ll fall to the ground half way there. Shuffling along at half a mile an hour just wanting to lie down but willing myself just to make it to the bench. And I do almost every time. Just.

*I'm another person who would probably be labelled as trans if I was a child now. I wanted to be a boy at age 4. Got mistaken for a boy as wore boys clothes and had short hair and remember loving that.

All it was was wanting to be able to do the fun things boys did and having a lifelong preference for trousers. I grew up to be a bisexual and proud woman. So glad no-one ever gave me testosterone.*

I would possibly have been labelled trans too, although I suspect that my wanting to be a boymight not have been taken so seriously coming, as it did, after I wanted to be a penguin but before I wanted to be a horse.

I insisted on having short hair because I hated having the knots brushed out, hated wearing skirts and chose a machine gun that made a horribly realistic noise and a harmonica for my birthday presents when I was 4. Later on, I was brilliant at climbing trees and totally fearless when it came to climbing and cycling.

My attitude to boys changed when I was 12 though, and I started fancying them.

@Mummyoflittledragon
@Jux

Well to put it politely and calmly, we’re all fucked then aren’t we

I’ve got LDS (a type of connective tissue disorder), I think that makes some kind of crappy condition hat trick for all of us.

After careful consideration, I’m an equal opportunities ill person, I hate it all . 7 yrs, and I’m still not in the acceptance ‘phase’. Well, I am sometimes, but not all the time, but it doesn’t matter either way really, it just marches on anyway. Bleugh!

I think, I hate the brain fog but I also hide in it, especially to sort of put myself in stasis whilst I’m saving my small amount of physical resources for something that matters to me later in the day. It helps to have such bad fatigue and stupid brain fog at those times.

Good and positive vibes to you all.

Sounds like your DN was showing off to her friends. Hopefuly she'll now think twice before posting next time.

Well done, I did think it was just a bit of thoughtlessness and she got carried away. Hopefully she can learn something from this, both about what she says online about other people and about not rushing to label people even if you mean well.

@WellThisIsShit. Just looked up LDS equal opportunities deffo 😬 😘.

Yes, we are still letting DN stay, hopefully it will be a positive experiance for her but we will have that conversation (kindly) when she gets here.

I'm still a bit flummoxed at how both siblings and their families decided to come over at the same time, and both wanted to dump their kids on you and DH.

They've obviously had a conversation beforehand and planned it.

'Lets both ring upsideup and hint that we are stuck'.